Even as she gets sicker, the time together is more precious, more measured and we connect in ways that I haven’t experienced ever. I appreciate everything going on between us now. I know I must spend my days with her. Each and every that I am able. These days are wonderful and I know this is a short window. We laugh. We smile. She is often joyful like never before. She sings. She jokes. She is free to be who she is. I love our time. It is the best of time.
When the time comes…do you step up?
Being tested in a big way. I am not afraid. I will do it.
Not for the faint of heart…
I may have room in my new office for this.
More self-imposed. I am at home. I am at peace. I am learning to enjoy the silence and solitude and not feel that I have to be talking to someone all the time. Living inside my head. OK with being inside myself. Mini-silent retreats are on until my daughter returns. Enjoying a break without an SO. Allows me the silence and to come into myself and be me without reflection of another. Good practice to remember who I am without others.
I announced intention. Let’s see if that helps.
so I ordered it. (she had two bites and fell asleep!)
she was cold, so I brought in a warm down blanket for her.
we laugh. she can be funny. I hold her hand or touch her when that is something we have not done before. She can tell me what is going on. In our quiet moments together. Few of them…but when they come we get to share very tender and loving exchanges. I hold on to them. They will be fleeting and distant memories. I savor them like a good truffle or cap after dinner. Just being there most days is the best. I leave each time and wave to her from the door. She waves back. Most of the time. and smiles. It is a good way to say goodbye.
I bring her favorite cake. I pick her a flower. I can’t do enough but I know I need to stop anticipating everything and allow her to ask – when she can.
that I have been getting together with girlfriends every week to get reacquainted and working on keeping these relationships alive.
that my uncle reached out to me to help him and his wife.
that my cousin reached out to me to do our annual outing.
that my entire family is coming in for Thanksgiving.
I will be taking time to renew, refresh and revive for year end.
that my best friend is coming to stay with me soon.
that I will have a guest room for friends to visit.
that the universe provides what I need – even when I don’t know how I will manage it.
that life is unfolding as it should. all is right with the world.
The hardest one.
So many commitments to live up to.
Hard to say no. But I am getting better because so much is on my plate.
I spent a lot of money once having plans drawn for the house of my dreams. Then…I found it years later. And now I will own it.
Not sure how it will go. Here we come.
Not going far up or down.
If I could only use treadmill more.
Pretty amazing. It all happened so fast. Very spontaneous.
I am going to have a wonderful home. The home of my dreams.
I told my mom last night that my life has been good in every way and I thanked her. She closed her eyes and said nothing.
It was what I had to say to her. To let her know I was grateful for everything…the life she gave me… regardless of my belly aching about what I didn’t get.
She couldn’t go there with me. But it was OK. I was willing to go there for us. And now she knows.
My parents didn’t do gratitude. lol
for thanksgiving and then for a two month break.
can’t wait to be together and building our new home together.
My chance to step up BIG.
Will you seize the moment? Will you capture the opportunity?
Going to work on it over the next couple of months.
I made this a goal because I used to love to get up and take on the day. It has been hard to do so lately and I am uncertain as to why. There are factors that could be playing a role in that so it could be causation. I struggle to find the energy and true feeling in this. I want this. I try faking it each day. But it isn’t underneath the way that it once was. I am hopeful the new home and routine will get me there.
I know that I could have this working in my new space.
I have to get a treadmill and it would be good in the new office.
Much more than last year.
I was wonderful. We now bunk together when I stay there – and I have 3 times now. Really great time to hang together, still.
I am unbelievably proud of her. She is a really amazing kid.
A wonderful person. A very strong presence and very sure of herself.
I am rooting for her.
She does mean the world to me.
That’s right…I have to tell her that!
and i continue to read and understand this, too