19something

He’s wonderful. An intimidating kind of wonderful. Whenever I’m in his zone, I feel small and unconfident and uninteresting and uptight. I talk and reply with minimum words. I can’t freely be the interesting sides of myself.
And when we’re playing together, I’m afraid of being expressive, of making comments and saying what I think or how I want things.

I made no move, and now he’s dating the flautist.

You know when you just fit in a country?
I visited Germany for two weeks last summer and we clicked. I felt I belonged. I took the fresh air of Bruchsal, Karlsruhe and the Black Forest deep in my lungs, and I would do anything to be drenched in it again.

I feel like I need to get this out of my system: not just the kiss, but a lesbian affair.
I’m just scared of doing that and then realizing I’m totally into girls. The thing is, I’m physically and emotionally attracted to women, and physically more than I am to men. But for someone who’s inexperienced in sex and romantic relationships, it might mean nothing. It might all be in my head, intensified by constant feeding.