John

It’s been such a long time that I forgot the feelings of being a happy person, not worrying or giving in to the problems that life had for me, to receiving the support I needed from other 43T members. I asked a longtime friend of mines if I could move in with him and see if I could get a job around his area, but he seemed a little unwilling, since he also still lives with his parents, so it might not work out. The therapy and counseling should have been there for me when I was younger, but due to financial strains and unwillingness from my parents to try and help me through it all, I never did it.

Very tough now, especially with the economy to be able to find a job, which further causes me to grow disillusioned with my own life, that I might never be able to overcome without having any financial means to do them. I have always felt that I haven’t grown as much as I wanted mentally, do the other things that people my age have done, go to college, having their own apartment that they return to each day from work/school, list goes on, ever since I became severely depressed in 2005/2006. Still stuck living at home with my parents, calling different places each day, hoping that I would get phone calls back about a potential job, and when I do happen to find one, it’s either out of my area or that it requires a car, something I do not even have, let alone a driver’s license, and co-signing for one is unlikely an option, as my parents have said they do not want to help me for such expensive things, to being in self anguish each time I need money for things, such as clothes, as that meant I would have to ask my parents for them, and they are filled with having to pay their own bills each month, and god knows where my mother spends her income, buying frivolous things such as more clothes than her closet can support, to perfumes.

I took a chance and decided that going off to college would help my life out, as it is better than living at home, not being able to do anything productive in life, and to take that step further in being able to live on my own, instead of listening to my parents argue how “useless” I am. As usual, there had to be problems, as my stepfather immediately assumed I was asking him to pay for it out of his own pockets, and that where was I going to get the money needed, laying down more guilt trips on me when all I wanted was some information from him about tax forms and whatever else was needed to fill out the fafsa. May have to put that on hold as without an income, all of my efforts just seem fruitless.

Even to this day, I am still conflicted of whether or not I should really be my true self , or keep wearing this mask and be someone I am not. My personality can be considered weird to others, as I am a very unique person, a very open-minded person, such as when people view gay people as a sin , or that they shouldn’t even be allowed to marry each other or fall in love, I view it the total opposite, that they are human beings also, not doing anything hurtful to you, so go shut your mouth and think about your own faults instead of viewing others badly because of their religion, sexuality, or any other frivolous thing. I worry that because of I so unique and an intelligent person also, that I will be put down and not be accepted by others, viewed as weird, creepy, or that I do not fit in.

One part of me knows that it’s meaningless trying to please everybody, so go with the flow and be your own person, forget about trying to make false friends and wearing that mask each day, while the other part of me says that I have to keep wearing this mask, pretending to be or act like something I am not. Another problem stems from the fact that I always had thoughts that I was meant for something greater, that I should have been this person, this personality, be living a certain way instead of being in the rut that I am in now, looking back at old photos and seeing the young me, so carefree, so happy, just living in the moment, so I cannot accept how I am now, as it is not the real me, but another person who was formed during the years I was depressed, had no support, no income to support myself, and the thoughts that people viewed me as a failure, a miscast in life.

Those years I had little growth mentally and financially, no new friends or support, nothing of that, but instead changed into another person, and I wish the person that I should be, a happy, forget who judges you and don’t please everyone person, someone who does not take any crap from nobody, not letting anyone make me feel bad.

It’s been over five months since I posted anything here, got lazy and felt that since I was not growing out of my rut, it was not worthy enough to post anymore topics of my life. Life for me has still been the same, being at home with my parents, with one more month to go until I hit that age of 20, but still feeling like a little kid emotionally. Tonight is the night I will carefully reconsider my own life and focus on getting out of my parents home and start living my life, do the things I love, instead of taking what my mother says of me. She called the cops on me because she could not handle talking back to me like a rational adult, something she always threatens to do whenever she does not have her way, and got told by the cops that I was a very disrespectful person, he would never curse his own mom or talk back ect. I felt very bad when they told me all that, made me feel as if I was a worthless human being, and that I should keep taking my mother’s onslaught of verbal abuse until I can move out. I wanted to really let out what I was thinking at the time, tell them that I am my own person with my own personality, and that if a mother does not treat her own son with the respect that he wants and deserves, she does not get the respect back, and that if I am cursed back, I will return it.

It’s happened a couple times before this, so I was used to having the cops nag on me and tell me to be a good obedient scapegoat for my parents until I move out ect, which I will never accept. All of that abuse as a child and up to my experiences now has lead me to be a bitter person, made me realize that cops do not want to know your situations, they just want to ‘resolve” things quickly as they can, get home, and get paid, not giving much thoughts to the real victim’s situation. Over the course of the years, I was always threatened with being kicked out, as my parents do not accept who I am, what I tell them, should have figured since they are old generation folks, will never change that fact that they view me as a failure, dropping out of school because I was in a deep depression, not going to college, being unemployed, and so much more probably that they view of me.

Bad things happen to good people, phrase describes how my life is.
Not having any income does make it a big obstacle in getting my own place, since the economy is bad right now, but I refuse to give in and think that I should go suicide and end my life. I do not want to go down in life this way, I would rather fight with all my might, change my own life, and depend on myself instead of hoping if others would give me that chance. I have made my mind that the day I move out, I would stop communications with my family, as most of my memories with them are filled with hate, betrayal, and abuse. Not even going to support them when they grow old, just like how they casted away my grandmother to live alone, they too shall reap what they sow, since my mother ruined her credit history, dragging down my stepfather’s credit history also, as he had to repay lenders back from what she owed. I am determined to make it as a stronger person by the end of the year, instead of continuing to live at home while having nothing to look forward too but the verbal abuse from my parents telling me how I am such a failure to them, that I will never amount to anything. She was never truly a mother to me regardless, always at work doing her own stuff, going out to parties and god knows what else for the past 20 years, so from now on, a mother to me no more. My mother is the type of person who does bad things to her own son, thinks that the world revolves around her so her family should obey her like a slave, and believes she has never done anything wrong to me in my life, and will never admit defeat, that she has been a bad mom to me for my entire life, truly defiant till the end, until the day she dies, she will forever be that person.