be happy again

I realized that last couple of days. Being the best possible person you want to be, is a full time job. Your mind is a full time enemy, through your awareness you have to fight those thoughts that are not real, and come back to the reallity of love.

But not as dark as before. jeje!

I am far from being happy today. I observe myself. I feel the pressure on my chest, the dark thoughts that crossmy mind, and I wonder what am I doing wrong. I am doing most of the things, or I can say I am doing everything that I need to do, that I think I should, that i think will help me to evolve, to be better, to be more sensitive to life, and even that, I am not feeling it. I feel depressed, i guess that is the right word. When I havemore than 2 or 3 hours out of my daily routine, I get depressed. Like now, just this overwhelming feeling of heaviness, of crying, maybe just sleeping for a long time, maybe canceling all my appointment for the day, cancel lunch with a friend, and stay home sleeping,waiting, who knows for what.
I wonder where these feelings come from, is it from my present, my past, past lifes, it could be the consciousnes of the earth reflecting on myself, what should I do?
I want to keep on moving, but what is it that it makes me feel so bad when I am trying everything to feel good? or at least everything that I am aware of? what is it?
How can I let go this tension, pressure on my chest everytime thatI breath, without feeling that there is something terrible wrong?
I became more connected to myself last few days of changes, i spend more time in meditation, and being careful on my decissions my words, my anger, my feelings. But today, everything came down on me like a heavy rain, and I know Ihave to keep on moving, I am just wandering why, may I should just keep moving and walking, even if I dont get it, but keep trying, patience pays, just a thought.

I am mental,rational but i can feel that hapiness is not around the corner, or even near to me lately.
Wny? is because i ve been selfish, acting not from god? acting not from spirit? but more from a mind point of view?
What do I have to do to go back to where i started?
I want to have hope, and alegria of living, something that i dont feel lately. I want to feel life, not only survive.
I want to be more human, i want to be more me, how?

Just a thought

I read my all entries and i look like a different person. I dont want to say it is because nyc, it is me. I need to re connect to that person that was full of passion, i know i am tired, but still, I can do it, I have to do it, otherwise I will become such a machine, a human robot, I dont want that. I need to reconnect to God. I need it so badly, living every day like a computer it is causing a lot of harm, a lot of depression, and I am loosing focus of life itself, I know what I love, but I have to prioritize again, I need to create a plan, no just survive and pay bills, I need to follow my plan, and evolve,.