Aelumina

UURRGGGG…. this is insane! I have had this stupid habit, this gross habit for about 15 years and I’m only 26. I know exactly when I started it and I keep relapsing. Currently, I am in one of my relapses for probably the 1000x. I found one little imperfection last Sunday night and I just had to fix it… which means gnawing at it with my teeth. I keep going and going and going and after a few hours, that little imperfection had exploded in my mouth covering everything on the inside. I don’t have one good inch left right now. In addition to just finding that one imperfection, I do this because I am stressed, bored, hungry, tired, irritated, when I am studying, driving, and thinking in depth…. just writing this, I have caught myself feeling around for another inch that is not perfect, either that or I am just ‘licking my wounds’. I have made myself bleed profusely, blister mouth wide to where I cannot open as wide. I’ve even started to tear up in my eyes just thinking, “Just this last bite, just this little pull to fix it and then I will stop.” I promise myself each time that I will stop after this last rip. It’s gotten to the point that it will not end with just the inside of my mouth but it has expanded to the outside of my lips to where they will bleed. I feel around and taste what I have done. That taste of what I have caused and what is trying to heal. It’s usually a warm, sweet taste. I have caused deep holes in my mouth which took over two weeks to heal because I had to force myself to stop. Just a couple of weeks ago I was thinking, “Wow, I have not bitten myself in a while, that’s really good.” A while to me would be a few weeks… then, it happens.