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Devin and I were walking around the city late one night (June 23, 2006 to be specific) and we got caught in the rain. I hadn’t told him about wanting to do this, but while we were standing under an overpass smoking cigarettes and giggling about the rain, I pummeled him with kisses and afterwards he said “Take that To-Do List!!” and shook his fist towards the sky. :D

About this time last week I couldn’t sleep and being seperated from my human sleep hammer, Devo, I was lost. After a couple of hours of mindless television and strange conversation, something weird happened. I noticed a shift in my reality, except this time it wasn’t after the fact, but during.

Having never noticed a shift in my reality before, I am obviously taking a lot of time over-analyzing it. Note my growing compulsion and memoiratic speech patterns laid thick upon each and every word I type on my screen (and that’s what I call being “melodramatic”). Moving along then. When I arrived home from work yesterday I felt fantastic. The whole day was like that, for once I didn’t struggle to wake myself in the morning, for once only ONE small cup of coffee was all it took, it was just a good day. At work, twas the normal customers coming in for eyeglass repairs & re-orders, with an added bonus that I made $80 in commissions for being polite to an insanely old man. I convinced him to buy every possible add-on he could buy, PLUS one of the more expensive Gucci lenses. Perhaps he was humoring me because I’m some 20-something-girl but also that he’s like this 86 year old blind-as-a-bat old man … But it worked, and for only being my 3rd sale in the month or so I’ve worked at …, I think $80 extra dollars on a an already HORRIFICALLY SHORT paycheck, is quite a nice touch. Money seems to be coming in at small spurts. My mom’s settlement check from her car accident over a month a go is finally coming in, thus my car is finally getting fixed because, as much as I hate to admit it, there isn’t any way I could possibly afford to get it fixed myself right now or even get the tags, registration and insurance restored right now without some sort of help from my parents. Ah well, such is the way of things. If you had told me 2 years ago, around this time of year, when I had just moved back home that I my “metaphoric ship would have come in” I would have laughed in your face and asked you to hand over whatever you happened to be on.

At that time I was so broke I couldn’t even describe it. I was starting to get random moments where my whole body would shake and I would have horrific nightmares about the car accident a couple weeks prior. I stayed in my house for months and never went anywhere because I just couldn’t. ... finally convinced me that I really needed to get out and she wanted me to start dating again. When she told me she set me up on some crazy blind date, I was so angry I could have sliced her to bits, but I did anyway and meeting … was the worst thing that could have happened. He emotionally, financially, and mentally destroyed me with all the things he did and brought up all kinds of old horrific things from all the places I had been and all the awful shit I went through to get to a point where leaving my house was a scary thought. The relationship was a sham, two people just floating around who happen to be mildly attracted to each other and you know the rest, it all blows up into this twisted soap opera of best-friend-takes-boyfriend situation. Up until last night I had hated this girl with the most intense passion ever that I would kill her on sight. Literally. I had horrible fantasies of wailing on her so badly that I sent her to the emergency room bleeding from almost every part of her body and that she died on the operating table. Soon, these nightmares took over the car accident ones and I would wake up so petrified that my eyes would just shoot open and I would be staring off in the corner of my room, watching shadows of trees dance from my window. I can’t even describe what that was like, it’s all such a blur anymore.

Getting back to that night, while I was sitting up late talking to Devin, I went on this insane creativity binge. It seemed to me that my anger was finally coming to some kind of fruition. I began working on my novel again and in two hours I had it finished after not having worked on it for months. I was having this intense conversation and furiously typing away the words to something I never actually thought I would ever finish. This isn’t the first time this has happened, and “coincidentally” this type of thing started happening right around the time I met Devin. It’s crazy, this whole “stable relationship” thing. It’s like I’m in this whole new world where I’m not sure what’s going to happen next or if I’ll do something stupid and somehow in my way of falling through life, I’ll lose this like I’ve lost so many things. Before him I was so numb to everything that I felt like nothing would phase me. I was lacking every emotion you could have because I was so drained of my 2 year “black period”, shall I say, and my brain and body just couldn’t even take it anymore. Hence the nightmares and the fantasy of murder I was willing to entertain.

So as I was writing the last few pages to my first novel (yet untitled) I realized that I no longer needed to hate her for what she did to me, but to just drop it now because my life isn’t as destructive as she thinks. I finally have a new perspective on focusing what this newfound range of emotions can produce. I have never had this level of passion & fervor for my writing. I’ve always thought it really wasn’t good enough, but I am a whole new person now and before, I was just floating along to the path of life, dating … for his financial stability, almost marrying … because he was willing to take me away from my family and our explosive relationship, dating … & moving to Virginia because opportunity arose to get away from south Jersey and my crumbling so-called reality, and even down to being friends with … for the drugs and shortly dating … merely for the free tattoos. I realized last night what my apathy did to me. I surrounded myself with people with all the wrong things and at all the wrong times in my life.

I guess you could say I had a moment of clarity. I finally know for sure where I’m going to be in 5 years, or at least where I’d like to be, and knowing that I have this cosmically insane guy who I stumbled upon at the apparent perfect time in my life. All this is just so crazy, being with him for such a short time and already I fucking know who and what I’m supposed to be and be with. There isn’t anyone else in the world who has ever had such an effect on me. For once I wake up in the morning, turn over and search for traces of his smell and expect to feel the warm sheets as if he’s just climbed out of bed for a moment and will return as soon as he can. He’s the only one I have ever felt totally myself around, all with the exception of Debi, and can finally be 100% honest with, again with the exception of Debi. I have never believed in this kind of thing. Never believed that I would actually find direction. Never believed that my wondering and curiosities would actually become a part of my reality. I’m so in love with him that it hurts when he’s not around. And strange as it seems, that kind of pain has always been there, I just never understood it. That “I’m just floating through life” hopeless feeling, that incomprehension and lack of direction and inspiration, I never knew what it was. Not until now. Just simply knowing that everything I experience now I get to share with someone else who is there for me and can comprehend all of it. Someone to stand on the brink of reality with. He’s the one whose name you’ll see on the dedication page when I get my novel published (and you know I’ll fucking do it come hell or high water, it’s something I’ve wanted to badly in my life that if I don’t do it, I’ve failed myself).

Everything just makes sense, at least for me.

I used to think love was a joke after my fiance left me for another woman and had a series of failed relationships afterwards. I was devoid of emotion then, extended from the loss of what I thought love was supposed to be (i.e. “defined”) and other circumstances of my life at that point in time. I had given up by this past January and resolved to forget about it completely, that “none of that nonsense is even worth it anymore”. So obviously bitter. Then, I took a huge chance and got off my ass and met someone. Hah, he blew me away. We’ve been together since April and honestly, that’s it, I’m done looking for anyone else. As cliche as it sounds, he’s my love, the yin to my yang, the best thing to ever happen to me. And it’s insane.