I'm doing 31 things
I was thinking about this today. The raw spot that is so exposed when you really open to someone. I guess I am not very brave but to allow someone to “connect” with that place and with the real you looks hard. Even the people like my parents and a few others who really know me never really get close to me I don’t think.
I guess a shrink would say that I have trust issues. Maybe. But perhaps the real answer is I just am not human(Symbolically, not literally). Maybe there is something in me that is missing. Maybe I just am not brave enough.
Afterall I have met so many broken lost people. Beat up and screwed up over and over. Yet still they go on to the tomorrow. A little bitter yes, but they still have a capacity to be open, at least I think they do.
I think it is interesting I have such trouble with this openness because nothing bad has ever really happened to me.
Great now Frued or someone would say I am repressing(afterall everyone has bad things happen to them). Anyway nothing that bad like genocide ever happened to me.
Another funny thing is that I will be so open with such personal things, share my feelings, and be genuine with all kind s of people. However, when it comes to maintaining a connection when that raw spot is touched I shut down and run away.
I will do anything to leave.
I can’t be near that spot, that type of spirtual weakness.
Just thinking about it makes my stomach hurt.
My new work is to stay with that feeling next time and to not run away.
I am kind of scared.
AuroraSmith's Life List
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1. Remember why I am alive
1 entry . 6 cheers1 person -
2. be a good daughter, by being respectful and strong
1 entry . 5 cheers1 person -
3. really listen to the world and everyone here
2 entries . 1 cheer2 people -
4. Keep life from making me bitter
7 cheers1 person -
5. stop being afraid to jog late at night
3 cheers1 person -
6. be a good sister
1 cheer117 people -
7. work on not competing with others
2 cheers1 person -
8. not be afraid of people and connections with them
1 entry . 1 cheer1 person -
9. be happy(really happy) when others succeed in doing what I failed at doing
3 cheers2 people -
10. recognize my life might end unhappily
1 person -
11. learn to laugh and be happy
2 cheers1 person -
12. be honest about my feelings and desires in the real world not just on a virtual list
2 cheers1 person -
13. work harder at everything I do
1 cheer3 people -
14. Write One Amnesty International letter a week
2 cheers1 person -
15. Feel any depression fully, be with it, and to not hide from it
1 cheer1 person -
16. Stop being afraid of being laughed at, be glad someone's happier at least
1 cheer1 person -
17. figure out a way to live without driving
3 cheers1 person -
18. find a small truth and live it
2 cheers1 person -
19. be a true vegan
2 cheers1 person -
20. Determine how people can believe in war as a solution to the world's problems
1 person -
21. stop wasting my time and help someone
1 person -
22. be ugly and okay with that
1 cheer1 person -
23. learn not just memorize in school
3 cheers1 person -
24. get up a 5:30AM twice a week
1 person -
25. learn to install solor panels
1 cheer1 person -
26. Decide on a major by the end of March
1 entry . 2 cheers1 person -
27. Stop being such a know it all understand that I must be humble
1 entry . 1 cheer1 person -
29. Get a job and give away my whole first paycheck to random people who are kind
2 cheers1 person -
30. pray(even though I am an atheist) that the world leaders stop killing and making money and start creating justice and peace.
1 cheer1 person -
31. Be strong
2 cheers213 people
I know I should be able to listen better. After all listening is just the other side of talking. It is funny how difficult clear communication with others is for me or with myself for that matter. I think perhaps if I had a clear idea of what I am about and clear boundries in myself then I would be able to listen better. Maybe one of the troubles about listening for me is that I don’t know what I am and so instead of being able to be in someone elses place for just a minute and then retreat back to my point of view I get all lost. Maybe being lost in other perspectives scares me, maybe the potential for the anililation of my individuality scares me. Afterall, without my opinions, and beliefs I am just a robot of a broken society, with no future or past. If I listen maybe the answers scare me. They might hurt me.
That is crazy though, how could an idea hurt me? In reality ideas and thoughts aren’t even real are they?
now I am not religious but the world/god/me keeps telling me to stop being such a obnoxious know it all who thinks I have something to say. I always forget to be humble and then I fall apart because I think i am worth more than I am. It would save me a lot of trouble just to always be humble instead of having to fall down and climb back up into my know it allness only to be broken and beautiful and humble again tomorrow.
