I’ve put this off forever .. life has a way of getting in the way. Well, I guess other things took priority.
This weekend hopefully a friend will come over to help me install my cabinet handles .. finally!
Now we just have trim, painting finishing, bottom toe-stop, microwave install, and lights on the outside and inside and we’re done.
But one thing at a time. :)
and the rocket arugula is going nutso. Tomato seedlings and basil are coming up. Have yet to see eggplant and bell peppers though. It’s exciting to watch.
This weekend it might be nice to clear a plot, create some walls using our old wood, and dump the compost and potting soil in. The arugula and lettuce would be quite happy against the wall, as well as snap peas.
91. that she goes to lengths to remind me I’m sexy
92. that she’s actively working to improve our relationship
93. that she checks in with me almost every day
94. that she remembers things important to me, when I forget, and doesn’t judge or admonish me for it
95. that she’s growing by leaps and bounds, and humble and transparent
96. that she gives me 100% confidence in our relationship, and in her certainty of us
97. that she tells me I can tell her no, and that it’s ok
98. that she understands I sometimes need space, and doesn’t seem to resent me for it
99. that she holds me up when I feel weak
100. That she loves me
I think I’m finally actually, really open to the possibility.
It’s a different kind of “falling in love” than when I was younger. It’s calm, warm, comforting, blossoming, surging, still kind of love. It’s not anxious, frenetic, mind-blowing, obsessive.
I’ve met someone whom I could see myself falling in love with. And more importantly, I finally believe that someone could really fall in love with me.
get to the point where I can’t allow myself even one drink, because it would lead to things more disastrous.
I want to maintain a healthy relationship with alcohol.
I want to stop seeing it as the portal to a truly liberating, edgy fun time.
Yesterday I had a drink right before my evening work, and of course it made me sluggish and unwilling to work very hard. Part of me knew in that moment that I would probably go down the path of dull and tired, but I did it anyway. I ignored that voice.
Uggh. I want to find a way to listen to that voice better. Or figure out what voice compells me to drink, and how can I give that voice a different job?
Help!
to help me get up in the morning, esp. during the really tough mornings. I think of as many things, no matter how dorky, that I’m grateful for: my comforter, my pillow, my warm bed, my fuzzy socks, my dog, that I can feed her everyday, that I walked her yesterday, that I’m slowly gaining the confidence and strength to embrace daily routines like walking her almost daily.
By the time I get to number 14, I’ve usually hit some things that are deeper.
And I start to feel something almost like joy. Almost like feeling carefree, taken care of, supported.
And it’s helping. Slowly.
21. meditate on a regular basis
22. watch the city from atop a double-decker bus
23. listen to people talk in public with my eyes closed and imagine what they look like
24. make sure all my lunches contain complimentary colors
25. keep talking out loud to my dog in her language
26. mouse with my left hand
27. keep writing down cool quotes I hear throughout the day
28. dance as often as possible
29. eat in complete darkness
30. keep a smelling diary
81. that she’s not perfect
82. that she loves what she does
83. that she’s really connected with her mentor friend
84. that she finds herself thinking about me
85. that she’s got a healthy body image
86. that she includes people and is sensitive to group dynamics
87. that she offers to pay for things when she doesn’t have to
88. that she likes to drive me around
89. that I can indulge in feeling taken care of in her presence, if only for a little while
90. that she’s always responsive to my affection
in an evening of sustained intimacy. Could have withdrawn when felt insecure. Could have made excuses to stop. Instead, kept listening to myself and encouraged myself to go for what I really wanted to share.
Now I’m sitting down to do real work and intend to stay focused on this goal for the next 3 hours.
71. her laid-back but reliability
72. her empathy and strong sense of boundaries
73. her memory
74. her tenderness towards my dog
75. her appreciation of my music
76. her dedication to her family, and brother especially
77. her way of smoothing back my hair
78. her comfortability with silence
79. her ease with being in her own skin
80. her considerateness
61. her glamorous face that needs no makeup
62. her work ethic
63. her standards of excellence
64. her soothing hands
65. her lack of pretense
66. her intelligence
67. her ability to soak up learning from those around her
68. her nurturing nature
69. her hunger
70. her wariness
I think that’s a sign. And she doesn’t usually. I need to be giving her more consistent attention. It feels so difficult taking out an hour a day to walk her, but she really deserves it. And so do I, come to think of it.
What’s hard is understanding this as a priority in the middle of a new relationship. It’s way too easy to deprioritize her in order to spend more time with my new friend, but she’s really one of the most important relationships in my life right now.
I should honor that on a daily (or at least as daily as possible) basis.
I think the trick is to assuage my own fears, to tell myself I’m whole, or sexy, or loveable IN THE MOMENT of intimacy with someone, as SOON AS THE FEARs HIT.
Early, often, directly, and soon.
This way, once the insecurity monster starts raising his ugly head (as he inevitably does when I start really getting into someone), I can fend him off at the pass.
...with my new special friend over lattes and almond croissants this morning. We only had a few minutes, so we got it to go and spent a luxurious 10 minutes sitting and sipping and savoring our time together .. then zipped off to our respective work environs.
11. talking with little Z as often as I possibly can.
12. listening to her as often as I possibly can.
13. get away from the computer more often
14. go barefoot
15. chase my dog
16. play with the neighbor girls
17. be silly
18. walk backwards
19. sing made-up songs
20. be upside-down
1. listening to podcasts of interesting music (i.e. KCRW’s Morning Becomes Eclectic)
2. playing music with other people
3. reading erotica
4. cooking for someone
5. making up stories about people in the cashier line
6. wearing fuzzy, colorful socks that make me laugh
7. updating my ideas wall by mixing images and words that weren’t originally together
8. clearing the clutter
9. creating anything with friends
10. speaking in a different language
landlord.com credit check
utilities bills
trff invoice and reimbursement
3 hrs of transcribing
.. and boy is it liberating, but hard.
My relationship with this incredible person is at a very vulnerable stage .. much like a small little sprout that needs careful watering, tending, tending tending.But learning to be okay with calling this a “seeing each other” thing, and not trying to jump to the “serious committed relationship” place is a tad of a struggle.
It’s about keeping my own insecurities in check.
Also, being okay with my sister being both strong, and weak—at the same time. With her being grown up and wise, as well as naive in some ways and still learning. And then, ultimately with her being strong, and me also being strong. We are not opposites. We are our own persons.
And my friend, drinking-buddy-cum-good-friend who supports me but has really poor listening skills. She’s a good person, with a good generous heart, but is also a person with her own insecurities, who has poor listening skills. She values and cares for me as a friend, but also doesn’t demonstrate curiosity or care for me in the ways I’m used to valuing. And I can be okay with her being successful and strong, and I can also be successful and strong. This is not a competition. We can both be successful, and learning to be better at things we’re not great at, and be supportive … in our own ways.
And my old former friend, who I fired in a way, who probably does care about me in some way, but has some deep inner challenges that prevent her from treating me respectfully. I don’t need to keep this relationship in my life no matter how she feels. Harsh, but after 14 years and too many betrayals, I can’t let such toxicity enter my life again. We were good friends, and now we’re not. We can both be good friends, just not to each other right now. We can both be good people, but on separate paths.
right now.
Thanks all for the inspiration!
I need to ask her for her attention when I need it. She’s a good person, with a good heart, and just poor listening and social skills. And some deep-seated insecurities. (and who on the planet doesn’t, or hasn’t at one point or another?)
This is me practicing:
“Can I finish telling my story?”
“I’d really like to share what’s going on with me.”
“Can I have your attention on this?”
“So guess what I’m really excited about..”
“Could you not interrupt me? It really makes me think you don’t care what I have to say, or what’s going on with me. And it kinda hurts. Actually, it just hurts. Period.”
I think sometimes she’s just carelessly clueless. Nonintentional, totally. Maybe a little awkward and insecure and feeling like she has to fill in the space if I don’t.
And I’d rather wait till I have something good to say rather than fill the space with just anything.
