I feel like Franz Bibberkopf, without the being a murderer part. In the sense that I’m trying to be good, and everything is falling apart. Could I be making the Franz Bibberkopf mistake? I need to think about it.
So yesterday I went to bed without progress on the habbit-of-the-day (should have been sewing).
Everything is falling apart on me. I already wrote that. Wait.
I wish I could let it all go and just sink into comfortable depression. Except it’s running day. Uh.
One – it does keep my house in a reasonable state.
Two – it keeps my brain from exploding. No matter how bad it is by the end of the day, by the time I’ve gone to bed, several things are certain: the sink is empty and clean, I’ve had my shower, I at least know what’s in my hotspots, and usually – I’m trying to improve on this – I have the things to take with me tomorrow ready where I remember them.
Yesterday was one of the worst days in my life; I went to bed early, did not bother over my weekly plan or anything. But “I went to bed”, which used to mean “I took a shower and went to read a little in bed and then sleep”, now means “I washed the dishes, cleaned the sink, chose my clothes for the morning, took a good look at my hotspots, took a shower and went to read a little in bed before going to sleep”.
The dentist has, it’s almost too terrible even to write it, broke a niddle inside my root canal. Becasue it was too thin. I have a niddle in my root canal now, and if it’s going to make any trouble, they’re going to have to dig it out. I’ve been crying for two hours. This comes from being target-oriented and non-procrastinator. I think I should ga back to my old ways.
Everything was a battle. My daughter woke up already with that complaining tone of voice I can’t stand. Everything was an argument, wew were runnign late, I stressed. Slowly it has intensified into a screaming contest (I win, but not easily). We dropped my son at his preschool, usually he’s happy to stay there, but this morning – with me and daughter screaming all the way in – I wasn’t surprised he didn’t want to stay and cried as we left.
We headed off to my daughter’s preschool, argued some more on the way, calmed down slowly into a miserable silence, and then I drove straight into a very busy junction at red light, not understanding why everyone was driving over me. I almost killed us. I don’t know how that happened. I was driving, didn’t look at the light, it changed and I didn’t stop. I was crying when I dropped her off, saying “Oh no, oh no” without ability to stop. She said goodbye very well, which she sometimes doesn’t, feeling that this time is different. I went outside, phoned my partner bowling, asked him to calm me down, which he did, my sweet love.
I’m waiting to stay alone in the office and I’m going to phone preschool and talk to her, just to tell her I love her.
“Mommy’s sorry she almost killed you”.
It’s dark. The rain has stopped, but it’s wet and very cold. Almost nobody is outside in this weather.
The streets are empty.
Paw-paw-paw-paw-paw-paw-paw-paw, slowly, comes the sound of snickers hitting the wet sidewalk. Who is crazy to run in this hour and weather?
I’m the crazy person. At first I’m cold, but not after the first 1.5k. I’m warm, I’m energized, I’m happy to be right here, right now, by myself, running very very slowly (most people can walk faster than I run).
I love it.
(The only bad thing I can say about running, is that it’s so time-consuming. My 4.5k take at least 35 minutes at my pace, and I aim at 10k).
10 – I sing well. I have a good voice and I took singing lessons as a teenager. I wanted to become an opera singer, but I wasn’t talented enough (besides, it’s not the right career for me). I still have my good singing though.
that beyond a certain point – which is the full hours I have to do – extra time at work does not get me closer to my target. The implications are two-fold: one – no matter how hard I work, I can’t possibly close this deficit at less than 8 months. two – every extra minute at work is a waste of my time, and I’m not going to do it. I spit blood in order to make those hours, I’m not going to spit blood in vain.
My daughter does not argue as much with my partner’s daughter; generally she is in a much better mood and has far less tantrums than before (trying to remember – could it really be only one last week?); my partner and my daughter are getting along better.
She is so ready to love him, but he was so upset about her behaviour. I told him jently (I hope it was jently) that this was a vicious cycle. He didn’t like to be told that, but I have to say he’s been so much better since, and so was she. I love them both so much.
Sunday through Wednesday – reasonable.
Thursday – horrible.
Friday and Saturday – perfect. On Saturday morning he woke up at 6:40, which is great. This morning he started crying a little at 5:40, and woke up a few mintues before 6:00, and continued to sleep a little on the sofa.
I never know what to expect.
Did I say “another appointment”? – I meant “five more”.
And did I say: 8( ?
My kids have grown up so far in chaos and disorder. I could not teach them good habits, because I didn’t have them myself. I admit it, and do I not feel guilty? – yes, I do. But now that we’ve moved, I make a big effort.
Yesterday my daughter (4.5) decided to give me a surprise. She had me “not look” for some twenty minutes, while she, with her baby brother (1y,9m) at her command, were cleaning their room. It actually became cleaner following that effort. I was so moved. I gave them big hugs and let them know that this was the best “surprise” in the world.
I’m still on plan, even though the plan had to be adjusted thanks to some ex-husband. It will have to be adjusted again next week, a slower progress than I expected, but that’s ok. As long as I don’t let two days go by without running, and I keep my minimum (4.5k at the moment, and I will increase it gradually).
I’m afraid to start.
Today I’m going to see the dentist about my bad tooth. Then I will make an appointment to fix it.
I need to go to the optometrist.
Soon I will have to go to dental cleaning too, but I’m still not procsrastinating about it.
My son has to see an eye doctor because he may be miopic.
My son needs to complete his vaccination, I’m a bad, bad mother.
My daughter needs to see a skin doctor. She should see one at least once a year becasue she has a birth mark on her arm. They look at it, say, oh, it’s nothing, don’t bother to do anything about it, come again in a year. I kind of… well… stopped doing that and that’s bad, bad!
My immediate reaction was: “I want! I want!”. But it’s too late this year. I’ll join next year, and I’ll plan ahead to make room for it in my routines.
9. I like it when I set my mind to something, make a plan, and work hard to acheive. That’s why 43t is so right for me, in spite of what I sometimes write on instances of self pitty and border-line depression.
Making progress on my goals has made me feel better. Ok, I’m the worst career woman on the face of earth, but I’m one who’s teaching herself Latin and running 8k, so there!
integrate “hotspot fire prevention” into my routine.
I’m not very good with plots. It’s all up to my writing skills…
lefthand wrote: “unless this is your passion, follow your passion instead” and I can’t agree more.
and I think you’ll be interested to know, that for syllabelization (or what it’s called), the following pairs of consonants count as one:
th, ph, ch (although each sounds like two consonants).
Stop and liquid (?) (pl, cr, the sort).
qu – I’m a little confused about this one, I’ll check again.
X, on the other hand, counts as two consonants when determining the length of the syllable. The following pairs of vowels are diphthongs:
oi (I would have thought they were all sighs in Yiddish, but no)
ui, but only in the following words: huius, cuius, huic, cui, hui. Anyone else visualizes the cartoon: “The adventures of huius, cuius, huic, cui and hui in ancient Rome”?