find my father

So, i wrote before about never meeting my dad. I couldn’t even tell you if he is still alive or not. All i know is his name and he lives in Florida. His name is David Miller and there are 391 of them in northern florida alone. But, recently i went down there with my mom to see my family, and she looked him up in the phone book. It’s what i always wanted. To meet my dad, and he was only 20 minutes away from me. I have no idea why, but i just got so angry, i threw the telephone book across the living room and started screaming. I wanted to meet him so bad but when the time came, i didnt want to do it. I got scared and almost wasnt ready for it i guess. I just thought ive been ready for it all my life. i dont know what happen =(. and now i may never get the chance to do it again.

My best friend’s mom was big into the drug scene. She took off the summer before my friend went into 7th grade because i think the police were after her. she owed a lot of money and then just the drugs itself is enough to get people chasing you. She never said a word to my friend about leaving at all. She just disapeared. Sometimes i think about that and compare it to me. I’ve never known my father at all. I’ve never seen a picture, never recieved a letter. I dont even know if for sure he’s still alive. Im sure some of you can understand that it just eats away at you.

But i think: what is better? Never knowing at all, or knowing everything and losing it in a flash? so i dont know whose worse off, me for never knowing, or her for knowing and having to live with the loss. =/