I must get better.
get strategy in place.
I must get better.
get strategy in place.
I am using the cash surplus.
i am starting over on this one.
but, i will have much equity on my home if i need it!
starting this over.
you are getting older.
i think we better make it soon.
i’m not sure how long you are going to have.
20 more years, no doubt.
I stay in the range but I was trying to get to 20 not 23.
Can’t seem to keep consistent.
I am closing on the house.
Exciting new beginning.
My steps get me closer to the me I want to be.
I am staying authentic to who I am and what I want.
I am getting grounded in meeting my needs.
It is good.
One of the reports was 765. The other two were lower – so the one that was higher lowered it. What I found was that there were a couple of bogus items on it. I contacted the agency that the original claim was supposedly with and they promised to get the collection agency to remove it. However, it was slammed on my report erroneously.
Should be fixed in 30 days. One of the agencies (Adobe) was breached and now is paying for a one year term of theft protection.
Not sure if that is good.
Not if my stuff is stolen in year 2.
Mortgage came throughout. All good. No crazy provisions. Just me.
She now can’t reach for her own water….so I help her.
She can’t move…so I help move her.
She can’t do most things…so I help do those things for her.
I bring her whatever favorite foods she wants: stollen, almond torte, cookies, divinity, and her beloved brachoile.
I spend most days visiting. Not too long.
Friday night was a good night. She was awake and told me to lighten up. So I did. I teased her. I made her laugh. She told me she hadn’t smoked that day and I asked her if she was trying to quit. We both laughed. I promised her a gold star for the first day of not smoking and to bring her a sticker book so she could put one up for each day that she didn’t smoke. We chuckled.
We laughed a good while over her attempts at using the bedpan for the first time. Her gas. The discomfort of rolling back and forth to get cleaned up by the aide. My willingness to be there. To listen. To not ignore what was happening to her. To emotionally go there with her. She knows that is what I am doing. As everyone else changes the subject at the first sign of discomfort…I walk there with her. I am willing to go with her wherever it is. Often it isn’t logical. It doesn’t make sense. More of her mind goes each day.
But I am there. I hold her hand to stop the tremors. I lean in to hear what she says.
I stand at the side of the bed while she rolls to me and hold her while the aide cares for her. I care, too, but I am asked to stand aside while they take care of her in the way I lobbied to have her cared for. The lights keep going out…one by one they do.
I miss those that are out but I am ever so grateful for the ones still burning.
Slow going and yet lightening fast. They go. Consistently out.
It is a slow good bye. It is both good and bad.
I miss her already but I am so happy for the person who remains.
She is beautiful. The relationship oddly better than ever. She loves me and can demonstrate it now. No fear. She teases me. She is funny and joyful and generally happy.
I don’t think I saw that part of her – most of my life.
She is happy and content with her choices and the life she has led. I am happy for her.
I tell her I love her each time I leave and she either says, “I love you too, D” or “me too”
I love her.
I hope to finish out the year in my new home. My fabulous new home that I couldn’t even imagine when the year started.
what a year. what a year.
more ice tea.
cakes that she loves…the almond torte.
long sleeved jammies.
her down blanket.
cotton and natural fabrics.
a kiss hello and good-bye.
telling her I love her…even when she can’t reply.
remembering to turn her oxygen off before she hits the smoking area.
helping to make sure she brushes her teeth.
making her trips to chair and bath comfortable.
Grateful that I can afford such a wonderful place
Happy that I can imagine the life I have lived in my head, now able to live for real in the house.
A grown up’s house. Not a transitional space. A space to call home forever.
At least my forever.
Happy that I can dream once again. About a life that will be outdoors.
That I will have wonderful and beautiful soaring spaces.
That I will have a yoga studio.
That I will have indoor spaces that make the heart sing.
That I will have cozy corners that will be wonderful to curl up into.
That I will be safe and secure and surrounded in all things nice.
That I will have a garden of a lifetime…that someone took the time to build and start…and I get to build upon.
That I can have my moon garden.
That I will have a waterfall.
That I will have the most spectacular office. And listen to the waterfall.
That I can have a kitchen that looks like the deck of a starship.
That I can watch the sunset from the deck of the starship enterprise.
That we can open our home to invite family and friends to join us.
That I can host a graduation party for my daughter.
That I can host garden parties for my favorite charities.
That I can breathe in a new community and find the joy in that.
That I can breathe new life into my existence and renew my passions.
That I can have a painting studio.
That I can have my outside room.
Several of them!
That I can get a hot tub and my sauna.
That I can indulge in all the ways I have longed for,
And that I can do that now.
I bought a new house. A beautiful, spectacular new home. I have to close on it on in late November.
But. I bought it.
I really did it.
I get paid and it does seem to be enough to live on and start to save. Savings just got wiped out this week on an emergency item but I will replenish this week. (small account for just such a situation!)
I am amazed at how this works.
Better for sure.
I can do this for a weekend.
I have needed voice lessons for a long time.
I have been afraid of speaking because of what I might say if I start saying what I do think and feel.
I realize this is the only way to be authentic.
Just say it.
Your own truth…in the four agreements manner.
Not afraid. Making it happen.
Big for me. Big GIANT STEPS for mykind. lol
grateful that my mom still smiles periodically over really small things…like handing her a bunch of grapes.
happy in the sunshine
happy our city has a smile and a duck
happy that i am isolating…for self care and down time
happy to be here…still
happy that i have my dental work scheduled
happy i have my procedure scheduled after a 3 year procrastination
happy that things can be civilized
happy my mom is in hospice care and in assisted living and with an aide
happy my siblings are showing up to be a part of life
happy that my daughter got into her study abroad program of choice
happy that my daughter is sailing through the semester
happy that the project is going well…on track if not all that graceful
grateful that the staff we are assembling is behaving as a team
grateful that my assistant does a good job.
grateful i went to yoga yesterday
grateful i ran on the treadmill
grateful for the bike ride Saturday with SJ
grateful for his energy
grateful to be looking at beautiful homes for me and my daughter
grateful i can afford a beautiful home
grateful my daughter convinced me not to “settle”
grateful my best friend became a millionaire
grateful my other best friend is getting married…or not…lol
happy one has a year off and the other is coming home
I am watching you right now. When are you going to call me?
Tomorrow is busy. Thursday I am free. Let’s talk and meet then.
that she is in an assisted living center with an aide at her side. what else is there to do?
she is both there and not there.
we watch the game tonight. she sleeps through most of it.
the chaplain from hospice swung by. awkward he was. trying to figure out how religion plays a role in her life…and she…unable to articulate to anyone at this point the simplest things…and he, trying to have a philosophical conversation with her. awkward, too. with me and the aide listening in.
he, not understanding her life at all. believing in what she mourns and what her losses have been, when in truth he is so far from the mark. but he tries, taking a stab at what might be within her. she holds a small smile at him, but i know how cynical she is feeling about his attempts at this game. i laugh to myself witnessing this. in another time, we’d laugh about it later. now, it drops as she moves back into herself once he is gone.
she is perhaps angry at me for sharing my story with the aide about the women in our family being “less” than the guys. but it is common and the aide tells me her family story that is as familiar as ours.
but it is the truth of my family. the family she birthed and upheld. she continues to keep me as a lesser member of the family.
she does that.
to me. still. regardless of how much i have led this family to understand her truth and where she is. while she and they stayed in unreality and escapism. the role i have been cast in by her, and them, is to be the one who is attentive and aware. It allows them to look away…knowing I am watching the truth for them all.
it has been hard…all of it. it still is. and i suspect it may get tougher ahead.
it is way past time.
Gotta figure out how to celebrate generally.