Almog

I’ve lost all that weight! I look great!
I run over 30 km a week!
My house is a mess, but not a total mess!
My kids are great!
My daughter is healed, following the money, time, effort and willingness to change that I invested!
I’m raising two kids on my own, plus a full-time job, that’s an achievement!
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1. We are a totally different social class now! I’m a Wallis Simpson.
2. Compared to him, I’m such a failure.
3. On the hard times, I tried to be the person to whom he came for support and reassurance. Now… I feel unimportant.
4. A major source of stress for me these days, is money. Now obviously I can’t talk to him about it! What would it sound like? So now I can’t talk to my boyfriend about a major source of stress…
5. Extension of 4, and one of the embarassing ones: before the big money, I could be really nice to him, just because I loved him. And I think I was! Now, when I’m really nice, does it not seem suspicious? Like I’m trying to get something?.. Do you know what I mean?.. and I don’t, I really don’t. But don’t I become an obvious suspect?
Oh, no, that’s impossible, how can a relationship be maintained under these circumstances?!
A part of me knows that this is all nonsense, and that everything is simple. But I can’t get the other parts to shut up.
And I’d like to say that these are all my very own sick ideas, he has done nothing to deserve such unkind thoughts. Shame on me. And I have the nerve to write that I’m nice to him. Double-shame!

...but what was actually done in that bed, I will not detail.
(I’m a mother. Mothers only go to bed to sleep. Mistery solved!)
Now that I got your attention (and no obscure Israely politics in site…)
My boyfriend has sold his start-up. Finally, after years of hard work, stress and sometimes down right suffering. I’m so happy for him!
Now, of course I knew there would be something nice in it for him. But topmost on my mind were these thoughts:
1. Finally he can stop working so hard!
2. And going to so many business trips that he hates and that prevent us from seeing eachother more.
3. How nice it is to see him smile again, after years, and how I wish I would see that more often now.
4. How I will be compensated for the hard times now. So now you know I’m not entirely selfless… I don’t think love can ever or should ever be entirely selfless. But I do really care about his well being.
(I ment things like time, and attention, in this last item, yes?)
But people asked me: how much did he get? and I realised, I didn’t know; not that I would tell them if I knew, but I became curious, and so I asked him, and he told me.
And now this figure is running around in my head, bumping into walls, raising super-confusing thoughts. I can’t even word them, as they are different and contradictory and some of them, embarassing. I will only say that some of them say that everything is great and nothing is changed (except maybe more time and less stress), and others don’t.