I want to greet each day with an outstanding attitude.
An attitude of Gratitude.
An attitude of Happiness.
I can do this.
I want to greet each day with an outstanding attitude.
An attitude of Gratitude.
An attitude of Happiness.
I can do this.
put a bunch of money in it.
not quite what i need to be doing – don’t have the full 6 months put aside, but I could figure this out going forward.
tax bill is a bite and the retirement funding.
but, i am grateful i have enough for all.
i will work toward this further.
Then I come to my place and can’t understand why I’d move.
I am so confused on this.
I both love and hate my place.
So often I write these things and they do continue….
There is never a need for the other shoe to drop.
It has taken me a lifetime to learn that.
I know that when I wrote this it was a wish and a perspective.
Moments after writing it, I called my mom to wish her a happy Easter and she informed me the scans had come back with a couple of tumors.
I was grateful that I had gotten her to the doctors, insisted on testing so that she can now get the help she has so clearly needed.
Wow. I am happy I could bring that to her.
Monday, I meet her at the doctor’s office at the hospital, while trying to work that morning, with my head swirling about what had happened…
I was grateful I had the afternoon free to spend that time with her.
Monday night I went to yoga to process what had been going on,
but within hours I feel a cold coming on and I am sick the whole week.
I was grateful my body told me to focus on me and to be gentle so I went to bed every night by 9:30.
My work team couldn’t get together on a single day so I replicated the meeting for two groups on Tuesday and Thursday. And though it made for twice as much work, I was grateful that the outcomes and the more intimate conversations and discussions. They fell into place perfectly and aligned the project. Moreover, I was asked to lead from the front, instead of the rear, and to get out there.
For that I believe I am grateful.
My other project brought me long hours on Wednesday, Friday and Saturday, but was groundbreaking work and interconnected to my other work. I was able to make progress with them, get reconciled on our work fronts and build momentum and support from the staff, workforce and supportive organizations.
I am grateful I am working with their organizational head, who is a very progressive individual with whom I get support and cooperation in my quest, as he gets the same from me.
Come Saturday evening, I finally sit with the man of my dreams, to finally relax from an incredible week, and conclude, with him, he is not the man of my dreams.
We have figured out, in the year, what connects us, what separates us, what we like about each other and what we don’t. Moreover, what we can and cannot live with, or makes us happy or not, with each other.
I am grateful that I am willing to take this look, right now, and be honest with myself about he and I and our longer term prospects with each other. Though he is a great guy, our “Green Acres” lifestyle isn’t as reconciled as we’d like it to be. I may be able to jump on the back of his Harley, but I am never going to be the woman he wants me be at “Bike Week”. I was reconciled that I couldn’t invite him back to the Waldorf Astoria annual event he attended with me last year. (he hated it) but I was happy to believe we could make this work regardless. I have to be happy – and relieved to know – that the things I have been listing that I must give up in my life, now do not need to go.
I am grateful – and happy – that he and I love each other enough to be honest with how hard parts of the relationship are – and how we may not need to give up the things we love most in order to fit together better.
I am grateful for one brief shining moment, I was a biker chick. lol
I am grateful my daughter will be home soon and I can spend my work time with her as she works as my intern this year.
I am grateful that I loved and lost.
It is better than not having loved at all.
when you decide to end a relationship, you then have more time to work out.
that is why i am on this bad cycle.
unless i can find someone who wants to work out with me, i don’t know how else this can sustain.
have more body fat than i’d like, but still in the range.
I haven’t celebrated it yet.
Yep…my work getting national recognition….not that i am named explicitly, but my work is.
What does that mean to me?
Who did get named is a leading university and a start-up, by name. Why not me?
I lead from the rear. I still do it.
this past week, the leading university asked me to step in front and lead from the front.
get it done.
more of what i do.
just do it as i know i can.
so we are.
i am. lol
i have already.
i will continue to do so.
i am going to step it up and do this!
I pulled it together myself.
Have to keep going.
I start to question whether this is the right home or not.
I think I should look and find a better home.
Wow. I believe that is true.
Take a look around now and try to close in July/August.
Not sure, but maybe I need to list what is right for me now.
They are great…I could see and feel that.
But when you fall in love you are able to look past so much.
How far apart are we?
Think, one of us getting acknowledged in the 2013 President’s Economic Report where the other one is watching the same Duck Dynasty episode for the 5th time.
Think, one of us doesn’t drink while the other has a weekly “get wasted” night.
Think, one of us …oh, well, isn’t that enough to see.
He definitely escaped in ways that were not my ways.
And, the ways of escape were oppositional to each other.
Where we did connect: gardening, cooking, good food, juicing, health, working out, love of the out doors, working together to do things, building things together, etc…
Where we didn’t: forms of escapism and what we liked doing when we let our hair down and how we let our hair down.
What I will miss most about him is probably the very thing that differentiates us the most, his zest and zeal for life….which in the beginning was huge and then became subdued with me.
More like me he became when that was the part of him that I actually liked and wanted most to gain from him.
So, I sit, surrounded in his place by my tastes, my gifts to him, my touch here…and I think of how much fun we had pulling it together …and how much I will miss him.
But, make no mistake, I believe I will marry the man of my dreams with my whole heart.
I want no reluctance.
I want to know it is right.
For me, I have been able to put things together in my life during this time to create exciting conditions for my life.
One of the things I have learned is how to maintain and grow my professional life while in a relationship. Normally, I don’t do that and things can collapse. I am proud I found the balance I needed in this relationship to make things work on my professional side.
I also know this is an important time with my daughter and mother and I can invest my time with them right now.
It is all good. It can be heart breaking, but it isn’t. My heart is strong and intent on the right fit where I can – at a full run – come to the committed moment – and then the next committed moment, etc..
I know that I will find the man of my dreams and love him with my whole heart.
So I did force it…but it took months of getting him to open his eyes or at least acknowledge it.
So we both look – together – and see – that there is good and there is light within our relationship = but the dark parts, the mismatch, the harder parts of who he can become, and who I don’t like when I look all feed into making this an endpoint.
But I was willing to know the truth and face it.
OR for that, I am again proud. He would have hid for months more, if not years, had I not called him out on it.
I should have acted upon noticing instead of waiting for the day that he found his courage.
And I don’t celebrate?
WTF is wrong with me?
This is What I am Talking About!!!
What should I do to mark the occasion?
and after Brene Brown says this is about foreboding joy…
and i get that.
she let me know that they found tumors in the CT scans I was just about begging her doctors to take.
ah, well. this is what we all knew would come some day.
and, in that way, we all knew she was on borrowed time.
when she passed the two year mark from diagnosis, I was surprised.
when she passed the two year, four month mark I was astounded.
but, now, with her strong will, she will remain with us for a bit.
but, not long thereafter.
tough cookie this one. 12 years she has toughed it out.
2.4 years since the cancer re-occurred.
i have had my time with her. i have insisted on this, much to her often dismay.
her state hangs inside of me – it has for years but it is at a full gallop now.
i am sad beyond belief.
i know i have been there for her – even as she didn’t want it.
and now, she will need it more.
i hope the family rallies for her.
i hope we become the children she raised us to be.
I feel so much freer and better to be able to talk about what it might look like to fail. or that we should fail fast so that we could get onto succeeding.
I love the freedom that comes with this expression.
email says, “Where are my kitchen curtains?”
“I have them hostage and I will bring them back soon.”
She wouldn’t let me clean them at her house, so the other night, I stole them. Washed them and brought them back in a day to hang them for her. Broke one. Hem came out. Oh, well. Wasn’t essential right now. They look good without it.
Got her a wedge pillow which she groused about…but then when I insisted she try it, she tucked in and I swear she looked happier than I had seen her in years. It was worth it!
I got the health care company to come out. Pretty demanding I was.
Now, she is going to have on-going care with them. Monthly check-ins.
Maybe, more often if needed.
I am now doing her weekly food shopping. It gives me a way to subsidize her food that is on her list. I get her much better quality food that she would buy on her budget.
And, I told her I sold her posters for 350 dollars so that I could give her money she believes she needs. She has money. She won’t spend it because she believes she will be alive for 20 more years. I wish her doctors would tell her that isn’t going to happen – so that she could give herself the quality of life she deserves – and not live in such self-imposed poverty.
But, they don’t.
I bring my daughter for a visit and they have a great chat. Complaining – lovingly – about me. Cute together. My daughter helps make the visit more pleasant between us.
I meet her: at her doctor’s, for tests, at a mutual friend’s funeral visit. She is generally short with me. But trying hard to be cooperative or cordial. But, it is hard for her to accept help.
Her best friend tells me she shouldn’t be driving. Broaching this with her is very hard – and she won’t discuss it.
I help her pull together her tax information. She is alternatively sharp and lost. Many statements are missing. She is confused by the two accounts and tracking which are which. I try to intercede to help. Stiff armed, I am.
Friends say I need to stay strong and keep taking over things. I have made ground in this way. The weekly shopping and my commitment to spend 2 times a week with her. This past week it was 5 times. She is yielding as she sees the progress we are making in things that have not been done for a long time. She sees we can get there if she allows me to help. Not sure why this is so hard for her. But it is agony.
I am finding a way. I have made great progress.
And, I am more authentic now in how I approach her. Grounded. It works.
grateful and happy…
that we have a fine meal planned for the day
and that I can afford a very healthy food lifestyle – i make those choices for myself and I am pleased to spend money for quality food
however we are planning a huge (and by that I mean huge) garden so that we can grow our own high quality food and have the freshest possible
that our seeds are in and the plants are growing!
that we are growing some incredible greens to juice for the next six months
that we can spend long days in the garden – and be very happy for the harvest for our bodies.
that he is so excited and expanding the garden this year.
that he can be so good to me
so thoughtful, so sweet
that he is a great caregiver to his family, if not periodically reluctant
that he has healthy boundaries around this
that i found a place of belonging
that i feel grounded here
that i belong here more than i do with my own family
that i feel the bonds of his family and what it looks like to live in support of each other – not as big acts but small acts that are big
that my work is coming to a productive state
and i must step up to perform that work
that i feel healthy and energetic again – after the darkness came once more
that i can get back to my weight and fitness by just following my routine – that isn’t so routine in the winter
that the sun has come out
that the weather is breaking
that my car is running like a champ
that my daughter is finding herself and starting to learn about life
that she is in love with someone who suits her so well
that i will be spending the holiday with three 90-somethings! his family.
that he and i will happily and joyfully make a memorable meal for the holiday
that i am in a very incredibly place
in ways in my life. it doesn’t get much better than this.
i am so grateful. i am so happy. i am so lucky.
i have it all. in this moment. and i believe it will continue.
on my part. Maybe his too. We take a deep breath before we plunge. I ask myself this whole weekend with him – is this what I want? Is this who I want? Is the groove the one I thought I’d be living? It isn’t. Yet, I don’t rule out what it is. I just wonder if it makes me happy and if it will continue to make me happy.
Is it enough?
This time…not as certain as before. It is the real moment before you say yes.
More frightening as I pause to reflect and contemplate.
He is inside himself. Not coming out. We are both wondering…separately.
Time to put it away. But, yea! I pulled it together.
Suzie Orman would be so proud.
i don’t get it.
maybe it was getting 2 new cards.
670 really! that is just about as bad as it was when i had no credit.
all my 4 lines are paid on time every month. i pay off all balances. every utility paid on time every month. i dont get it. not at all.
the whole system is perverted.
has fallen apart around the edges…
need to get some help, again.
I trust that we are. I think we both went through a period of deliberation – separately – and have not yet come back together to discuss this… but as we come up on a year together – I see how we fit together. how we can look at the life we would have together – and I believe it will be life that is very different than the one we imagined having – but our differences bring to us a novelty and newness in experience and lifestyle so distinctly different than the one we live within – it is good.
We are good for each other in some very surprising ways. I love how we come together to support each other. We have worked through the ways to respectfully deal with each other and what our boundaries look like with each other. I feel like we will keep walking toward it.
Is he the man of my dreams? Can I love with my whole heart?
He is. I am.
Wonderful feeling together.
i was with him in every conceivable way to find our way to an intimate connection and then we stayed together throughout the weekend, just enjoying ourselves.