17fifth

Having decided about my marriage and converted that goal to ‘end my marriage’, I looked through my other goals and realized that ‘feel more certain about the choices I make’ is really part and parcel with ‘having a more positive attitude’. or perhaps both would really fall into something more like ‘believing in myself’, having self-confidence,...I don’t know. I was actually in a pretty good place until this whole marriage thing started anyway—I had a good job, my kids were doing well, I lived in a nice place and had few financial worries, I had walked away from a toxic boyfriend, (who I then allowed myself to be talked into marrying a year later).

Looking back, I think it may have actually been my decision to take that good job and move away from him that in fact started me down the road to ruin. had I stayed put, things would be so different now!! but who knows, there’s a lot of good in my life that I would not have if I had chosen that path.

My angel card this week – integrity.

These last few entries make me realize that I have decided about my Marriage, and it’s time to close out this goal and start on the next – Get Out of My Marriage. The better to feel myself definite and decided on this.

Last night he came home so reeking of pot, (I guess he smoked some just before entering the apt. or something), that I smelled him walking past me before I had noticed him. After a while, the odor dissipated, but for a while, you could probably have gotten high just on the fumes left in his wake. I realize that should he get into any trouble about this, it’s my trouble too, since I’m knowingly living in a place where there’s an illegal substance being owned, and there would be a presumption of ownership on my part as well. Additionally, writing this constitutes evidence that I am not unaware of the situation, (though I don’t know precisely where he keeps it).

I’ve found out good news/bad news, if I leave, it wouldn’t be ‘abandonment’, but it would be something akin to kidnapping, with the worse result being that he could sue for custody on the grounds that I kept him from seeing her, (!). The idiocy of the law, the same laws that say that until he hits her, he can’t be prevented from hitting her arghh. If I leave, he gets her, but if I stay, I’m also in legal trouble, now I’m really in the soup, we’re going from bad to worse.