AyaanWang

Plan on attending the 2010 London Olympic and spending at least an additional month traveling around Europe.

1998-present—-but much traveling within desired. e.g. Must spend a week in the Great Canyons.

birth to 1998—-complete

I am not sure why, but I cannot get Seattle off my mind. My nagging feeling began in 2004, upon graduating from college. I actually visited Seattle in March of that year, began looking for an apartment and a job; then decided to move to San Diego three weeks before I was to move to Seattle. I loved San Diego, but deep inside I felt I was supposed to be in Seattle. I only stayed in San Diego for two years, Then moved to New Orleans and began graduate school. I will be finishing school next May…so here I am again, at cross-roads. The question is—should I move back to San Diego or to Seattle??? Dear Universe, give me a sign. I have to decide this summer in order to begin bar application.

First deliverable- align subconscious with the conscious self. Also, read on the two components of the secret project.

All things considered, I should be the happiest person on earth. I survived more than I could ever wish on my worst enemy (and only at 26). However, where one door closed, the universe opened a wider one. I survived (with minimal scaring, may add) abandonment at birth, a fall from high-rise that killed two others, being at the mercy of strangers, a civil war, near starvation hunger, physical and mental abuse, serious car collision with a semi-truck, etc. But before I drown you in my sorrow, let me say that most of my life has been a blessing after a blessing. God darn miracle, if you will.

I made it to U.S. in 1998 (completely by luck, where others spend thousands of dollars and often fail). I did not speak a word of English upon arrival. Could not even read or write. Yet in the last ten years, I graduated near the top of my high school, college, and I will soon obtain a law and a master degree from a top tier school.

I also came far from within. One night when I was 12, I got on my knees and wished for freedom (both spiritually and physically). You see, I was raised a strict Muslim— and in Islam, there are no gray areas. If we questioned the teachings of the Quran, we were beaten and told that hell awaited our soul (literally). My Quran teacher used to say that I possessed by the devil. His cleansing remedy was to make me sit on a corner and recite a Sura from the Quran all day. All because I said Allah was not a “giver.” If he was, I asked, why could he not make my parents love me?. Worse yet, why has he allowed evil to thrive. My learned teacher never gave me answers and I stopped asking questions. Of course, I still secretly despised God. I found him terribly lacking and certainly incompetent when it came to the affairs of running an orderly earth. I dreaded praying to him. Still, every now and then, I would get on my knees and beg for mercy.

So how am I doing with God these days? I am happy to report that I am at peace with the universe. For starters, everything I prayed for eventually showed up. I do not believe in any particular God. Instead, I find god in everything now. In people, animals, trees, mountains, even in clouds sometimes. I stopped blaming god, and realize bad things happened because of people not some almighty higher power. I realized that god is within all of us (not a separate entity). If life is chaotic or painful, it is because we made it that way. I feel so empowered.

So what is the problem, you might be wondering. Hmm, I don’t know really. After all this, I have not yet stopped to rest. I have not enjoyed life at all. Never been in love, even though few men have expressed sincere love for me. In fact, all I have done successfully is run. I consciously made every achievement only a gateway for a higher goal. As a result, I am never at peace. Always worried.

My biggest barrier is loosing up. By nature, I think three times before committing to anything. As a result I unconsciously sabotage any attachments. Despite the fact that I now believe the key to my happiness is belonging somewhere. I never belonged to anyone in life. Not to a family. Not to a man. I cannot changed the first. But the later is all my own doing. OOOHAAAAAAA it feels so good to write all this down.