Beginnings Here

I understand how this feeds back to everything.

I respect myself

I gain the respect of others

I grow in my work and life

Because I respect myself…and establish very healthy boundaries around me and what I will and won’t tolerate in my life.

So, the BIG things in life are coming to me.

The BIG things you know can change everything.

Can you imagine how long it has taken me to get here?

Lessons from my daughter in some ways.

Her healthier outlook. I am getting there. I didn’t have the same parent that she did… to tell her that she could have anything she wants in her life.
that she could be anything she wants, if she works for it.
that she is perfect in her imperfection.
that we are all perfect that way.

I strive for that imperfection everyday.
I always reach it.
It is always perfect.
lol

That I am almost done my first phase of my project
That it has been somewhat successful thus far
That I believe in love again
That I have a wonderful man in my life

That my daughter is flying through her year and doing very well in all ways
That my home is such a safe haven for me, and others to hang out in
That I have a couple of really comfy corners to hang out in there
That I believe I will be OK – in all ways

That I will get the life I dream of
That I have shifted BIG things in my life
That it is all about to explode!
In a big, big way. I believe I will get the life I deserve and want.
Because I can have what I want.
Because in the dream of life….it will give you what you ask.

i went to my lesson and she wasn’t there. I checked my email and sure enough, she had cancelled my lesson. In the building, there was an accountant’s office that I noticed last week. The guy at the snack bar told me to go in, the owner always works late. And I did.

I liked him. We will meet in a couple of weeks. I will get a proposal from him. Let’s see. Wasn’t on my list here, but was on my list in life. Hey! I didn’t sing but I can count!

i need this. i am going to learn how to sing. not because i don’t know how, because we can all sing….but because i want to have a voice that is able to stand in itself and whisper or belt and be in command of that.

what a great lesson tonight as a first step to controlling the sounds out of my mouth. we learn to control the words. now i can learn to control and master the sounds.

beautiful instrument that we are built with – and so few of us now use it as we put our ear buds in and sing in our heads.

recorded music has killed this off for humankind.

i recently heard that people used to sing while they worked. entire crafts had songs that sang while they worked. this built trust with our co-workers and a relationship of the act of singing together. oh, how we have lost this. is this what i long for? is that the primal scream i am hearing inside me as i want to sing?

can’t figure out where this need came from….but one day it was here and it now must be contended with.

you tube videos on vulnerability, shame and now the power of vulnerability cd set and the book daring greatly.

i am willing to stand in the arena, and risk it all.

i do it everyday. i live my life this way – in work.

i need to open this up for the way i live my personal life.

i need to love. and not be afraid to be who i am in my own skin.

last night i went to a creative class…and we made journals so that we can just start writing a stream of consciousness writing…which is hard for me because i always find like someone will find my journal – read it – and then reject me for the flawed human that i am.

but i am going to do it.

then, i started taking singing lessons. if i was brave in the first class to be heard, i was real courageous when another student came in and i sucked it up and kept limping in my new voice effort.

hard. but necessary. putting myself in new situations with new people and willing to be authentic…human…flawed. breathe. it’s all ok. it’s all ok.

one more meeting this week around this.

but i am committed to do this.

i also have started to think about how to investigate materials for the prosthetic market to make prosthetics more comfortable for those who wear them.

i know there are things we could do to make our lives easier.

no longer sure. as we head to nine months…

i feel the commitment i have toward him.

i am not feeling the commitment he has toward me.

he has gone quiet still.

odd, though, when i ask him about it, he still isn’t responding, but he is behaving in very loving, caring ways.

a friend speculated that he could be a guy that once he says it, that’s it – its out and there is no need to repeat it.

now, he says this is what he is about – but i can’t imagine he has nothing more to offer to our conversation.

having a tough time processing what is happening.

i kept hoping he was in a place of figuring it out and thinking it through… maybe he is still there.

i want to hear him. i am not.

and started thinking about – with her – how this can take on a life.

maybe this is her internship with me.

mmm….have her work to develop her life – and how to – not sure if I am on the right track…but it could be something we do together.

Friday: celebratory dinner at the restaurant of his choosing with cake, birthday wish, round 1 gifts!

Saturday: movie with friends and round 2 gifts

Sunday: his favorite cake, ice cream, candles and round 3 gifts

Monday: a card – a very small gesture – with a large gesture that he rejected

Tuesday: his birthday: flowers to his office

Wednesday: a dozen chocolate covered strawberries to his office

Thursday: round 4 gifts – creativity for the future

Friday: his family and friends gather

Saturday: more family and friends: round 5 gifts

Sunday: football sunday – round 6 gift: at my house – the tv for my home so he can watch football at my place

so, the standard behaviors are done. now how about the rest of the stuff….the stuff that makes it memorable….now where did I leave that stuff?

changing the world?

making a difference?

how large or small a difference?

how to leverage my knowledge and experience to do this?

i am in my work. i know i could be having a much larger impact if i focused on this. my bot idea. my book, ebook, website for daughter.

how do you solve climate change? i met a man who knows. the challenge is getting everyone on board and participating in these steps. (the natural step principles if you are wondering.)

i have been involved in creating change and movement. i believe in the big movements we all must make. i have lost my momentum for the really BIG things – while i solve isolated issues for my community – and they can be scaled nationally – and perhaps globally.

but for now – i have back burnered the dream BIG on social change.

not because i don’t believe it won’t happen, but because i believe it will come through social media and crowd sourcing. we will get there. our lives depend on it.
and in survival, we change and move.

it is evolution after all that keeps us here.

we missed her birthday. snow wiped it out.

i suggested a redo to the family.

i haven’t heard back yet

we;ll see. gotta do something!

no good not celebrating.

I want to get better.

tangible things to do:

once a month, get the staff or project team together and celebrate progress and our success. make the time and make this a priority.

when incredible things happen, respond in an incredible way. start giving to the community and your favorite non-profit more than you are.

you can give big now. give back big. real big. make a dent in a problem.

if it were me…i know what i’d want.

for him… how about a what? what would make him happy?

a crew to finish his house? when it gives him so much satisfaction to build it himself? new, that wouldn’t work.

a trip? probably. somewhere historic. a history tour.
that would be good. as a gift or to do?

a birthday gift of his family – a party for him. daughter, parents, gram, aunt, cousins. a surprise party? co-workers? friends? i don’t even know how to reach them other than through his Facebook

hack his Facebook? lol

steal his phone? lol

logistics of that would be tough.

how to make a birthday memorable? not sure. ideas are sought!! have any?

gotta get our tickets for florida trip in feb.

maybe that trip!

what else would a guy want to make his birthday memorable?

i am looking at my sleep cycles – and see how i have been messing up in my sleep cycles. going to fix that.

and i am going back to the gym for good this time

boyfriend and i need to figure out a better schedule for 2013 seeing each other.

i was working out monday, tues, thurs and sat and he is monday wed friday. we have got to get it together because i was on the losing side of the equation for 2012.

back on track. still around 24 bmi, but i wanted it to 21 or 20 in my secret dreams. that i don’t share. because i am afraid i won’t reach that goal. so i set the bar lower than i should so i don’t hav e to admit to you all that i still didn’t get there…one more year. but i know i am letting myself down and i must get to it….meet my goals. not be afraid to say, i want my bmi to be 21.

i have always felt this is about having confidence in your voice. not just for singing, but in life.

i need to get a stronger voice right now

always have

i a going to do this….sing…with lessons and learn to belt it out.

I believe I woke up in time to save myself from the bad partnership. Maybe 2 or 3 or 4 of them.

I hope my investments in my future will be better this next time around.

I struggle with this very much. I want to default to this position so naturally. not done. but baby steps. with leaps and bounds interspersed

i have turned a blind eye in my love life.

i know what the issue is. I am afraid.

i know i will lose him if i look.

i know i will lose him if i push to know what is there.

i know i will not accept it, or him if it remains.

how to get through this? how to reconcile?

but look with both eyes – respond accordingly.