Atrabilious

I really, by the time I start school, want to make it /1 week/ b/p free. A modest goal (to say the least), but I’m still managing to fail at it.

I was actually doing kind of well. In my math class, there’s this kid, who eats junk pretty much all day and is as thin as a rail. So, seeing him is kind of making me feel a little less paranoid about every nut or piece of bread adding to my stomach. And, of course, with math 7 hours a day, at least that is 7 hours I know I absolutely can’t b/p. I had made it, a few days or more, without obsessing over food.

But then, as is my life, sh*t happens. My father is in the hospital, seriously ill. But the really f-ed up part? He had refused treatment for over a week, despite his whole family begging him—for this injury that could now end up taking his life. I just don’t get it, to say the least.

I just can’t deal with it. I probably do need some more “coping skills” because immediately when my mother left me alone, I b/ped.

Tomorrow (I guess, “today” more aptly) is a new day. Another clean start.

I don’t do it so often. Like, instead of two or three times a day, maybe once on a bad day. But today I did slip, and paid hell for it with my stomach the whole day, ugh. It finally stopped hurting, though…

During the summer I am nocturnal. That is, I fall asleep when the sun rises, and wake up around noonish (or rather, am forcibly woken up by my parents). Even though I can’t go out, as a minor, at 3AM I still prefer the night the best. I am most energetic at night and, well, I hate sunlight. I don’t mind the heat so much but my eyes are so sensitive! And I burn easily too. Never tan. Just burn and then return to a sickly pale.

In the school year, I usually stay up till 12 or 1 or so, sometimes 2, then wake up at 5 to get ready. But I nap in the afternoon.

When I grow up, I will probably be fully nocturnal.