Becky_K

in the midst of a whirlwind of change...confusing, but I hang tough.



I'm doing 38 things
 

Becky_K's Life List

  1. 1. stay sober
    6 entries . 9 cheers
    460 people
  2. 2. plant a potted herb and vegetable garden
    3 cheers
    1 person
  3. 3. practice effective communication - say what I want
    1 person
  4. 4. put work into mending broken friendships instead of holding grudges and letting people go
    1 person
  5. 5. love myself no matter what
    1 entry . 3 cheers
    17 people
  6. 6. take a tropical cruise with Tracy
    1 cheer
    1 person
  7. 7. see all others with a fair and non-judgemental point of view
    1 cheer
    1 person
  8. 8. rock white pants
    1 person
  9. 9. always keep $200 in my checking account, and $500 in my savings account
    1 person
  10. 10. host an excellent party
    1 person
  11. 11. travel with my partner
    9 people
  12. 12. collect photos of myself that I really like
    1 entry
    1 person
  13. 13. take a martial arts class
    76 people
  14. 14. systematically eliminate clutter from my entire apartment in time for me to host my first party next month
    1 person
  15. 15. get rid of all clothing I haven't worn in years, is damaged, doesn't fit me, or doesn't fit in my closet
    1 person
  16. 16. learn how to use kinesiotape
    1 person
  17. 17. plan healthy meals, consistantly
    1 cheer
    1 person
  18. 18. write my autobiography
    581 people
  19. 19. become best friends with my brother
    1 entry
    1 person
  20. 20. make at least $30,000 this year giving massage
    1 person
  21. 21. take a fearless and honest moral inventory
    1 entry . 3 cheers
    1 person
  22. 22. own a home with a yard
    1 entry . 5 cheers
    1 person
  23. 23. don't procrastinate
    1 entry
    52 people
  24. 24. have more fun
    2 entries
    1,320 people
  25. 25. be true to myself
    3 entries . 1 cheer
    439 people
  26. 26. try new things
    1 entry . 1 cheer
    419 people
  27. 27. let go of unhealthy relationships
    1 entry . 2 cheers
    5 people
  28. 28. never give up on myself
    2 entries . 1 cheer
    15 people
  29. 29. have unshakable self-confidence
    1 entry . 1 cheer
    1 person
  30. 30. Daily: Reflect on 5 Things for which I am Grateful
    7 entries . 1 cheer
    3 people
  31. 31. learn how to sew and start making some of my own clothes
    1 cheer
    1 person
  32. 32. pay back my parents
    1 entry
    42 people
  33. 33. stay present at all times
    1 cheer
    1 person
  34. 34. stop being afraid to be wrong or different
    1 entry
    2 people
  35. 35. set a good example
    1 entry
    19 people
  36. 36. quit saying I'm sorry
    103 people
  37. 37. rediscover the child i never was and become the woman i am meant to be
    8 people
  38. 38. To Feel Beautiful Without Any Make-up
    1 cheer
    1 person

How I did it
How to create a website for my massage business
It took me
6 months
It made me
relieved!


How to be thankful every day
It took me
8 months
It made me
airy


How to quit drinking
It took me
1 day
It made me
sober


See all "How I Did It" stories...

Recent entries
Love myself no matter what
Untitled

pretty hard to do when I fucking hate myself all the time. I feel like nothing I do is good enough. I never do enough. I feel like I have to change all these things about myself, do things differently, be someone different. I just want to disappear and never have existed. I don’t want to hurt anyone, but I am hurting…all the time. Every day just seems more dire; I have less hope than the day before. I know if I kill myself it will hurt a lot of people. I hate myself. I feel stuck. Yes, I am in therapy. Yes, I am abstaining from drugs, alcohol, and shitty relationships. Nothing anyone says penetrates the shell of “I am right about me”. Nothing so far has changed my mind. I have hated myself for a very long time. It’s exhausting. Maybe it’s this practice which makes just loving myself so difficult. Theoretically, it seems, I should be able to love myself the way I am instead of trying to change all these things in order to love myself. Every time I might have done something right, its so overshaddowed by everything I do wrong, everything I am that is wrong. Yes, I’m whining and inconsolable. I don’t want you to feel sorry for me or encourage me to “get help”. I am getting help; its not helping. All I see is how pointless everything is. Things that give me moments of joy do not last; the pain lasts. The pain is always there. I just want to shut my head off.



Become best friends with my brother.
Untitled

I don’t know how this is possible when he fucking hates my guts. Ok, maybe he doesn’t hate me, but he has zero interest in talking to me, hanging out with me, anything. There has been a rift between us for so many years and I just want my little brother back. I want him to look up to me. I want him to ask me things. I want him to be interested in me. It’s like he just doesn’t care, like I don’t exist. It just makes me want to fucking kill myself sometimes. A lot of things do.



Daily: Reflect on 5 things for which I am grateful (read all 7 entries…)
3-9-10

5 things I am grateful for today:

1. I got some homework done.
2. My partner loves me.
3. Yellow highlighters.
4. Dried beans are soo much better than canned beans.
5. I talked to my mom.



See all entries ...


 

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