I have the unhealthy habit of biting my nails but worse still, I have the disgusting habit of tearing the nail & picking at the cuticle of my fourth right finger until there’s blood (& most of the time it doesn’t stop there, read on).
I can’t remember exactly when this habit started, it’s probably when I was around 17 years old. I’m 23 this year. Initially, I wasn’t always conscious when I was tearing that particular nail & picking at the cuticle untill the nail becomes so short that it pushes into the nail bed & the right side of the nail becomes red & sore & starts to bleed. But there were times that I realized I was doing that & I would put all things on hold & focus on doing it.
Then one day, a home tutor pointed out to me that I was constantly rubbing my last finger against the side of my fourth finger throughout the whole lesson, even as I was writing. She told me to stop that because my fourth finger was going all red & sore. I was shocked. I knew I was picking at my finger the night before but what I didn’t realized was that I was even trying to do that while I was writing (but I obviously couldn’t, so I had to restort to rubbing my last finger against my fourth finger). I also didn’t realize how sore my finger looked to others.
After the incident, I started to pay more attention to my “finger picking” habit. Soon, I realized that 1) I only pick at my finger when I’m starting to get stressed/ when I’m stressed; 2) what sparks each incident of “finger picking” would be me seeing the skin on the right side of my finger being rough; 3) I would attempt to pull off the rough skin, tear off the top of the nail, then realize that I haven’t torn of the rough skin properly (jagged edges/ some of it stuck in the hard to access gap between the nail & the finger) & would continue to pick until I see no remains of the rough skin. Obviously, the finger will never be smooth after doing all these & in fact looks & feel 10 times worse. So, I finally decided that it’s not really an issue of a dry cuticle but that I may have a psychological problem! But I didn’t know anyone who had the same problem. I also tried to google online but didn’t find any info on this habit so I thought I was thinking too much.
Then, the habit got worse. I used to pick only using my other fingers but progressed to using a nail clipper to clip off skin & using pins & nail sissors to dig into the gap between my nail & finger. I find that these equipments do a better job at getting rid of the unslightly rough skin.
The funny thing is that it hurts as I pick deeper & deeper but I wouldn’t stop because I actually find pleasure in the pain. And when blood starts oozing out, I relish in the sight & excert more pressure on my finger to force more blood out. I know, it’s sadistic.
The disgusting problem of picking at my finger has developed into such a sadistic act. But I can’t help it! Once I start picking on my finger, I can’t stop!
It can’t get any worse than this right? WRONG! I told my mom about my habit one day. She didn’t think much of it & just told me to stop being so dirty & gave me a bottle of antiseptic to clean my wound. Now I hope I didn’t apply the antiseptic at that time because antiseptic has now become part of my “finger picking” process. We all know how painful it is when we apply antiseptic to a wound. But, somehow I like that pain that I feel when I apply antiseptic to my raw bleeing finger… I don’t feel high but I definitely find pleasure in that stinging pain. So now I always end my “finger picking” process with the application of antiseptic. It gets so pain that I’ll stop picking after that but if I’m still edgy the next day, the process starts all over again, if not, my finger would be left alone to heal until the next time.
I really want to put a stop to this disgusting, sadist habit but I don’t have the will power to do so…
And, I still don’t know what’s the real reason behind me doing such a horrible deed. I think it’s just a way that I deal with stress? But it’s unhealthy! I haven’t gotten an infection yet touch wood but I could eventually! It’s obviously not a healthy way to deal with stress in the first place (how is inflicting pain on onself healthy?).
I didn’t know anyone who had a similar problem until today when I found this site. Phew, now I know I’m not alone. But, obviously, my case is a more serious case (using pins, sissors & antiseptic). I wonder if anyone actually bothers to read my lengthy entry. And wonder if anyone actually does the exact same thing i.e. targeting only one finger; not doing it all the time but only when stressed; put away all other things when doing it; rubbing the sore finger constantly because it’s rough & also to induce pain; using equipments like pins & nail sissors… I also wonder if anyone has gotten professional help with the habit or has found an effective way themselves to curb the urge to finger pick.
I did think of going to see a doctor before because at one point I thought my habit might be due to an infection. But, my finger doesn’t look infected at all if I don’t pick at it! After I convinced myself that it’s a pychological thing, I decided that going to a normal doctor wouldn’t help. Then, since my mom doesn’t think it’s a psychological thing & since I couldn’t find any info about this behaviour on the web before today, I decided that I’m just a sadist. So I haven’t seen any doctor/ psychiatrist.
I really don’t like the look & feel of my raw finger post-picking. I also can’t stand the fact that I waste time whenever I focus on picking at my finger (I put away all other things & really focus on my finger). I also know people get disgusted when I subconsciously pick/ rub my finger in public (like the tutor I mentioned & once, a lady sitting next to me on a bus clearly got disgusted & moved away). I want this to stop!
I’ve tried putting on bandaids and it doesn’t work. I would just continue rubbing/ picking my finger unil there’s a hole in the bandaid & it never took too long for this to happen.
I’ve even tried moisturizing my hands & putting on gloves. But I really hate the feeling of having to do things with gloves on. Also, I would continue to rub my finger although I wouldn’t be able to do much more damage to it. Of course, putting on gloves also doesn’t help me kick the habit once & for all.
I really want this habit to go away but I’ve ran out of ideas to deal with it.
I also want to know if I’m really right that this is more than just an annoying habit. I finally found a website today that writes that picking at fingers could very well be a form of OCD. This doesn’t come to my suprise since I’ve suspected over the last few years that I may be an OCD sufferer.
I have a few other habits that I think point towards me having OCD but I won’t go into detail about them here. But the thing is that I never did think I might have OCD before. I always knew I was a little bit of a perfectionist. I know being a perfectionist MAY have something to do with having OCD. But, if you have OCD, you are born with it right? It’s not supposed to only start surfacing in later part of your life right? Being a perfectionist in my work, applying make-up & arranging furniture (strangely, not in other areas/ aspects of my life) has definitely affected my life more & more in recent years (I’m struggling actually) but surely that’s not OCD right because they weren’t there/ were so prominent when I was younger?
Well, maybe I should see a specialist to find out if I really do have OCD & if my “finger picking” habit could be a part of that. But I’m thinking that it may be silly to approach a specialist & tell him/ her that I suspect that I may have OCD. I mean, usually that’s what a specialist says to the patient, not the other way round. I don’t want to come across as being a paranoid. Of course, visiting a specialist isn’t going to be cheap as well. Then there’s the fear of being put on medication. It’s not that I don’t believe in medication but I hear of psychiatrists prescribing anti-depresants & other medications rather flippantly these days. And we all know that a lot of the time, these medications are prescribed on a trial-an-error basis. I seriously don’t want to have mind and mood altering drugs in my system before I know for sure what’s wrong with me! I’m also afraid that I would end up being dependant on medication & start giving myself excuses whenever I’m faced with some other kind of problem in future. Don’t want to be taking medication for long term either. I know a friend who has been on psychotic drug for 8 years. She’s not crazy but apparently there’s some chemical imbalance in her brain but it is very clear to a lot of our common friends that she could probably do without the medication/ at least not rely so much on them because it’s quite obvious it’s a personality issue that’s making her suffer. The chemcial imbalance theory may not be as true/ as major as her psychiatrist makes it to be. I just fear that I may end up being like that. Her medications has side effects & I can empathize with her sometimes when she doesn’t know whether she should stop the medication. But she has become so reliant on them that she don’t really have a choice. I don’t want side effects & I don’t want to be robbed off my will-power to overcome problems (I already have so little will-power!). Maybe I think too much. Maybe I won’t be prescibed anything! But I’ve heard of so many stories about psychiatrists prescribing medications easily…
Urgh. I feel so helpless & am annoyed! I really don’t know what to do!
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