Goddess Adonia~

So here i sit in this beautiful new house. It’s quite close to my old house in the same area. The sunlight shines through the blinds in this south facing house, giving a lovely warmth to the place. I’m really grateful my step mum has been kind enough to rent this out to me. I have alot of pets so this is quite important to me that she was happy with them. She told me today she is pleased to have me as a tenant and i’m very appreciative.

“Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier.”
- Mother Teresa

It’s 15:10 and i’ve decided to prioritize myself, my happiness and that of those closest to me. I feel like i’ve been running round in circles not knowing what to do, asking questions from the people i love, expecting them to make my decisions for me.

Journalling has been difficult, for it requires me to be in touch with my emotions. Sitting here back on cipramil that i got from the doctor to supress my anger and irritability, i feel that i may have failed myself in going onto these tablets. I feel much weaker on them as a person, although i don’t anger quite so much or get so emotional.

To me however, life is about experiencing the colour and full range of emotions, not just living inside the box that soceity creates and those around you who would prefer you to conform to there standards and belief systems. Personally i’m sure that i can go back to my own ways, but i’m sure there are many other people in the world with problems who stay trapped by the seemingly harmless antidepressants.I won’t speculate anymore. I just know that it’s probably not natural, but then nor is eating chips or unhealthy foods and drinks but i do this regularly also.

I would say we have a drug epidemic at the moment, if it’s not prescription drugs, it’s hard drugs from dealers that are the next choice for most. I don’t know may social circles where drugs are not involved in some way or another, whether prescription based or not. It worrys me, my experience of drugs being an elevated experience of human life. However should we not be going out of our way to gain these experiences safely or has drug taking become so common place that it is safe, that society is actually founded on it in many respects. This is the invisible thread that holds people together, keeps people at work, keeps people in check and keeps this system together. Again i’m just philosophizing here as per my recent experiences and that of others i know.

My brain feels somewhat messed up today. The last month has been eventful that’s for sure. Since i wrote last my memory is so poor. I remember i missed my grandads birthday and i still keep meaning to get him a gift to take through when i have chance. I remember that i bought a new rabbit pen for the bunnies to enjoy some grass and sunshine. The thing that sticks in my head the most though is being assaulted on sunday 12th july. My brothers birthday.

My boyfriend had taken me out for a meal to a lovely local italian restaurant. We had enjoyed the company so much of a couple from brighton who were the only other two guests at the time and the owner. The food was delicious and so it should have been for the price. I had an esquisite evening, all until that was we decided to go into a pub for a drink afterwards.

It didn’t take long for my presence in the pub to be upsetting to the locals as i danced carelessly with my boyfriend and within 10 minutes i was being beaten in the head and kicked in the spine. I stood my ground, but helpless as 6 women beat me until i finally yelled my boyfriends name in pain. He was also hurt trying to fend these girls off and the owner finally stepped in and let us out of the back of the pub.

Unfortuantely i was too shook up to call the police, so we continued on to meet my brother and put the incident behind us. It was only later when my spine started to hurt and my head swelled i realised that i had some severe damage from the attack. The following day i called the police and visited the doctor. They took a statement and went down the usual procedures, including arranged for me to have photographs taken. It was all very daunting for me. Not once in 25 years have i been assaulted so violently. It was quite a shock.

Trying to read the instructions on the microwave packet was difficult the following day as i couldn’t focus at all. I realise that some damage has been done, but im not sure to what extent and despite doctors orders to get an xray, the hospital turned me away saying my doctor was an idiot for sending me for a coccyx xray, which apparantely isn’t something the hospitals do these days as it’s too high risk.

Moving on from this, the weekend of the 24th of July 2009 until the sunday i’ve enjoyed the global gathering festival in stratford. We set off at 6am on Friday and returned home bypassing our friends house to arrive here for Tuesday. Fortunately my brother cared for my pets, all 17 of them whilst i was away, which was very kind of him.

The festival was okay. I didn’t have as good a time as i would have if i hadn’t have got involved in the drug taking that everyone was doing. A rave with 60000 is quite impressive, but to be honest i would have prefered a lovely meal with my other half in a posh restaurant or a nice trip to tenerife for the week at an all inclusive hotel.

Of course i did enjoy the ostrich burgers which i’d never tried before and prodigy was quite good to watch along with gods kitchen, but i spent most of my saturday recovering from taking too many substances that were bad for me. In fact i don’t even know what i was taking, it was very irresponisble of me and i remember waiting in the toliets for the hallucinagenic effects to wear off as i couldn’t really tolerate it. Some people love this, but not me. I don’t mind being happy, but experiencing reality shift to such a massive degree is not my idea of fun.

Again i manage to get roped into the social circles that take drugs. My preference though is to spend an evening with my sister making a curry and enjoying a dance around the kitchen or having a barbacue as we did this summer with friends. My passions are so invigorating for me that i really don’t need drugs. I love horse-ridings, personal development and reading, eating out, spending time connecting with friends on a deep level, dancing, singing, travelling. I wish i could influence my friends and my boyfriend in a positive way towards a more healthy lifestyle. Maybe we all need to take up sky diving together and go hiking in the woods so we can connect on a more social and adventurous level.

Trying to help people i know are addicted, rather than just following the crowd, as i do, is very difficult. To become to the leader rather than the one who is more submissive, which i am by anyones outside perspective. Inside though i do have a great deal of determination and focus which i can apply to a given situation, it’s just being able to decide how to implement my ideas without causing any problems with everyone.

Just off the phone from my friend. I really miss him. He’s my best friend infact. He has helped me so much in my life with everything and always been there for me when i need him. I do trust him alot even though he has let me down on a couple of occasions, i have done the same to him. His dream is to go live in tenerife. I’m thinking about taking a holiday here at some point and am sat with the brochures having a browse to see if i can get something reasonable that is all inclusive. I’ve never booked a holiday before so it’s a new experience for me, despite having been on several.

I’m glad to hear my friend has sorted his finances and has a lodger. I myself will be getting new keys to a new property tommorow as my tenancy has expired here. I’m excited about moving into a house that is of neutral design and very comfortable with a small garden for my animals and i plan to invest in a new hutch on the 3rd when we book the van to move our furniture. There is quite alot to get soerted out and my main aim this week is to handle moving and get my forms into the council which i need to get back that they are waiting on.

I’m about to start looking for work this month to see if i can find something on a reasonable salary to run along side my business. I’m happy at the moment with things just plodding along as they are, as iv’e alot of personal things on my plate that need dealing with. Some of which include my frequent trips to the vets as my cat has a problem pulling out her fur. This has cost in the region of £400 to deal with and my rabbit has mallocursion, costing about £12.50 to have his teeth trimmed each time along with two other bunnies that have runny eyes so are on antibiotics, which is costing another £18-£40 a week. Such an expense. My outgoings for my pets is now totalling around £200 a month including vet bills. It used to be only £70 when things were going well.

My boyfriend is abit distant from me at the moment as i’ve had to use his card alot, infact i’ve spent £1000’s of his money to survive whilst i’ve been unemployed and he is getting restless, so finding work is a priority for the moment. It’s difficult for us to spend any time together going out when finances are tight.

In front of me though i’ve a nice varse of flowers my neighbours daughter brought me for saving her pet rabbit called ruby, she was found in my trash and i reported her to the RSPCA, before the neighbours got in touch and let me know she had a home. I would have taken her in, but i’m glad that the little girl got her pet bunny rabbit back.

The plan now is to start getting a routine again that will help me move forward with my life.

• Speaking to my neighbour in the street, having a nice conversation

• My boyfriend telling me about his poker experience, it’s quite interesting to listen too & also him buying me a bottle of red wine tonight

• For my vets bill today only being £56.00 despite taking three of my pets to the vets.

• It was wonderful my cat and rabbit got on today in the carrier and pets at home allowed them in the store whilst i did a little shopping.

• Speaking to my sister on the phone when the rain was pouring down and talking to her about how beautiful it was.

• Having a lovely walk to the shop, twice as i forgot the sugar for our tea!