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We are soooo doomed.
Doomed. It used to be a word we bandied about even before we first met (we are an internet dating success story). Our schedules were so off kilter and the fact we lived in different cities – albeit two hours apart – and had our children at different times than one another didn’t help. It seemed that we would never meet and would be internet pen pals forever more.
And then we did meet. And the planets aligned and the stars gleamed brighter and neurons bounced everywhere.
And here we are. Two plus years later. Our house is nearly complete. We are as in love as a couple could be. Mutt and Jeff.
He: Hugo Boss. Me: Thrift store junky. I will never adjust completely to an Armani world and H is learning the great joys of red “SALE” signs. We are perfect together and compliment each other and adore each other. When it is just he and I.
We have deliberately aligned our schedules so that we have our children at the same time. One week with kids. One week of honeymoon time.
It is those every other weeks, when we are not alone that have delivered a crushing blow to us.
My child: Six years old. Adorable (of course). Bright little girl with a scary independent streak she comes by naturally. She’s not an anomaly as she is not a perfect child. She is a regular kid. Poses the same challenges as any other kid.
Me: I believe in common sense when raising a child. I believe that there are consequences for actions. I believe that it is my job to teach moppet how to manage her feelings, self control, self discipline. My job is to help her grow up to be the best that she can be. Now, before you start thinking I’m running a military style home – We talk. I give her choices within her ability to make choices. I explain things. The worst punishment ever meted out by me is a time out. I encourage her to express her feelings but without yelling or having a tantrum. When she gets angry she goes off by herself for a bit and then comes back to talk when she’s feeling a little less wound up. She’s been doing this since she was four. It’s okay to be angry. It’s not okay to yell at people.
His kids: 12 and 14. Girls. Spoiled to the nth degree as – I guess – can be expected when growing up in a privileged home. Not simply spoiled with things but spoiled without discipline, ever experiencing consequences, running the show.
14 year old: Brilliant. Super intelligent, gifted child. Positively witty and quick. Also – challenging (deliberately so) of authority (and I’m told she’s always been this way – that it is not a result of her overactive teen hormones). Rude. Vulgar. Will eat spaghetti with her hands in a decent restaurant simply to get a response from her father who simply turns a blind eye. Picks her nose in public. Wipes her filthy hands on her clothing. Curses like a sailor. Once farted on my head while I was napping. No consequences.
12 Year Old: Spoiled beyond belief and over and above that of her sister as she is the baby. Tantrum thrower. Door slammer. Screamer and yeller when any little thing is contrary to what she wants it to be. Vulgar, rude, and could make a sailor blush. Not overly bright. Likes to believe she is the “good child”. Once told me to “go F**” myself (at age 11). No consequences. Both parents handle with kid gloves. Tells her father to f-off without consequence. Calls her mommy whenever she doesn’t get her way and demands to be picked up. Half the time mommy does without consulting H.
H’s Ex: Delusions of martyr mother. *LOVES when she gets the ‘daddy’s being mean’ calls. Has told both children they do not have to take direction from me. Brushed off the f-off incident and being merely a ‘word for heaven’s sake’. Has meddled with kids minds since begining of relationship (from when we decided we were in it for the long haul and brought the kids into the game – slooooowly). Dictates to H how we should be doing things and does the exact opposite herself.
H: Liberal. Beyond liberal. Doesn’t correct or attempt to stop sailor talk unless my six year old is in the room. Never disciplines. There are never consequences for even the worst behaviour. Believes talking to them will resolve problems and – worse – if he just lets things cool off the problems will correct themselves and go away.
Today: Third time’s the charm? Relationship almost ended twice before because of his children. He doesn’t defend me when they say horrid things to me. He doesn’t impose consequences for the worst offences. I started seeing it as him giving them permission to abuse me. Not one to allow children to run roughshod over me if he doesn’t say something, and if they have pushed the limits beyond the reasonable – then I say something. What ensues is a mighty blow out which makes him feel caught in the middle, makes me feel like leaving for good and makes the Ex feel like a saviour as she runs to rescue her kids. Last time – in the fall – I had decided this couldn’t work, that I would not be able to live in the same household as these kids – he assured me things would be different. He read them the riot act. Assured them I was there to stay. Paid more attention to what was going on and nipped things in the bud before they got out of control.
Flash forward to Saturday night. All of us cozy in the kitchen. He in the sunroom area right off the kitchen. Listening to music. Moppet and I doing a craft. 14 yr old starts singing a song with inappropriate lyrics. Catchy tune. Don’t want moppet heading to her dad’s singing the very same. Nudge. Hey, R, little ears in the room. No effect. 12 yr old sits next to sister. Conspire together with whispers and giggles. Both begin singing. I can’t see their father where he’s sitting but he’s near by. I say a bit louder, thinking he’ll hear me: “I’m asking nicely girls. Not a good song to be singing with Tay in the room.” More whispers, more giggles with furtive glances my way. Let the singing begin! Me: “I’m not going to ask you again.” That elicits belly laughs. And it starts again. I stand up. Take two steps toward them. Put on my angry voice. “I am not asking you. I am telling you.” Oh, and here it comes again! I turn off music, call over to their father – is he oblivious to what’s going on? He sends them to the family room in the basement. They keep coming up to kitchen – which he ignores – making snide remarks. Finally little one says “I get the vibe that I’m not wanted in the kitchen.” I reply – “You’re right. Not until you apologize.” Mayhem ensues. “I’m not apologizing to that woman. What are you going to punish me for dad? For singing a song? She’s crazy…...” and on and on. He is letting them ride all over him so I step in – big mistake – and say “Any punishment your father might mete out is a result of you deliberately ignoring my request you stop behaving inappropriately. It’s not about singing.” What follows is the usual from 12 yr old “You can’t tell me what to do.” And crazy lady gesture from 14 yr old.
Now – if this had been the first time we had such a blow out it might have ended differently. It’s the umpteenth time. For all the undealt with infractions and abuses hurled my way anything that happens now is that proverbial straw on the camel’s back. We had a trip planned for mid March. H was going to race. I was going to take kids shopping while H raced. I respond. “You know what? Find some other door mat to take you shopping in Phoenix. I’m not going.”
What the???? No Phoenix? Someone dares to take something away from them? Chaos. Little one is moving to mother’s for good and never coming back. Conspires with big sister to stage a coup. It’s her or us. If you choose her we’re both leaving. He – wisely – said “then go, but don’t come back”. Long overdue as this is the norm for little one and because he always caves to her threats she continues to call the shots with daddy tiptoeing around her. This piece of advice came from good friends of his. So – big sis decides she’s not going. Little one packs up her entire room this time. Tells me how much she dislikes me. Mommy arrives and makes big sis come with her. Big sis leaves all her stuff and later calls dad to come get her.
Now – before you are led to believe all is always bad between us let me add… Those kids follow me around like puppy dogs most of the time. If I’m going off to run an errand they want to come. They want me to do crafts with them, go shopping with them, teach them to cook, do their hair, give me pedicures and on and on and on. At times when I’ve had a cold or flu they pile into bed with me and we sit and chat. Or they bring the X box up to their father’s room and we play video games. They ask for my advice and tend to ask me if they can do certain things to and in their rooms in the ‘new’ house. I don’t understand the love/hate relationship. When they’ve been abusive to me I’ve chilled myself to them and they trip over themselves to be nice to me. When I let my guard back down and simply ‘be’ with them, that’s when they hit me with another blow.
Back to Saturday night. H and I discuss. Much to my amazement he is actually still contemplating going racing, taking them with him and suggests he will have to find time in the evenings to take them shopping. WTF????? “You are actually going to reward their behaviour? I withdrew and you are going to still take them and then it is moppet and I who are punished for their behaviour?!?” Beyond belief.
Moppet and I leave the next morning. I make it clear to him that I want apologies from the girls and expect him to mete out a consequence.
Today little one is still at mothers (as of Tuesday it was mom’s turn with them anyway). Mother has insisted she is going back to her father’s next week. H still doesn’t get that when she comes back he has to lay down the law to her when she gets home. Something akin to – you are welcome to come back but you have to understand that these are the rules of my home and by coming back you agree to abide by them. Rule number one is never pulling the ‘I’m leaving’ stunt again.
Big one has suggested she will apoligize to me if I apologize to her for ‘over reacting’. An apology with a caveat. How meaningful. He has agreed to cancel Phoenix. I am in agreement that is punishment enough. We have discussed. What if I didn’t withdraw from Phoenix? His answer: I probably would have still gone but given them less money to shop with as punishment. Not meaningful. Especially when their mother would, and has in past, simply given them the cash that he has withdrawn.
We both have no kids this week. I have refused to see him until we resolve our parenting issues and develop a firm plan for how we are going to merge our families. We have had significant discussion. I realize it was a mistake on my part to inject myself when he was dealing with them. I became enraged hearing how they were speaking with him and referring to me and that he wasn’t stopping them? defending me? telling them not to speak that way? all of the above? My part should be only to point out to him what is going on. Step away. His job is to make sure we are in agreement with whatever steps should/could/need to be taken. Send them to their rooms. Tell them there will be consequences but he will discuss them with them in the morning. Discuss amongst ourselves. Come to an agreement. Withdrawing $50 from their allowance is meaningless. Their mother gives them what he takes away. Both parents buy them whatever they want anyway (the 12 yr old is on her third digital camera in less than a year because she keeps breaking them and demanding they be replaced). If there are consequences they HAVE to have meaning or they will continue to repeat their behaviour. History has shown that to be true.
We have plenty more to discuss. He plans on having a ‘conversation’ with the older girl with me present – but silent – telling her I’m there to stay and what he expects her behaviour will be. He says the little one ‘isn’t ready to hear that yet’. I think she needs to hear it more than her sister. Her sister gets it already, I think. She wasn’t the one to pack up her room. We’ve agreed to counselling to better figure out how to do this. He won’t agree to counselling for the little one because he cannot get the agreement of his spouse. She thinks that I’m the problem. I see this kid hurting horribly over her parents divorce and not knowing how to deal with her anger. She needs help as she doesn’t talk to either parent about her hurt. She’s spoken to me about it in snippets but I’m not the right person to help her deal with it – I’m part of her conflict. When I spoke with her about counselling she seemed to be somewhat accepting of the idea. I think he should get her counselling even if the ex doesn’t agree. Every other week is better than not at all.
We’ve made some positive steps in our discussions this far. I want to do it at a distance from him because the other two times we’ve come to this point and agreed to discuss – we move into live as normal in our honeymoon week without kids, tend to not discuss it much, and go back to the same old formula which doesn’t work. We’re too smart to keep making the same mistakes. He seems to feel I’m punishing him by spending time apart. That’s not the case. He’s off on a business trip as of today. I declined to go with him – he was shocked and a little upset. I am also afraid to move forward without feeling like we’ve come to a resolution because I really thought this time with ‘it’. I have bawled my eyes out and not eaten since Saturday and am walking around in a funk and a fog. I don’t want to lose him. But I don’t want to go back to the mess we have. I think the next time this happens we are done. If it’s two months after we move into the new house – what then?
I have no answers. I don’t even know if any of my thoughts on the matter are actually based on common sense anymore or if they are tainted by my experiences. I just want it to be less of what it has been and more of what it could be.
Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
