Beginnings Here

Finding Me in ease in 2014



Entries
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be courageous enough to be vulnerable (read all 8 entries…)
This is a regular practice now

I told my mom last night that my life has been good in every way and I thanked her. She closed her eyes and said nothing.

It was what I had to say to her. To let her know I was grateful for everything…the life she gave me… regardless of my belly aching about what I didn’t get.

She couldn’t go there with me. But it was OK. I was willing to go there for us. And now she knows.

My parents didn’t do gratitude. lol



tell my daughter - everyday - how much she means to me (read all 28 entries…)
We talk. She will be home this year

for thanksgiving and then for a two month break.

can’t wait to be together and building our new home together.



dream BIG (read all 9 entries…)
Have a chance on the big stage

My chance to step up BIG.

Will you seize the moment? Will you capture the opportunity?

Going to work on it over the next couple of months.



Greet each day with an outstanding attitude (read all 7 entries…)
Each morning...I groan

I made this a goal because I used to love to get up and take on the day. It has been hard to do so lately and I am uncertain as to why. There are factors that could be playing a role in that so it could be causation. I struggle to find the energy and true feeling in this. I want this. I try faking it each day. But it isn’t underneath the way that it once was. I am hopeful the new home and routine will get me there.



Get walking desk (read all 2 entries…)
I want this in my new office

I know that I could have this working in my new space.

I have to get a treadmill and it would be good in the new office.



tell my daughter - everyday - how much she means to me (read all 28 entries…)
I have seen her 4 times this fall

Much more than last year.

I was wonderful. We now bunk together when I stay there – and I have 3 times now. Really great time to hang together, still.

I am unbelievably proud of her. She is a really amazing kid.

A wonderful person. A very strong presence and very sure of herself.

I am rooting for her.

She does mean the world to me.

That’s right…I have to tell her that!



Make the list of adult functions for my daughter to understand what is coming and to prepare by taking on several things each year to prepare for adulthood (read all 8 entries…)
go her a book on this

and i continue to read and understand this, too



Be a consumate professional with the people I hire to work for me. (read all 6 entries…)
I have failed at this

I must get better.

get strategy in place.



have a 6 month emergency fund (read all 8 entries…)
now that i am buying the house

I am using the cash surplus.

i am starting over on this one.

but, i will have much equity on my home if i need it!

all good.

all good.

starting this over.



Meet David Letterman (read all 9 entries…)
dave,

you are getting older.

i think we better make it soon.

i’m not sure how long you are going to have.

lol

kidding.

20 more years, no doubt.



obtain & maintain a Body Mass Index (BMI) within the range of 20-25, which experts generally consider to be healthy. (read all 19 entries…)
OK…yo yo

I stay in the range but I was trying to get to 20 not 23.

Can’t seem to keep consistent.

how to…
routine..
ritual

I promise…



Make 2013 my finest year yet (read all 8 entries…)
All seems lined up

I am closing on the house.

Exciting new beginning.

My steps get me closer to the me I want to be.

I am staying authentic to who I am and what I want.

I am getting grounded in meeting my needs.

It is good.

All good.



Get my credit score to 800 by next June (read all 11 entries…)
I learned about this score and others

One of the reports was 765. The other two were lower – so the one that was higher lowered it. What I found was that there were a couple of bogus items on it. I contacted the agency that the original claim was supposedly with and they promised to get the collection agency to remove it. However, it was slammed on my report erroneously.

Should be fixed in 30 days. One of the agencies (Adobe) was breached and now is paying for a one year term of theft protection.

Not sure if that is good.

Not if my stuff is stolen in year 2.

Mortgage came throughout. All good. No crazy provisions. Just me.



Help my mother in ways I have never imagined I could. Find a way! (read all 18 entries…)
Helping my mother….

She now can’t reach for her own water….so I help her.

She can’t move…so I help move her.

She can’t do most things…so I help do those things for her.

I bring her whatever favorite foods she wants: stollen, almond torte, cookies, divinity, and her beloved brachoile.

I spend most days visiting. Not too long.

Friday night was a good night. She was awake and told me to lighten up. So I did. I teased her. I made her laugh. She told me she hadn’t smoked that day and I asked her if she was trying to quit. We both laughed. I promised her a gold star for the first day of not smoking and to bring her a sticker book so she could put one up for each day that she didn’t smoke. We chuckled.

We laughed a good while over her attempts at using the bedpan for the first time. Her gas. The discomfort of rolling back and forth to get cleaned up by the aide. My willingness to be there. To listen. To not ignore what was happening to her. To emotionally go there with her. She knows that is what I am doing. As everyone else changes the subject at the first sign of discomfort…I walk there with her. I am willing to go with her wherever it is. Often it isn’t logical. It doesn’t make sense. More of her mind goes each day.

But I am there. I hold her hand to stop the tremors. I lean in to hear what she says.

I stand at the side of the bed while she rolls to me and hold her while the aide cares for her. I care, too, but I am asked to stand aside while they take care of her in the way I lobbied to have her cared for. The lights keep going out…one by one they do.

I miss those that are out but I am ever so grateful for the ones still burning.

Slow going and yet lightening fast. They go. Consistently out.

It is a slow good bye. It is both good and bad.

I miss her already but I am so happy for the person who remains.

She is beautiful. The relationship oddly better than ever. She loves me and can demonstrate it now. No fear. She teases me. She is funny and joyful and generally happy.

I don’t think I saw that part of her – most of my life.

She is happy and content with her choices and the life she has led. I am happy for her.

I tell her I love her each time I leave and she either says, “I love you too, D” or “me too”

I love her.



Make 2013 my finest year yet (read all 8 entries…)
The house I have longed for...within reach this year

I hope to finish out the year in my new home. My fabulous new home that I couldn’t even imagine when the year started.

what a year. what a year.



Help my mother in ways I have never imagined I could. Find a way! (read all 18 entries…)
she has the care she needs...

now, sweaters.

more ice tea.

cakes that she loves…the almond torte.

long sleeved jammies.

her down blanket.

warm blankets.

cotton and natural fabrics.

a kiss hello and good-bye.

telling her I love her…even when she can’t reply.

remembering to turn her oxygen off before she hits the smoking area.

helping to make sure she brushes her teeth.

making her trips to chair and bath comfortable.



Gratitude & Happiness (read all 22 entries…)
Happy that I bought a house

Grateful that I can afford such a wonderful place

Happy that I can imagine the life I have lived in my head, now able to live for real in the house.

A grown up’s house. Not a transitional space. A space to call home forever.

At least my forever.

Happy that I can dream once again. About a life that will be outdoors.

That I will have wonderful and beautiful soaring spaces.

That I will have a yoga studio.

That I will have indoor spaces that make the heart sing.

That I will have cozy corners that will be wonderful to curl up into.

That I will be safe and secure and surrounded in all things nice.

That I will have a garden of a lifetime…that someone took the time to build and start…and I get to build upon.

That I can have my moon garden.

That I will have a waterfall.

That I will have the most spectacular office. And listen to the waterfall.

That I can have a kitchen that looks like the deck of a starship.

That I can watch the sunset from the deck of the starship enterprise.

That we can open our home to invite family and friends to join us.

That I can host a graduation party for my daughter.

That I can host garden parties for my favorite charities.

That I can breathe in a new community and find the joy in that.

That I can breathe new life into my existence and renew my passions.

That I can have a painting studio.

That I can have my outside room.

Several of them!

That I can get a hot tub and my sauna.

That I can indulge in all the ways I have longed for,

And that I can do that now.



make a home (read all 26 entries…)
Well...I did it.

I bought a new house. A beautiful, spectacular new home. I have to close on it on in late November.

But. I bought it.

I really did it.

wow. happy.



pay myself this year and plan budget (read all 5 entries…)
i am still surprised that i get this money!

I get paid and it does seem to be enough to live on and start to save. Savings just got wiped out this week on an emergency item but I will replenish this week. (small account for just such a situation!)

I am amazed at how this works.

Better for sure.



go on a silent retreat (read all 6 entries…)
October...yes. for a bit.

I can do this for a weekend.

Pick one!



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