Beginnings Here

Finding Me in ease in 2014



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Write or speak with gratitude each day. express it in writing to one person every day for 2012. (read all 3 entries…)
It flows from me now!

I have someone in my life who is so open, transparent and grateful – and he expresses it often. It makes it flow from me, not just back to him, but in a pay it forward kind of way. When you are getting it – and I have been – it makes life so much easier! I float on the love, kindness and gratitude I am receiving.

I’d like to stay here.



In the depths of winter I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer (read all 3 entries…)
i found this

what a struggle the dark is for me each year.

i find my light….i will celebrate my light in the light.

i am so very happy.



Make 2012 the finest year of my life. (read all 7 entries…)
any moment now....

I land. Softly. Safely. Gently.

Into a more loving space.

A more value-laden space.

A more balanced place I longed for – for years to find.

A love in my life. Projects I develop and manage.

Creative use of energy.

Financial reward.

Loving life now. Breathe.

Healing has begun. A better life is about to begin.

Trust in you. Trust in it. It will come to you and yours.



Celebrate my successes in positive ways (read all 15 entries…)
Things didn't go as planned.

In some ways they got better.

In other ways they got worse.

But…following the chinese – do nothing – I am…on the right track of reframing the pace, the balance and the value of life, living and prioritization.

Nothing could define success more than what i want in my life.

I am getting what I want – more and more every day.



Ask: are there any narcisists I am enabling? (read all 11 entries…)
and on that note...I was out!

When I woke up to this truth – that it wasn’t about them – it was about me – enabling the narcissism in them – and putting out the welcome mat – and stopping that behavior on my end – my life improved…

my happiness factor did. Jan 1 was my rebirth on this. No to the relationship. It wasn’t OK and that isn’t love. Not anything healthy anyway. I got better. I moved on.
Even with clients. I am working on a better response for those who would use me as their doormat.

I found someone to love who is not an unhealthy narcissist. a very warm, open, loving responsive generous soul – who is what I alway deserved in my life – but allowed these narcissists to occupy that space for all these years – like a moth to the flame I was drawn to that version of love – yikes for me!!

I deserve the giving soul to match mine – not to exploit mine. I have never been so happy as to have found him. Finally. And in finding him – found this for me, too.

It took a long time – and it is worth it.

Firing clients, too. Finding a new path to earning a living not based on them – based on me and my value.

YEA!! It is working. I am a much happier person. More sane. Not anyone’s beoch.

lol



live life with the man of your dreams (read all 14 entries…)
cornered me in the kitchen - he did

when i saw him at the early start of our weekend – he offered that he’d be my boyfriend – if it was ok to call him that…me, the girlfriend! don’t you love that moment – the one where you make this conscious decision to define what you are – so that you can identify it externally and internally….so we did. It was nice.

But, the next night, he declared, in the middle of a very small gathering of concert-goers – that he loved me. He knew I loved him, too. Well, I did say it back. But you all knew it a couple of weeks ago! I told him the effort to not say it was so great – I couldn’t hold it back any longer either. He just beat me to it.

I had gone to see Dark Shadows earlier in the week – and during the opening credits – they played Nights in White Satin – and my heart screamed from every pore of my being since Monday – Yes I love you! By the time I saw him Thursday it was emanating from me – expressed at every turn – that of course we had to let it go…

what a way to fall in love.

what a dream.

then we planted his garden on Sunday. a big beautiful bountiful garden.

we shall reap what we sow. as he said, the couple that gardens together, stays together. it is our plan. he has created utopia. i get to live in it…on weekends. My place during week nights. i am living life with the man of my dreams.

what a man. man-o-man. and he cooks. made me spectacular meals. turkey pesto feta burgers. wow. salads. steaks. portabella mushrooms marinated in balsamic with blue cheese. honestly…he is the man of my dreams.



Write or speak with gratitude each day. express it in writing to one person every day for 2012. (read all 3 entries…)
I appreciate people...

I am not as good as I should be in sincere expression in the moment of this. I must wake up to opportunities to express this.



make a home (read all 26 entries…)
If you could see it right now

It looks fabulous. Really well cared for. Still clutter in places but generally a clean, sleek look.

Bringing people into the space all the time helps keep it that way.

Can I say…finally?



live life with the man of your dreams (read all 14 entries…)
fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh...eighth

how many times can you gain validation….that you are living life with the man of your dreams…. i suppose when i am at 250…1690…10,602 – i will know. in the absence of a long time to know…it is at the moment a dream come true.

i love him. i knew it the first time we met. we are madly in love. it happened so fast. i am sure no one watching us would believe it – and yet it is so mistakably real and heart bursting to go through the experience of falling so crazily, madly in love.

I have no idea whether it will last. I just know what is.

This is what you wonder if you will ever find. And then one day it shows up…love. in the purest form. not the analytics version of love. just pure feeling. ow. oh. mmmm. bliss. joy. happiness. brain on a high. zen like life.



live life with the man of your dreams (read all 14 entries…)
Third gathering...

showing me his world. Wow. how open and honest. here it is.

it is wonderful. lots of toys. lol

cares about the land, his family, his friends and creature comforts.

as for me…i watch, witness…learn and wonder… how much of my dreams he is made of…how much of my dream he lives.



live life with the man of your dreams (read all 14 entries…)
i met someone

i knew within the first few hours i wanted to be with him…forever.

did anyone you ever meet convince you that they were it for you?

i have a long way to go in discovery however if there was someone who provided a warmth, a glow and a home in his arms….

it was there…just waiting for me.

wow.



Help my mother in ways I have never imagined I could. Find a way! (read all 18 entries…)
Each week, we get closer

We fight. She doesn’t want me bringing food. But I do. Healthy food that is good for her. Berries. That I know she won’t buy for herself but she will eat happily. She complains. “Stop bringing stuff.” But I do. It is such a small thing.

And a big impact in her quality of life. She doesn’t really allow me to help out in many ways. So, it is the small things.

Cleaning a closet. Not so much. But a lot.



February Bootcamp 2012: Play and Productivity! (read all 3 entries…)
I am still better on the productivity than the play

I signed up for a class….I was supposed to sign up for a class to play in. Instead, a business course!

So that was failure!!!

However, my productivity soared as I completed a step that had been out there for a year and a half – on a large project.

I can get there.

yee ha?



Practice the Four Agreements: Be impeccable with my word/ Don't take anything personally/ Don't make assumptions/ Always do my best (read all 6 entries…)
don't take anything personally

wow. this one is really important to me right now.

i am struggling to know this is true in how i was taken off a project. it isn’t about where i am – it is where they are.

i don’t want to be where they are.

i should be thrilled i am not on the project any longer.

feels hurtful when removed, as opposed to me being the one to say, i want to leave this plac.e

i should have said that.

i don’t know why i won’t and don’t say that

i am bad at leaving bad places and spaces. it isn’t about me

it is about that room – that space – that someone created.

as long as they let me stay – i will

but – i must learn to walk away from it.



Make 2012 the finest year of my life. (read all 7 entries…)
that bandaid rip...ow

still smarting. lots of pain remains. i know it was needed. doesn’t stop the stinging from happening.

so much is up in the air as to how this could possibly be a year that is my finest.

like always, many things are going right. however, i have had a severe setback work wise from what should have been a phenomenal opportunity. that said, i hope to pull it together for the year. it can become the finest year of my life. it looks like a real challenge for it to be that from where i stand.

i always believe i jump off these ledges and what saves me is my wings. i do not jump without a net. my wings: my skills, talents, love of life and appreciation for what i get to do in the world carry me to a safe landing place. in the meantime, the flight can be terrifying, but i know to breathe into it, trust myself, and there will be a safe landing into a much better place.

i am in that terrifying moment before i breathe.

breathe. breathe. breathe.



Write or speak with gratitude each day. express it in writing to one person every day for 2012. (read all 3 entries…)
this has been harder than i thought.

i was on the recieving end of this yesterday and today and it makes me feel so wonderful.

it is so easy to do this.

i must make this a practice!!!



tell my daughter - everyday - how much she means to me (read all 28 entries…)
It was valentine's day yesterday

I got a package in the mail – special delivery of the candy hearts that I would always get for my daughter. She sent them to me.

I was not a good mom. I had not done the same.

I raised a thoughtful kid.

I was not as thoughtful as she was.

I tried to do a make-good, but it isn’t the same.

Why didn’t I prioritize this and how can I improve my demonstration of the traditions that she is carrying on – even if I am not?

I must consciously bring this to her.

I love that kid. She is remarkable.



Have a one word resolution for 2012 (read all 2 entries…)
EMBRACE

I embrace you all and the 43 Things we do…together.

thank you all for being here, with me, and moving our worlds, separately and yet together.

I embrace you this year.



February Bootcamp 2012: Play and Productivity! (read all 3 entries…)
I'm going to Improv Saturday to Play

Oh Yea…



tell my daughter - everyday - how much she means to me (read all 28 entries…)
Christmas Break was Good...and bad

I had finally gotten used to her not being here, and had fallen into a pattern of life without her here.

Then, she came home and the two of us were so happy together again, and yet, trying, both of us, to figure out what from the old habits stayed in place and what new stuff needed to be created and embedded in what we are now. It wasn’t too tough, but it wasn’t as easy as I thought either.

These are not unusual and I was ready for this, but living it was a blessing and a curse….ha ha.

I think when she is home for the summer, i need to be more proactive on expectations about us together, apart and time spent in family vs free time, etc… We need to consciously figure that out.

I love that kid.



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