43future

Today is my official “week 1”. I think this week has been a huge success for me. Last week at this time, I was feeling sick and frusterated at myself, having just come off of a 4-day binge. I spent a lot of time reflecting this week. Not just on 43things, but to my husband and within my own head. The irony of life is sometimes too much to take, since I met a person in my Saturday class who is currently attending AA and a huge success as far as how far she has come to quit drinking and doing drugs. She was an inspiration, but also a reality check that i’m not the only other “normal” person who has quit…and in every day life the person sitting next to you could have dealt with the same struggles as you. Basically, alcoholics don’t wear different clothes, speak a different language, or have “loser” tattooed on our heads. Instead, we are just like the rest of the population – just not holding a drink. Saturday night my husband and went to a nice restraunt for dinner. I checked over the wine menu, finding some of the best I have seen in a long time. I reluctantly ordered a sparkling water and watched my husband drink down two of my favorite IPA’s. I thought about asking for a sip and then thought again…why? What satisfaction will I get from a sip? None. I’ll just want more. End up ordering one, then two, and by the end of the night i’ll be passed out a half-rack of bottles empty on the kitchen counter and angry at myself beyond words. I took another sip of my tonic water.

I went to therapy today. Not for drinking, but for my normal psychological issues. Funny how the only thing I could think about was what a fool I have made of myself while drinking and how many of my problems I have looked into in therapy could probably have been solved with a 12-step program. I remember, at one point in college, thinking to myself how insane people were for having a drink before 7pm, or worse yet a bloody mary with breakfast. NASTY. I am now that person. I wake up ready to start the day and by noon, I wish I had a Hefeweizen in hand. I wonder how often beer is the culprit? I know most people i’ve heard talk in AA have dealt with the hard stuff. I, personally, have issues with the wheaty, thick Microbrews. Not that the formula makes a difference, they are all equally destructive.

How do I feel? I have a headache. One that quite simply won’t go away…and lets be honest….my body feels “ireegular”. I’ve gone longer than this without alcohol….but not since I become a “regular” on the barstool. Last night, I went to a bar with a friend and ended up drinking spiced cider. It wasn’t that hard….until I hear myself start ordering a beer. As you all know, it took an act of god to replace the words “IPA” with “another cider”...but I did it. For once, I didn’t regret anything I said, I didn’t forget anything I said, I didn’t right-out lie, (this is common for me when I drink, to just make things up that never happened), I didn’t spend a fortune, and I drove home sober. This is terrible, I realize, but there is something about getting in the car and leaving a bar sober that makes you paranoid. I have left so many times intoxicated, I forgot what it was like to not worry about swerving or headlights in your rearview. 3 days down…..a lifetime to go.

Today is day two. I have already started with my typical denial stages…
1. I’m not realistically going to be able to do this. All events in my life require drinking.
2. How am I going to explain to my drinking buddies that I have quit?
3. Do people actually go out and not have a glass of wine with dinner? What about wine tasting?
4. I’ll probably never be invited to another event like a superbowl party, or a brewfest. No one wants you there if you are not drinking.
5.How will i ever loosen up and become social again? I’m normally such an introvert.
6. What about after-work beers? Will I become someone who doesn’t fit in at work because of this decision?
7. Do I tell people why?
8. What about just setting a limit? Won’t that work? Just one glass of wine to show people that i’m still “cool”?
9. How am I supposed to get through a football game????

This is terrible. Its only the second day and i’m already going through these crazy thoughts of why I should be able to drink again. I guess this proves how much of a problem I have! I’m still a bit sick and hung over from Sunday. I can’t believe it has lasted this long. Anyway, the point being, I realize these are all things that i’m going to have to contend with for a long time to come. I’ve had some amazing times in the past with drink-in-hand. I guess I’m going to have to learn to have those times sans drink.