Alith

I’m giving up. Well actually to say I am giving up is completely the opposite to what I am doing.
I have plans. I want no one else to feel the pain I do, and to do that, I must live. I must change the way the world is. I must change those people who inflict pain upon us.
Things will be better.
I can’t make a difference if I am dead.
And neither can you.

And it hasn’t been a good week in sense of not eating, but it has been a good week for my mind. I have not felt so self-loating, or like i deserve to die. I have been eating, but not much. More than I wanted too and when I think about what I ate I am annoyed. But I did self-harm to make the punishment equal. Eventually I will learn that if I eat, I get a massive scar on my arms.
Part of me doesn’t want this anymore, and yet part of me does. I’m running low on motivation and I don’t know how to get more.
Hope you are all reaching your goals.
xx

I ignored my rules for a few days and ate. I didn’t even make myself sick. I just ate what I wanted and didn’t even consider the consequences. This felt normal. This is not normal. Normal is dizziness, hatred, anger and pain. I didn’t have that for four days and I actually missed it.
Punishment was severe self-harm, an inscription on my arm of “FAT”. This is a reminder to myself that I am fat and I will be perfect when I am slim again.
Get this hideous, disgusting, lazy fat off me.
Ergh.