cooperate with the inevitable

..the last year of my life has been totally outta control. I thought I had reached a point where I was in control of things, and then absolute hell broke loose. I lost my show car (8 month project) in an accident that separated my shoulder, then I shattered my hand & needed 2 operations to repair it, had to drop out of school, then outta the blue I found out that my aunt had cancer and a month later she passed, then a month later my classic camaro (8 YEAR project) was rear-ended & totaled.

This ‘life’ thing is way too difficult. Things are claming down now, so hopefully i’ll get a few months without any major disasters. I still haven’t really dealt with everything that has happened so far so I really hope I get a few months to make peace with everything. Figured this would be a good time to start writing again.. to help me work through it all.

My aunt Stephanie died on Sunday, March 25th. I have nothing personal to say right now, but a website was set up in her memory HERE. Donations can be made to the American Cancer Society through the site. There are beautiful pictures of her, and stories of her life will be posted soon. She was an amazing person, and she will never be forgotten

My aunt hasn’t woken up since the last day we talked to her. This is all happening way too fucking fast. She called us to tell us that the mass was cancerous, and that was it. No more calls, no going out to visit her, no goodbyes. I suppose i’m still holding out some hope for her to wake up, but I think only for my own comfort. I know in my heart that it’s over, but it’s so hard to deal with whats going on when she’s just lying there unconscious. It’s almost as if we’re waiting for her to die, and it’s the most awful feeling. I can’t grieve because she’s still holding on, but there’s basically no chance of any recovery. I just don’t know what to do with that. More importantly, I can’t imagine what her family is going through. They have to sit there day after day watching her sleep, just waiting for her to pass on. I just don’t understand how this could all be happening so fast. She had a pain in her back three months ago, and now she’s about to die. What the fuck is that. As a psychologist, a philosopher, and a casual theologian, I can’t find any possible reason for things to come to an end for her like this. She spent her whole life passionately striving to make the world a better place, and in a heartbeat everything is taken away from her and her family. It’s fucked up. That’s all I have to say

I recently found out that my aunt has a cancerous mass in her back. There were a lot of people at her house when we spoke though, so she didn’t want to give any details. The fact that she wouldn’t talk about it, tells me that it’s serious. If it wasn’t a big deal, she wouldn’t delay explaining it to me… she would’ve told me then. She also said that she has to work out a disagreement within her family, which is most likely the decision whether or not to undergo treatment. I just don’t know what to do with myself… she is one of the few people in my family I am genuinely close to. She’s my dad’s only remaining relative, and I don’t know what he’s gonna do without her.

I’m doing my best to stay strong, because in the end, she’s the one who will suffer. It’s just not right.. she’s such an amazing person, and she deserves so much better. Her house is powered by solar panels to conserve energy, she keeps a water bucket in the shower to reuse the wasted water in her garden, she’s a vegetarian, she’s a therapist, and she does everything she can to make the world a better place. She’s in her 50’s, but she’s one of the most active people I know.. she completely loves life, and truly appreciates every moment. She regularly goes rafting, mountain-biking, hiking, she loves snowboarding, goes to film festivals, etc. She flies across the country three times a year just to see me and the rest of my family.

I just can’t accept that she’s gonna call me up and tell me that she’s dying. I’ve just never known anyone to enjoy life more than her, and it’s not right. As I said, I still don’t know much, but I have this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach… I keep trying to think positively, but I can’t shake the feeling that she’s got very little time left. This is just all wrong..

...with this goal right now. I was recently in a car accident, and my poor Lincoln was destroyed. It took me three months to find it, I flew 800 miles to buy it, spent 6 months modifying it, and now it’s gone. So many bad things had to come together to cause the accident that I just don’t understand how. The chances of it all happening so perfectly are just unimaginable. If that wasn’t bad enough, I was one out of ten Lincoln LS’s accepted into a car show later this month, and I found out the day before the accident that I had final approval to be in a calendar for 2007.

And as if things couldn’t possibly get any worse, the insurance company said they might not be able to cover the car, so I might just be out my $30,000 investment. I have a severely separated shoulder, i’m stuck wearing a neck-brace, and I got a concussion when I broke the driver’s window with my head, but other than that I wasn’t hurt too badly. The guy who was riding with me only has scrapes & bruises, but the entire back half of my car is gone. I reached in the back seat after the accident to look for my cell phone, and I was touching the inside-out trunk lid. The police said they were in shock when they came up on the mangled car, and we were just sitting behind it. In fact the CD case that I keep in the car was found over 30 yards from the accident scene.

All in all we’re lucky to be alive, so I can’t forget that, but it just doesn’t seem to even matter right now. I would be devastated if my friend was hurt badly, or god forbid killed, but I really couldn’t care less what happened to me. That car was everything to me, and I don’t know if i’m gonna be able to cooperate with the fact that it’s gone forever. Not to mention that I can’t work anymore, I now have no transportation to college, and I may have to make payments for the next 3 years on a car that doesn’t exist anymore. I’ve been through enough to understand how lucky I am to be alive, but I don’t think I deserve to have everything taken away like this. I’ve already been in one serious accident, and it turned my life upside down. I just don’t know if I have the strength to do it all again.