live with integrity

..the American Heritage Dictionary

in·teg·ri·ty (n.)

1. Steadfast adherence to a strict moral or ethical code.
2. The state of being unimpaired; soundness.
3. The quality or condition of being whole or undivided; completeness.

This is a big goal. I added it because I felt like it was something that I should be reminded of constantly, but for the past few years it’s come to me pretty naturally. I was raised in a family with a strong sense of morals and values, so I had a good idea of what it meant to do right pretty early on. But i’ve noticed that as my life gets more and more complicated, i’m working a lot harder to make good choices and “do the right thing”. I’m dealing with a lot of disorder within my family; school is getting more and more involved; my social life is evolving in a new direction; and work is constantly testing my integrity.

I’ve always understood the significance of it, but I never really thought of it as being very complicated: Don’t lie, don’t steal, don’t cheat, don’t manipulate, etc. Now I realize what a fool I am for thinking it would go so smoothly. It looks like I have a long, winding road ahead of me, and it’s too late to turn around. Sometimes I wish I was just a morally bankrupt person so I could let go of my conscience, live the easy life, and never know the difference. Unfortunately integrity is one of the least reinforced values in our society, and therefore one of the rarest.

I’m struggling with this one right now. I wasn’t going to write about this because I feel so guilty, but the hard ones are probably the best one’s to write about. Let me preface this by saying that i’ve grown up as a pacifist. I was taught that violence is not the way for an intelligent person to handle any situation. I’m also a realist, so I don’t think that violence can ever be eliminated, but I think the key is in restraint. Now my problem. I was at the bar last night with my sister. We were walking through the parking lot after having a great time, and some drunk ass mf got in her face. I was directly behind her, so he obviously knew she wasn’t looking for a date (even though she’s my sis & all). Anyway, he wouldn’t step back, so I told her we would be better off going around his car.

I turned to go around, and I heard her yell ‘hey’ at him. Turns out he tried to grab her when she tried to follow me. So I ran right up & got in front of her, and he wouldn’t back down. I told him to back the (expletive) off, and he moved closer. I told him that he was drunk & his friends should take him home. I turned to walk away and he shoved me face first into the adjacent car. So I turned around and hit him. I’m not proud, but I was feeling so defensive over the way he grabbed her that I couldn’t restrain myself. His friends got into it, and I got a little hurt, but not as bad as him.

In the process I got a broken thumb & some bloody knuckles, which will leave scars that will remind me of the whole damn thing for the rest of my life. The problem is, that i’m not sure whether I was being a good brother, or if I took it too far. I knew he was completely drunk, but in my opinion that doesn’t excuse his actions. If you hit someone while driving, being drunk certainly doesn’t excuse you. In any case, I feel like I should feel better about myself than I actually do. I mean after all, I was only lookin out for my lil sis, so why do I feel so guilty.