I love having those epiphany-inducing, heart-rejuvenating, mind-twisting/cleansing conversations that suddenly takes you out of some rut and back on a new and better track. For some reason, these only ever seem to happen way into the middle of the night. Maybe it’s the seclusion, that feeling of, “it’s just you and me and that big, vast world out there”: a feeling the night seems to magically induce.
I can have these fantastic conversations with a few people, and I know and need to recognize more often that I am extremely, extremely lucky to have people like this in my life. I don’t really know how it happened, and I never want to take it for granted because I’m not sure if I really deserve them and don’t want to lose them for lack of appreciation.
Regardless, I want to have more of these – way more. I’ve been fortunate in meeting at least two new people a week and getting into long, fascinating conversations with them – night or day – but these are usually one-time instances, and I never really get to know them better. Maybe that’s a good thing; part of me makes sure not to get to know them better for fear of ruining a beautiful conversation in our memories with the intricacies of human relationships cultivated by time. But I want a group of friends like this – friends with whom I can have deep, heartfelt, fascinating conversations that jump quickly and satisfyingly through words and references, always delivering perfect meanings, feelings, and thoughts.
I’ve told myself time and time again that this is something that will come with age and maturation. It’s hard to find people in my age group who care about what I do as much as I do. And that doesn’t mean I’m better or worse, I just need to make the personal effort to create friendships with people I have a good gut-feeling about – I haven’t acted on my environment with all my personal resources, at least not in any truly motivated way.
With the fear of reaching out, though, comes the fear of rejection and inability to keep up. I’m essentially introverted, though very friendly (introverted, to me, does not mean shy). So I guess I’ll have to get rid of these fears first, and then I’ll make that fantasy world of being surrounded by fascinating, truly beautiful (heart/mind/soul-beautiful) people with whom I can have conversations late into the night.
