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Is Smiling In The Rain



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become a bartender
Taking Classes

I’ve Had this goal for a Month now (in my head) And I finally raised enough money to get into classes. I had my first class last night, 4 hour class. I had some hands on experience…But most of the other stuff you can learn on your tube. One thing about me is I do my research.I am trying to familiarize myself as much as possible with drink recipes, the lingo, and tips n tricks… and hoping it sticks ;-) The Next class is tonight and I’m excited.

I decided to become a bartender as it is a means to an end for me, most of my family and some friends may not agree with my choices. But Hell, I Am Doing THis For ME.



get over the death of my cat (read all 2 entries…)
Overwhelmed with guilt

im breaking down again. I’ve been overwhelmed with guilt.
Alex had a pre existing condition. Feline urinary track disorder.
He required a special diet
I had lost my apartment so He stayed with my mother
and at the same dry food his sister ate.
from me for that long. I was also going though my break up at the same time….I was so consumed in my own problems, i was depressed.

when I came to see him, i felt bad because he’d never been separated for that long. I knew I had neglected him. I brought him some new toys from petco…and he was so happy….so excited. he always was a furball of energy.

Late that night, I noticed some strange behavior. He seemed to be struggling to use the the bathroom. It was too late to take him to the vet so I said I would take him in the morning. In the morning He was howling, he sounded like he was in sooo much pain.

I called out normal vet but he was on vacation. The woman on the phone made a suggestion...for me to try to apply pressure to his blatter to make him go.....that was horrible advice. How much worse that made it, to hear him howl...and still nothing. I told him i was soo sorry over and over.  I just wanted his pain to go away.
I was alone. I took him to another the vet but I couldn't afford the visit. I paniced & took him back home. to find another place to treat him. he just played down near his food bowl like he was giving up and I paniced again. I got though to the vet and rushed him him in to his carrier saying everything will be ok.

I took him to the humane society where the vet scolded me
saying that I should have been strict with his diet and implied that I wasn’t a good owner
they said they would put a catherder in his blatter to get him to pee…that he way have some scaring but he’d recover. they said it would take 20 min…..45 mins went by….

I saw the look on the vet face as he called me in….I saw alex. sedated lying on the table. He did not look well. my heart raced. the vet said the catherader tore his urethra and he suggested euthanasia. I when compleartly numb. I felt like I was dreaming I disassociated completely I couldnt speak.

there was a sugary that was $5000 but even still he would still suffer for the rest of his life. I didn’t want my love to suffer.

It all happened so fast

the vet said he would give me a few mins since I was completely unresponsive. I stepped outside and it his me like a truck. I collapsed.

I finally went back in the vet urged me to just say OK
and I finally said OK. I didn’t want to be in the room.
I just told him I loved him over and over. and I kissed him on his head for the last time.

The guilt still eats my soul. It Still feel like it was yesterday. and I still blame myself.

I miss him so much. I can never forgive myself.



Early to bed, Early to rise (read all 2 entries…)
EH

FAILED. Nerves have been on edge. took a melatonin and still went to bed at 3:00am. No more naps!



Daily: Reflect on 5 things for which I'm grateful. (read all 6 entries…)
2/22/2010

1. For Finding $10 in an envelope last night while I was cleaning =)
2. For my Dads foolishness that keeps me laughing
3. For waking up today at 7:10 am
4. For the Beatles!
5. My face looking much healthier and clearer than it did yesterday!



Early to bed, Early to rise (read all 2 entries…)
Yay

Being awake at 7:00 am never felt better.
I feel much more relaxed, and ready to “Seize the day”

I feel as sleep at around 2:30 am ( I did take a hour and a half Sunday afternoon nap!)

Reading before bed really does help! after I few chapters I listened to my Ipod for a bit, and did some slow deep belly breathing…then drifted off to a peaceful slumber.



get over the death of my cat (read all 2 entries…)
This Is Very hard.

Its been 1 year and 1 month since my cat Alex passed away.

Has it really been this long? how have a managed to survive is beyond me…

Alex was my everything. I had him since I was 16 and He was my best friend, at times my only friend. The connection I felt to him was on a level of family, like my son. I talked to him, slept with him.
He was my saving grace. He always put a smile upon my face.
his spirit was so warm…He never hissed a day in his life.
he was the sweetest gift god could have ever given me.

I go numb when I think about this. I suppress it becasue of how much it hurts. It difficult to talk about or write about. Even now, I am having trouble writing this entry.

I never feel like people understand.

To lose such a great love, suddenly…
(during an already difficult time. its like I was losing everything I cared for most. ie break up- My ex who was there since I first got him. )
Now My Alex is gone? My baby-
Just like that?? I wondered if this was a horrible dream.
I had no support. I did not know how to handle this or deal and I still do not.

I miss him dearly. I long to see him again maybe in another life?
Oh. how it hurts so….



GO TO FASHION WEEK
Must Get in!

I’ve never really tired to get into the tents at fashion week. I have always wanted to, but have never actually made an attempt to do so. This year I was hoping to get an “in”, but I have never been in the area or walked by During fashion week.

Being a model of course it is my dream to walk in a show during fashion week. the front door is not always the only way in.
I’m sure if I put my efforts towards it, I can get in.

Its an experience I need, and can no longer live without.
I will be attending the next one!!!



Control my mood swings
Untitled

I’m working on it but geeze sometimes my emotions just get so out of control! Its really hard for me to control my emotions when i’m angry a just feel a wave rush over me i feel hot and i could just explode….when i get upset in anyway i just feel myself go though the roof. and I cry and shake and just feel like i have no control over myself. I wish i could just turn it off.

Especially around “that time” i’m like a bitch on wheels. any little thing can send me completely flying off the handle bars. and i really do go over bored…scary…I really need to get this in check



quit smoking cigarettes (read all 4 entries…)
Ok time to get serious...

I’ve gotten more serious about quitting. I though quitting cold turkey would never work for me…but its all about will power. Its about Really wanting to quit. when I first stopped i whined myself down…I’ve brought the gum and have significantly reduced my amount i was smoking to just 1 a day….If i can just have 1 a day couldn’t i go without any?

So, I decided that I really do want to quit. I told my self, no, i don’t “need” it and I finally was able to make it past 3 days ( i would always lose it on the 3rd day, the hardest day! )
I went an entire week without a cigarette!

The hard part was being around friends who smoke…so now i’m a social smoker? I just have maybe 1 or 2 (or a few) if i go out with friends who smoke or if i have a drink I’m like a manic looking for one. but i have not brought a pack in 3 weeks. I have made progress But i would like to kick the habit for good!



quit smoking cigarettes (read all 4 entries…)
Wow...so this is as hard as they say huh?

Ok, So want to quit…but maybe I’m not trying hard enough.
as of recent, things in my life have become (believe it or not) even more stressful.its been becoming increasingly more difficult for me to quit…I’m back up for about 4 a day sometimes more.

I’m trying to find a way to cope with life when it gets stressful, without smoking cigarettes…..and its has not been easy.

For the past month, I’ll say “this is my last pack…when this is done that’s it!”
(there is no way I’m flush a pack that cost $9.00!)

But i don’t get very far in the day without feeling like I am about to lose it if i don’t get one…



break up (read all 2 entries…)
Question to self

Yes its been rough…but do I really want to break up?



Daily: Reflect on 5 things for which I'm grateful. (read all 6 entries…)
9.11.08 (late post)

1. I went to work, even though i was planing on staying home.

2.I had a better day than yesterday at work, I was confident and I was positive and it paid off. ( i’m doing promo modeling/sales/commission)

3. I made a new friend Pamela, I met her at work today. We hung out after window shopping…but I had fun and i could see up hanging out again!

4.I ate pizza from a place i haven’t eating from since i moved

5.people did not force me or my boyfriend to watch footage on the news about 9/11…My boyfriend seemed to deal with it better this year…..



break up (read all 2 entries…)
7 years...of my love

and I’m only 19. Yes i’ve been dating my boyfriend since I was 12.(Got more serious over time + I was mature for my age)
We have had ups and down of teen years….but I am a woman now and he is not a Man. He’s still a boy finding his way. and I can’t wait forever.
I can’t keep hoping that one day he’ll be the man i’ve always hoped for.

Yeah he can make me laugh, and he truly knows me better that anyone in my life….like a best friend i could never let go of. But he has no job, no solid plan and I live in the real world.

I’ve thought about it….but I just don’t know how to let go of someone I’ve know for this long. and Love no doubt. but thinking about my long term happiness i know I’ll hate him if he doesn’t become what i want…and i don’t want to force him to change. I want him to want it.

I just can’t do it anymore…...........



Daily: Reflect on 5 things for which I'm grateful. (read all 6 entries…)
9/10/08

1. I woke up today, happy about that
2. Made it to my first day of my new p/t job
3.I did not quit when i felt discouraged
4. i still have i working computer for the moment
5 My lights are still on



learn how to cook
I do not cook nor know how BUT

I’m 19 Just moved about about 5 months ago and I learned I need to learn how to cook. My boyfriend, Yeah he’s a GREAT cook… But I have to learn myself. Its too expense to order food all the time

Ok, So yesterday I looked at the left over ground beef
(My BF made taco’s the night before.)
and I look at my George foreman grill and i decide to make burgers!

I made 2 that come out pretty good
so that’s what i ate again today, LOL.
But today, i seasoned them differently… and they came out even better! It was awesome

So I will be trying so more things soon, and seeing how they come out. But this is my first time really attempting to cook GOOD tasting for myself.



feel sexy
Sexy is back!

I am sexy, and now feel it too…

and it feels great



Daily: Reflect on 5 things for which I'm grateful. (read all 6 entries…)
Friday Sept. 5th

1.Good nights rest

2.Made a really great tasting burger
(Just started cooking for myself)

3.Getting picked to do another Fashion show tomorrow
(Excited and extremely grateful)

4.That I have not been kicked out of my apt
(going on 5 months living on my own)

5. That my mom brought me an essential piece of clothing that I needed
(thoughtful of her)



be a runway model (read all 3 entries…)
Total

I’ve done a total of 3 shows (one when i was 15)
Aug 16th and Aug 30th.
BUT
I’m still not being paid.
I CAN be a (paid) Runway model at 5’7

I loved the show on the 30th, but I would also love to be paid for my work.



bring sexy back
YEAH!

SEXY IS BACK

Me= All things Sexy

I am one Sexy Lady :)



drink more water (read all 2 entries…)
MORE water

Well, i guess going from NO water to some is good. I am now trying to keep bottled water in my house (hate tap) which encourages me to drink MORE. I’ve been drinking apx 2-4 cups for the past week. Now,I am working on keeping that up and increasing my daily intake.



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