I'm doing 38 things
pretty hard to do when I fucking hate myself all the time. I feel like nothing I do is good enough. I never do enough. I feel like I have to change all these things about myself, do things differently, be someone different. I just want to disappear and never have existed. I don’t want to hurt anyone, but I am hurting…all the time. Every day just seems more dire; I have less hope than the day before. I know if I kill myself it will hurt a lot of people. I hate myself. I feel stuck. Yes, I am in therapy. Yes, I am abstaining from drugs, alcohol, and shitty relationships. Nothing anyone says penetrates the shell of “I am right about me”. Nothing so far has changed my mind. I have hated myself for a very long time. It’s exhausting. Maybe it’s this practice which makes just loving myself so difficult. Theoretically, it seems, I should be able to love myself the way I am instead of trying to change all these things in order to love myself. Every time I might have done something right, its so overshaddowed by everything I do wrong, everything I am that is wrong. Yes, I’m whining and inconsolable. I don’t want you to feel sorry for me or encourage me to “get help”. I am getting help; its not helping. All I see is how pointless everything is. Things that give me moments of joy do not last; the pain lasts. The pain is always there. I just want to shut my head off.
Becky_K's Life List
-
1. stay sober
6 entries . 9 cheers463 people -
2. plant a potted herb and vegetable garden
3 cheers1 person -
3. practice effective communication - say what I want
1 person -
4. put work into mending broken friendships instead of holding grudges and letting people go
1 person -
5. love myself no matter what
1 entry . 3 cheers17 people -
6. take a tropical cruise with Tracy
1 cheer1 person -
7. see all others with a fair and non-judgemental point of view
1 cheer1 person -
8. rock white pants
1 person -
9. always keep $200 in my checking account, and $500 in my savings account
1 person -
10. host an excellent party
1 person -
11. travel with my partner
9 people -
12. collect photos of myself that I really like
1 entry1 person -
13. take a martial arts class
74 people -
14. systematically eliminate clutter from my entire apartment in time for me to host my first party next month
1 person -
15. get rid of all clothing I haven't worn in years, is damaged, doesn't fit me, or doesn't fit in my closet
1 person -
16. learn how to use kinesiotape
1 person -
17. plan healthy meals, consistantly
1 cheer1 person -
18. write my autobiography
589 people -
19. become best friends with my brother
1 entry1 person -
20. make at least $30,000 this year giving massage
1 person -
21. take a fearless and honest moral inventory
1 entry . 3 cheers1 person -
22. own a home with a yard
1 entry . 5 cheers1 person -
23. don't procrastinate
1 entry49 people -
24. have more fun
2 entries1,323 people -
25. be true to myself
3 entries . 1 cheer444 people -
26. try new things
1 entry . 1 cheer413 people -
27. let go of unhealthy relationships
1 entry . 2 cheers6 people -
28. never give up on myself
2 entries . 1 cheer15 people -
29. have unshakable self-confidence
1 entry . 1 cheer1 person -
30. Daily: Reflect on 5 Things for which I am Grateful
7 entries . 1 cheer3 people -
31. learn how to sew and start making some of my own clothes
1 cheer1 person -
32. pay back my parents
1 entry42 people -
33. stay present at all times
1 cheer1 person -
34. stop being afraid to be wrong or different
1 entry1 person -
35. set a good example
1 entry20 people -
36. quit saying I'm sorry
104 people -
37. rediscover the child i never was and become the woman i am meant to be
8 people -
38. To Feel Beautiful Without Any Make-up
1 cheer1 person
How I did it: I enlisted the help of my partner's cousin, who is a computer whiz, to help us set up the framework: the web address, format of the page, emails from the site, etc. My partner and I created all the content. We created a service menu, personal profiles, and an estectic design. Its hard to "toot your own horn" for me, so selling myself was the biggest challenge, after the inital hurdle of starting the project. Read how I did it…
How I did it: Once you start thinking how shitty life and your circumstances are, they begin piling up on your head and spinning you down and out of control. Spiraling down, you can see the bottom. Close your eyes and keep going, or don't. Open your eyes and look up and around you; there are two sides to every coin. There is beauty, love, and truth all around us, all the time. We don't notice it because we are too wrapped up in our own thoughts. Take t… Read how I did it…
How I did it: This goes along with my goal of "staying sober", but I did quit drinking on Jan. 1, 2009 and haven't touched the stuff since. I quit because I saw my use of alcohol was creating a pattern of suffering and self-abuse in my life, so much so that I'd begun to attract abusive people and situations. I just woke up on New Years with my same old terrible migraine and hangover and decided I just didn't want any more....all the excuses I'd used as… Read how I did it…
See all "How I Did It" stories...
I don’t know how this is possible when he fucking hates my guts. Ok, maybe he doesn’t hate me, but he has zero interest in talking to me, hanging out with me, anything. There has been a rift between us for so many years and I just want my little brother back. I want him to look up to me. I want him to ask me things. I want him to be interested in me. It’s like he just doesn’t care, like I don’t exist. It just makes me want to fucking kill myself sometimes. A lot of things do.
5 things I am grateful for today:
1. I got some homework done.
2. My partner loves me.
3. Yellow highlighters.
4. Dried beans are soo much better than canned beans.
5. I talked to my mom.
