... but it looks like I’m heading back to Montreal with Jessica when she comes home from Buenos Aires. That won’t be until the first of November, but it’s okay… I can look into what I need to do if I decide to relocate there in the meanwhile. It would be fun to check out some apartments with Jess, and she’ll keep me honest if I start to back out because of nerves.
... and I’m very much not looking forward to it. I would have rather gained my first teaching experience at Aegela’s studio, in a warm, supportive environment… but this should build character because if I can survive the witches at the other studio, I can survive anything.
It didn’t really go that well because it was for a classroom of vipers, but still… I did it. My teacher, who has been dancing professionally in New York, Turkey, etc., and is absolutely beautiful had to miss for a family emergency. I found out the day before and didn’t have time to prepare anything, which was pretty stressful. Also, I have no idea what she’s been teaching in that class, where the students are at, what their interests are, etc. Not the easiest gig for a first-timer actually, considering that even though I’m a ton better than the students in that class, their regular teacher is a ton better than I am. Or more than a ton, so she’s a tough act to follow. Also the studio owner is up to her normal divide and conquer nonsense and trying to create friction and uncertainty everywhere. Anyway, I did it, I’ve committed to filling in for 2 more weeks and teaching an intro class at a women’s retreat. I’d love to teach more at some point, but I’ll be happy when my regular teacher is back from Turkey for now. I want to get a lot more experience under my belt before I teach a regular class.
... in public even. I’ve seen people dance with swords, and while I know that it isn’t authentic, I like the way it looks. I’d really like to buy one, but from practicing with a couple of different borrowed swords, I’ve noticed that there’s a huge difference in the way that they’re balanced (or not). There are some gorgeous swords on the internet, but I might see if I can hold off until the bellydance convention so that I can actually get a feel for it before making the investment.
I thought that I hated canes, but I just finished a class with Aegela, and I have to admit that I had a lot of fun. I’m still more excited about buying a sword than a cane though…
1. Rainy days spent in the library
2. The smell of freshly picked tomatos
3. Kevin and Stacy’s dog Bailey. She’s so bizarre looking that she’s somehow really cute.
4. Walking the horses to and from the pasture – I’m not sure why, but I like it.
5. A good cup of tea with milk and sugar.
It’s just for a 3 week period, while Nadira is in Turkey. I’m really excited, but also scared out of my mind.
... but first I need some work on becoming an amazing dancer. I’ve gotten pretty complacent because I’ve always been one of the better students in my classes. Tanya came to my last class with Nadira though, and she’s been dancing for 10 years compared to my 1. I wasn’t terrible compared to her, but I certainly wasn’t head and shoulders the best. I was maybe a little better on a couple of things and she was clearly better at other things, and that was a little hard. Also, I normally feel good about myself in bellydance class, but Nadira is really long and slender and beautiful and graceful… and Tanya is kind of abnormally scrawny for a bellydancer… so when seeing myself reflected next to them in the studio’s not-yet-mounted mirrors (that are leaning in a way that take 2 feet off of my height and add 4 onto my width), I felt dumpy and dowdy and wanted to cry. I need to tough this out because I’m clearly learning with Nadira, and I want to learn to be brave enough to try things that I’m not immediately perfect at. It’s uncomfortable though.
I’m 5.2 lbs. lighter than my start weight. I have a long way to go, but it feels terrific to be making some progress.
I’ve been here for months, yet my bedroom still looks like I just moved in. Actually, it looks worse than it did when I first moved in. Clearly, waking up to choas every day isn’t the best way to start my morning. I’ve been resisting settling in because I don’t want to stay here for a long time, but the boxes are really getting to me. It will be less work to just repack in a couple of months when I’m ready to move on than it is to rummage through boxes to find what I need all the time. My goal is to mark this complete before August 5 (of THIS year, ideally).
I was the only person that showed up for the intermediate class again, so for the second week in a row, I had a one-on-one class. It’s a little bit uncomfortable, but in a good way… I feel like I’m really learning a lot and refining some of my movements. I still have maybe 100 years of classes ahead of me before I start to look like I know something, but I’m really having fun in the process. Making some progress in my dancing, even though it’s not always easy or comfortable or immediate, is helping me feel more positive about making progress in other areas of my life too.
Three of my coworkers are interested in checking out Level 1 classes on Monday. If they follow through, it will be great. They’re fun to spend time with anyway, and having people to drive with will help out with gas costs too.
I’m trying out a class with a new teacher tomorrow. It seems promising, but I don’t know anything about her teaching style or how she treats her students. It’s also a little strange because she’s replacing my first bellydance instructor at the studio. I feel loyalty to my other teacher, because when I first started, I really needed something relaxed and unintimidating. She provided that, and I’ve developed a good relationship with the women in my class. Lately though, I’ve felt restless because I don’t feel that she’s challenging any of us to be better dancers. We’re in an “intermediate” class, but most of the class make mistakes in technique that other instructors would correct in the first 15 minutes of an introductory class. I’m not sure if she thinks that we’ll be offended if she corrects us, or she just can’t be bothered. Anyway, I’m not feeling like I’m getting anywhere with her classes, but I still don’t want to leave on bad terms. I’m a bit nervous about how she’ll take the fact that I’m continuing classes with the new teacher after she was underhandedly booted out. The studio owner is legitimately a conniving jerk undeserving of loyalty, but in all honesty, my instructor can be too. I’m trying to make myself and what I need to grow as a dancer the priority instead of getting involved in their blood feud, but what a mess. And bellydance is supposed to be my sanctuary from the stresses of daily life :)
I officially signed up, but the girl working seemed less than excited about showing me what I should be doing. I’m going to take a break in the middle of the day on Tuesday, and hopefully, there will be a better employee available to help me get started.
I gained 1.2 lbs. back. This is so aggravating.
I know exactly why I gained it back, but I’m finding it hard to turn to something other than food when I’m stressed/sad/lonely/whatever. Then I feel guilty that I ate something that clearly wasn’t good for me, disgusting because I don’t fit well into my clothes, and disappointed in myself because I’m not doing a very good job at choosing long-term goals over the temporary desire to binge.
I wanted to spend the summer enjoying the beach and feeling confident in summer dresses, and instead I feel so badly about myself that I don’t even want to be in public. It isn’t logical… there are a lot of people that are a lot bigger than me, and of course I don’t think that they should be hiding away in their houses… but I feel that way about myself and I’m not sure how to change it.
I’ve worked a gazillion hours already this week, so I’m leaving early today in order to sign up at the gym. It’s actually on my way to and from work, so I’m hoping that will help me to make it a habit.
... and the amount of clothing that I’m giving away makes me feel pretty ashamed. I don’t go on massive shopping sprees or anything, but even buying an item or 2 at a time, I’ve accumulated a ton of stuff… most of it poor quality, non-flattering stuff in fact. I really need to do a better job of thinking about my spending. If I’d held out for articles of clothing that I really love, I’d feel better about myself and have had more money for savings, paying off debt, and even worthwhile spending, like travel to visit my friends. I’d like to reach a point where I’m using the majority of my money on something that’s actually making my life better, not just adding to the clutter.
My job is seasonal, so I’ll be looking again in the fall, but for right now the scheduling works out pretty well. I didn’t really want to go back to the same agency, but it’s a chance to build up my relationship with staff from other local non-profits (hopefully leading to tips on other job possibilities and references) and to round out my resume a bit.
I just spent over an hour catching up with my friend Caroline! We’re both working bizarre schedules at the moment, but hopefully we’ll be able to get together and go salsa dancing, or out for Indian food or something. I have some really cool friends if I just make the effort to contact them… My living situation isn’t ideal at the moment, but it could be a lot better if I’d start making opportunities to do things with friends in the area.
