As many teens do, I worried about peer approval for much of my high school years. I rarely felt I was on the same wavelength as the people I hung out with.
I’m in my second year of college now and am trying to embrace my own wavelength. It was easier to do this last year when I was in Yellow Springs, OH (a hippie town with a very accepting, laid-back community) than this year, back at home in New York City (pretty critical, high-paced, and kind of wearing). I’ve definitely stopped feeling horrible about myself like I sometimes did in high school. I’m less self-conscious and can leave the house without obsessing over my hair, you know? But I still worry about getting approval.
I’ve recently started dating someone twice my age. Things are incredibly good between us – it’s been two months, and he treats me outstandingly. I’ve been trying to treat him as best I can, and I’m learning to communicate with him in a way I’ve never felt comfortable doing with anyone else. He’s mature! Finally! Someone I can trust to act human and humane with me!
But as open as he is with me, I’ve had a harder time letting him into my life. The age difference is a good excuse, but it’s still an excuse. There’s a deeper reason. Part of it is my fear that maybe I’m unloveable. And part of it is the belief that people around me would not accept it. They’d think I was crazy, pathetic, or whatever. I’m not even sure what I think they’d think, I just fear it.
It doesn’t matter though, really. I’ve chosen the friends to tell carefully, and they’ve reacted as I thought they would. They’ve all accepted it, whether or not they were okay with it initially – because they noticed how I’ve set my jaw to go through with it, whatever they think. Instead of ousting me from their life, they’ve been very supporting (as friends worth having would do).
I think it’s okay for me to have sought the approval of my closest friends. But what about the others, the people I’m still reluctant to tell?
I don’t have to tell them. But if I run into them and the topic comes up, I won’t lie to them. Because I shouldn’t seek their approval any longer! I don’t need it! Some part of me still looks for it, but I need to really think through why and just get over it. I love who I love and I am who I am, and the people that wouldn’t accept that aren’t worth my time. Not really because they wouldn’t approve of what I’m doing, but because I always kind of knew that they weren’t people I enjoyed being around anyway. I just thought I was supposed to like them. I assumed the others were right. But I know what feels good and what doesn’t, and now it’s time to really listen to myself. To push myself to understand and change for greater happiness.
