Back2beingsexy

I’ve Had this goal for a Month now (in my head) And I finally raised enough money to get into classes. I had my first class last night, 4 hour class. I had some hands on experience…But most of the other stuff you can learn on your tube. One thing about me is I do my research.I am trying to familiarize myself as much as possible with drink recipes, the lingo, and tips n tricks… and hoping it sticks ;-) The Next class is tonight and I’m excited.

I decided to become a bartender as it is a means to an end for me, most of my family and some friends may not agree with my choices. But Hell, I Am Doing THis For ME.

im breaking down again. I’ve been overwhelmed with guilt.
Alex had a pre existing condition. Feline urinary track disorder.
He required a special diet
I had lost my apartment so He stayed with my mother
and at the same dry food his sister ate.
from me for that long. I was also going though my break up at the same time….I was so consumed in my own problems, i was depressed.

when I came to see him, i felt bad because he’d never been separated for that long. I knew I had neglected him. I brought him some new toys from petco…and he was so happy….so excited. he always was a furball of energy.

Late that night, I noticed some strange behavior. He seemed to be struggling to use the the bathroom. It was too late to take him to the vet so I said I would take him in the morning. In the morning He was howling, he sounded like he was in sooo much pain.

I called out normal vet but he was on vacation. The woman on the phone made a suggestion...for me to try to apply pressure to his blatter to make him go.....that was horrible advice. How much worse that made it, to hear him howl...and still nothing. I told him i was soo sorry over and over.  I just wanted his pain to go away.

I was alone. I took him to another the vet but I couldn't afford the visit. I paniced & took him back home. to find another place to treat him. he just played down near his food bowl like he was giving up and I paniced again. I got though to the vet and rushed him him in to his carrier saying everything will be ok.

I took him to the humane society where the vet scolded me
saying that I should have been strict with his diet and implied that I wasn’t a good owner
they said they would put a catherder in his blatter to get him to pee…that he way have some scaring but he’d recover. they said it would take 20 min…..45 mins went by….

I saw the look on the vet face as he called me in….I saw alex. sedated lying on the table. He did not look well. my heart raced. the vet said the catherader tore his urethra and he suggested euthanasia. I when compleartly numb. I felt like I was dreaming I disassociated completely I couldnt speak.

there was a sugary that was $5000 but even still he would still suffer for the rest of his life. I didn’t want my love to suffer.

It all happened so fast

the vet said he would give me a few mins since I was completely unresponsive. I stepped outside and it his me like a truck. I collapsed.

I finally went back in the vet urged me to just say OK
and I finally said OK. I didn’t want to be in the room.
I just told him I loved him over and over. and I kissed him on his head for the last time.

The guilt still eats my soul. It Still feel like it was yesterday. and I still blame myself.

I miss him so much. I can never forgive myself.

FAILED. Nerves have been on edge. took a melatonin and still went to bed at 3:00am. No more naps!