I tend to like almost everyone immediately, and am quite a good conversationalist so make a lot of “close acquaintances” very quickly. But I have a very had time building real, intimate relationships, and this baffles, hurts, and confounds me. I’m baffled as to why I can’t do it, hurt that maybe there’s something wrong with me, and confounded regarding how I’m supposed to try establishing real relationships in the future.
I watch other people who maybe aren’t as easy talking to strangers as I am, but who have been able to create strong support networks around themselves regardless – and I feel so confused & inadequate. On the casual social bantering level, I’m pretty gifted. But on another, deeper social level, I’m so slow at developing. I have a best friend and a brother who’s basically my other best friend, and I can talk to them about almost anything, and feel very comfortable in their company. Problem is, I’m rarely in their company anymore because we’ve all scattered to geographically-far locations, and I crave a group of good friends that are within my reach.
Maybe this is just an awkward freshman-year-at-college phase, but I haven’t developed the social groups that everyone else has. I get along with everyone and am frequently invited to join in on any group’s activities, but I’m definitely not “one of them” and feel some discomfort about it. It’s like I have a wall up or something, and I don’t know what exactly it is – there’s definitely some fear getting in the way that I just can’t define or unknot.
Sometimes it doesn’t bother me because I’m a gregarious introvert and tend to thrive on having time for myself. But I’m also a human, and need close, intimate human interactions sometimes which I don’t have a network for here. I want it, but part of me thinks it’s too late (one month of school left), and part of me dreads hanging out with people sometimes. It usually includes having to occasionally act false or be negative about a person you actually don’t mind in support of “group think,” or establishing that you support your friend more – and I don’t feel right about it.
But I want good friends around me! The people I end up closest with are the people who go to lengths to hang out with me, but in my history that’s meant people who are not very good for me – people who tend to like glitz and glamour – and I want to harness my power to choose. Just, how?
