he is only 11 and i’m 19, but he is so hard headed and tries to twist my words, bring up the past, and argue everything i say. sometimes i think it would just be easier to ignore him those times and admire him (and show it) the rest of the times.
i wasn’t angry in the way that i yelled at passerby’s on the street, or killed prostitutes during the lonely nights. i was angry with myself, i wasn’t happy, i was angry at the world until i realized a few things. The world does not revolve around me, thus everything is not a conspiracy against me, i can’t change people only myself. the world isn’t some horrible place bent on my inner destruction. nor is my life so hell-ish and unlivable. I have great friends, the relationship with my mother is progressing after a lot of work and inner growth, and i am able to make it mentally and emotionally on my own with just a few friends if nothing comes from my relationship. i know it because i have lived it. being angry is not worth it, life is the longest thing a person can do, why spent it being angry?
i dropped my speech class this semester. i went for a while and figured..forget this! i’m so not on the right road with this
i know longer pretend that i don’t really smoke. and that i really am a full blown smoker. i was in denial, so i’m pass that first step. now i don’t really want to stop smoking. I didn’t have one all day yesterday and today, mostly because i haven’t cashed my check and have no pocket money to go buy some. maybe i should just quit now. i wasn’t planned and i’m already here. but i really reeeeeeeeeeeally want one!
actually i was doing pretty well last semester and completely fucked up this semester. well i still have the rest of my life to mess up or get it right. hopefully sooner than later. long story short..2 steps foward and 3,984 steps back.
the summer is here which will give me an opportunity with this. now i go shopping with friends, i go to museums, roller blading, soon to go bike riding, just simply hang out at a park or in the car. its great! and i will continue doing this all the way through the summer which should be even more fun. i’m also going to go online and look up good places to go and fun things to do. woop woop!
i smile, alot, i laugh, at a lot of things. i feel that people see this and think its alright to criticize me or say stupid comments. basically what i think i need to do is the following; laugh less and when people have there stupid comments to put out there, i’m not saying that i want to yell at them because i’m entirely not that way, i just want to be able to stop laughing, give them a look and say “thats not funny.” let them know that it bothers me. i will really try and keep this present in my mind cause it is starting to bug me a lot. One time i specially remember is when i was in my boyfriends fraternity house last october and his friends started saying how the yankees suck because they are from boston and i’m from new york and i don’t really care so i just laughed it up and went on my way. everytime i passed by them they would start yelling and howling that the yankees suck. its not what they said that bothered me at all but the fact that they continued knowing it was bothering me. afterwards they apologized and brought me flowers, lol. but at the time it was really embarassing (personally and in front of my bf) i still cringe when i think about it. and i have friends that i know this kinda thing will never happen to because they stand up for themselves. mostly cause they don’t sit there and laugh at everything. they stare ppl down! i want to do that! haha, i will try.
You can’t control what people say or think, only the way you react to it. and when things spiral out of control its better to keep a level headedness about it.
its okay though, I don’t mind it so much anymore. i get along with ppl there, get great days off and they don’t notice if i’m gone. but, sometimes i do have to work 11 days in a row, i get sucky pay, mostly because i don’t save it but i am working on that, and its seasonal. i won’t take this off the to do list because this job is only from may through october. i need to find a permanent job as so many ppl graciously point out. and its true.
I have my job and a few checks coming in. I’m trying to save up and i even do it on my 43 things to do so i can take it more seriously and do it more effectively. My friend Leslie and i are planning to get an apartment next summer, it gives us a reasonable and realistic amount of time to save up. I know she is serious about it too, she has two jobs now and is saving as well. I can’t wait. My mom and I are getting along again which is freekin incredible so i know my moving out isn’t based on desperation anymore. Its something that i want to do and am able to do. i will be able to have my quiet times to study, i won’t have a neural implosion everytime i’m running late either to school or home because no one will be there to heat me up. now i’m not saying that those are the only reasons or that it will make me irresponsible, i plan to set my morals and limits and i know i can’t slack off specially if there’s no one around to tell me so. I’ve lived alone once before so i know that it is difficult and i am up to the challenge.
i spent too much money shopping, eating out, going out. i will cut out a few things, i have done enough shopping so when i go into a store i will limit myself to only things i absolutely need. eating out is out of the question, if it was a restaurant or something it wouldn’t be so bad, but its mickey d’s and i blow my money way too easily. going out i will also limit, atleast until that bank account starts swelling up and refilling itself (meaning me) when i spend it. I need to work extra hard on this if i want to survive life.
its tough but i’m almost there. i have a job i just need to be more responsible with my money. I buy my own clothes, pay my own fares, i don’t need financial need my mother anymore other than for a roof over my head. and like i said in other entries i am moving out next summer with my friend leslie and katie. katie is a little iffy but leslie is defenetly up to it. she has to jobs now and is saving up religiously. i’m on that wave lenght to but i am mostly counting on the 3000 dollar check that will be complete buy march from financial aid. hoping that my mother doesn’t snatch it away but i will be firm. and my job is seasonal with a crappy pay but i can save if i put myself up to it which i will! i will add it on 43 things…to save more. oh man, i’m really excited about moving out, it will be a lot easier on my studies and my personal life, my mental state of being.
moving out is my first priority and all my money is going towards that. but i will also try and save for the road test and lessons as well mostly because i cannot let my ticket expire otherwise i will have to sit threw that damn movie again. but actually “buying a car” will probably have to wait till late 2007 to mid 2008 when i get my other checks for financial aid and my apartment is stable.
i’m not giving up on it so much as i don’t want to nor do i need to do this anymore. and thats alright.
I’m in a good school right now and i enjoy it there. I’m doing well. I’m planning to move out next summer and financially i will be able to. the reason more than anything why i wanted to transfer to albany was to get away from it all, mostly my mother. but i don’t have to run so far to do it. and for now we are getting along, really really this time. i found out how to it is that we would get a long and i gave it a go and so did she. now i don’t have that burning desire to fly away. but i defenetly want to move out. thats something to add.
today i had to talk to my class about some thing or other and i was soooo damn nercous and shaking and my voice was trembling. I wish i wouldn’t get like that because nothing i want to say comes out when im it that stage of nervousness. And i do want to say a lot. I’m kind of okay when i just have to stand and read from a paper. but when i just have to come up with something or remember something and look just at the audience i become fidgity and crazy nervous, it kinda sucks!
i’m procrastinating right now. i have 50 pgs to read by monday a paper and questions to answer.
i dont know if i am, i have a bf now and i am totally closed up because i dont want him to hurt me as much as my ex did. though im pretty sure thats impossible. i know i still love my ex but i am defenetly in the process of getting over him, its been 3months and it doesnt hurt all the time anymore. only when i really think about it, but this happens to everyone and the best thing to do is really try hard to move on. I know i will COMPLETELY get over him, all it takes is time. and my new boyfriend is being so good to me, so sweet, treating me like a princess and looking after my needs, he is treating me as i should be treated and that makes me happy. he cares enough to fight for me, at least for now.
