Amble

On one hand, I can say I have far and away accomplished this goal. At the same time, it’s an ongoing process that I’d like to continue throughout my life.

I consider myself incredibly lucky. The people I know, the people I count as friends, the people that have touched my life briefly before moving on, are amazing. The are strange, fascinating, unique, varied, and so very human. They’ve made my life so far a wonderful existence and I am so happy to have them in my life and share memories with them.

I treasure the moments as well when I meet someone in passing. It may have only been for a day or a minute before we parted ways and will probably never see each other again. I’ll remember those people, also. I’ve met many of these people while traveling. I’ve found trains are a great place. Everyone on board is there for a different reason and has a different story, and most seem rather open to telling their story. Honestly, nowhere is really exempt from possibilities if you’re ready.

I suppose the best I have to offer is to just get out there in the world. Go places, do things, be open. Even if you are just going to the grocery store. You never know who might need to pick something up, as well.

I want to wish everyone good luck, and I’ll be continuing on my own path.

I recently fell into a flurry of sewing. At least, a flurry for me considering it’s been a good year or so since my last attempt. I finished a skirt that I had started a year or two ago and left half completed, after I rediscovered it buried in my closet at my parents’ home. Then, I took all my fabrics with me and created another skirt, entirely hand sewn. That skirt took me about two and a half days.

I’ve fallen a bit away from sewing over the past couple weeks, but I have everything I need at my fingertips. Currently, I have a shirt in progress. I could not find a pattern I really liked within my budget of ‘free,’ so I decided to take a chance and use an existing shirt to make my own pattern. Probably not the best method for an amateur. It is full of mistakes and goodness knows if it will be wearable when I’m finished without making me look like a fool, but it has definitely been a great learning experience.

So I suppose I am on my way.

Why did I ever think I could plan out my life? Why did I ever believe I could say to myself, “This is what I plan to do at this point, and these are the ideas I am going to follow?”

I am a very “go with the flow” kind of person. I tend to make major decisions on a whim, without an exceedingly large amount of thought, so very suddenly. Once I have made a decision, I will ‘plan’ what happens next in terms of methodical and detailed organization. I will make sure I know how I am arriving at my destination, where I am staying, how much money I need, or whatever things are important to know. But to make the decision is always so scattered.

Many of the things I’ve done in life have been myself saying, “Oh that might be nice if I could, but it probably won’t happen.” Then on a whim, I make it so half on accident. If I get an application in on time, I go. Whichever person or place says yes, I go. Decision made in a couple weeks after having never considered the option before that day, even if I’d been planning something else for a year.

Now I ask myself, in a time of great change where I can go anywhere, “What now?” I’ve had a loose plan. A set of ideals for myself. I would do this, and never that.

Naturally, every single part of my plan fell apart, and a great big ‘that’ dropped itself in my lap. I consider my current situation to be one of the largest turning points in my life. Whatever direction I choose will change my life forever. My plan and my ideals have been something I’ve thought about for years. My entire life. But now…now, as plans fall apart and other reckless options present themselves, I feel so very close to betraying all of those plans and ideals that I felt were a core to who I am. Clearly, I do not know myself well enough, or I have been living in denial. Perhaps I just haven’t had any other perspective so my ideals always seemed good at the time.

The pain and fear at betraying myself is nearly too great to stand.

But I fear that the pain I could face if I stick to my plan may be so much worse.

I am bouncing back and forth on this issue. This great turning point. Perhaps it is a matter of the head verses the heart. Right now passion seems better than logic. I want to be reckless. To make a potentially incredibly stupid decision. I thank goodness that my plans have continuously fallen through or else I would have never experienced this fantastic, horrible divide within myself.

There is nothing wrong with changing plans. With making a decision last minute. It is how I’ve lived my life. I am glad for how I have lived so far. I don’t want to break that momentum, even if it does go against everything I’ve stood for in the past.

I want to live and I want to love. Are they not the same thing?

My heart is winning. I want to embrace this moment, wherever it may take me. For however long it may last. So much uncertainty. So much fear. It’s dreadfully exciting.