Beginnings Here

I keep thinking I can get rid of this – and then I find out I cannot.

I must change this forever. Keep it until I do!

and I missed it…

he thought we had a fight. he followed me to the garden and wanted hugs and kisses. thought i was upset.

i had just gone for a walk to the garden with the puppy.

then, we actually had a disagreement. lol

Like what? I ask.

“Like a house together.” He says.

“You would move? You love your place. You belong there.” I say.

“I would move. We need a place for us. For privacy.”

“Wow.” I think. The world opens up.

We look at each other and smile.

He says, “Not yet. But we hope to be.”

how?

As the mid-year review hits, unbelievable changes in this year for me!

The ripping open, the wound, the recovery, the healing, the new world that rises from the ashes…

wow.

my life.

A beautiful man who is committed to me. Who loves me. Who wants to build the world we always imagined…together.

A three year horizon to do my work – well funded and with a budget to boot.

A dream of developing in community that is coming alive – trusting in the right partners and relationships to pull it together. To be a team and work together.

It shapes up. It forms. It happens. If you can dream it you can live it.

I am very happy.

It is all there.

Do Nothing. Think.

Imagine.

Then manifest. Wow. It works just that way.

Great mid-year check in!

Loving this year – after some real pain in the first quarter. The second was phenomenal. Let’s see how the year ends. I love my life right now. Unbelievable.

It is.

started the guide for her this weekend.

let’s see if she reads it.

I have now been trying for 2 weeks to drop my last 10 pounds. I am down 4 pounds. Certain to break the barrier that has kept me for the last 7 years. In view.

His events are more down to earth, mine more structured and formal. However, the combination of the two works well for variety.

I am thinking ahead to next weekend…we are working on a project together and maybe I make that the key to the weekend with mini-surprise offerings in between.

Mine: dinners, formal events, five star hotels and restaurants.
His: backyard campfires, friends drinking together, biking

what i want to do: yoga together, and make him a dinner/lunch treat

sometimes, you got to take what comes.

lol

that was it.

spent time during a storm.

hopefully that was reassuring, too.

OK, so, to summarize:

Got rid of the personal relationship partnership with a narcissist.
I now am in love with a very caring, generous, sweet partner who finds ways to meet my needs in ways I cannot even begin to understand how fully. He is on top of whatever I say I want or need – whether directed toward him or not. He looks for ways to make me happy. And it is reciprocal I happily give my love, time and attention to him. He doesn’t ask for anything – and when he does – he appreciates my willingness to help him. We have things we do for each other out of a sense of love – not obligation and it keeps giving back into a feedback loop.

Got rid of client relationships with 2 of them. I now hold the center and we work together….not my way or the highway!

But My way which is “with me” not “for me” “for you” or “get moving”

Collaboration….standing in the center and working well in relationships, partnerships, working relationships, and more.

I am happy. Took a financial hit in the reposition, but it is better.

Good things are happening.

Stop enabling narcissists. It is a good thing for me to keep on the front burner for a year or so. Until I develop new habits.

Keep exploitive self-centered men – who only want their outcome and couldn’t care less about mine – from becoming my norm – again. It is a good thing. That first family imprint is a tough one to overcome. yikes.

got it. finally. what a reposition my life has taken – once again. Course corrections are constant – and hopefully – always in a more positive productive happy outcome for me in my life. Less drama. More peace. More love.

Happiness.

and….so far it works.

we’ll see on the battle ground if it holds.

lol

I saw they did not allow the woods to be used for events.

So, I thought about how a flash mob event could be staged there

It got me to thinking about how a flash mob would be a great way to have an event at a place that either doesn’t allow them, or is too expensive to hold one there – re: more than I want to pay.

I thought of a lifelong dream – and how much fun it would be to hold an event there – spontaneously.

I love the thought.

We’ll see.

The reward for work and changing the way I work is aligned to be fulfilled.

The shift has occurred in all ways.

Better love.

Better work relationship.

Better positioning for where I want to be.

Do Nothing appears to be working.

Three months ago, it looked like an abyss.

I did trust myself to pull it back together.

And I have.

It will be the finest year of my life.

That is incredible that it is possible.

i now sing out loud with my guy.

with myself

in the car.

trying.

i am not that good…but i love to sing.

I am trying to figure out the house, life and work space.

It feels very jumbled with too many options and not enough “knowns”.

I guess I should buy my place.

I would rather rent somewhere for the next year until I am clear on what I am doing in my personal life.

However, it appears that year will be crucial to having “my space” in some way – if even just to work in – and launch the project from – and get a year under my belt of good financing.

We’ll see.

There is less clarity than before on this one.

Several options emerge.

I see people and I feel like a mouse….instead of greeting people in a warm and welcoming way – i feel like I make myself small and do not want to intrude or bother people as they are conducting their lives.

what is that about?

it feels like I have just recently been doing this.

I used to greet people – and then some event – or series of events occurred -

whereby I just changed that -

my goal was to get into a room, or walk down the street – without being noticed.

what happened?

what shifted?

I feel like I need to figure this out.

Talk about not being comfortable in my own skin or feeling like I don’t deserve to be occupying the space I am in with others.

What is that about?

Ideas?

the words don’t seem to come… the ones that are filled with meaning. we speak of the mundane.

perhaps that is what every day is about. the simplicity of saying good night, I love you.

A kiss goodbye. A hug here and there. A journey of relaxation without anything weighty to bring drama.

just r and r with a bike ride, a walk on the beach, or a snack here and there.

a truffle, an ice cream, a bowl of cherries.

life sometimes is just that easy. nice, slow vacation. finally.

He permeates every thought.

He lives in my head. For the 10 days we are apart, he is as close as ever. He resides in my heart. Firmly planted in my being. I cannot escape him. I don’t want to. I am so grateful that I have found what others around me seemed able to have found – all these many years, while I could not. Was it me – not ready? Was it not my time? How many years I didn’t/couldn’t/wouldn’t “settle”? How many years I wanted this man? How many years was he elusive? How many years, I must have taken to align so many things to work out for me?

They have aligned. The light and the dark. The good and the bad. The right time and the wrong time. The perfect moment of convergence is here. I do not mourn any years past without him. I know I couldn’t be here, ready for him, without the passage of those years, the preparation I needed for his arrival. I see with both eyes… I see him so clearly. He has allowed me to do so. I hope I have allowed him to see me as transparently has he has opened himself up to me to see the shadow and the light within him.

I sit on the beach and dream of what our lives can and will look like. What I want from the life we will live together. Where we will travel to and who will be in our lives. And, who will not. lol

I reframe my norm to include him and his. What will the new norm look like? Will I be happy? Yes! I know that I can be happy with someone who is willing to work, as I am, for the partnership we have sought our lifetimes to have. He has my back. He will protect me. He will cook for me. (Mr. Grill man!) He will love me. He will take care of me. Funny thing, is that I can finally allow someone to do all those things! I was so busy taking care of myself for so many years, and those around me, I wouldn’t allow anyone else to do for me. Part of my learning and growth has been to allow someone in – to do those things. I don’t have anything to prove. I just want to love someone completely and that does mean allowing another to do those things to express their love for me. I have to allow him into me and mine. I was so busy proving I didn’t need anyone to take care of me, that I couldn’t allow someone in. He is there for me in a way I have never felt before. Rock solid he is. I respect that, because I believe I am that as well – for him and those around me, that depend on me. Our relationship feels like “the wedded rocks” of Japan. One large rock and one small rock are joined together – connected – to become the birthplace of a nation. I feel very much this is what our joining will mean. The creation of a new nation! It is our corner of the world – the world we have both imagined and built in our heads, sought in our hearts, and will manifest in physical space. Our nation will be a place that family and friends can gather within, feel safe and comforted, and loved and embraced. We live that separately, now it is time to build that nation together – forged by the bond we have within each other – the trust we feel in each other.

Our nation – built on spider monkey tradition – involves a lot of embracing. Holding each other. And a long history of good monkey behavior. Jane Goodall would be happy.

This is going to be fun.

See what a little free time does for the soul? We birthed a nation while on vacation!

I love the man of my dreams.

I have a situation…where I just want to see the light…
I don’t want to look at the dark…
Because I don’t like it.

I don’t want it and I will reject it.

The lesson I have learned… see both

and know that we all have our dark parts

our shadow selves

be willing to see his

do not be afraid of what you find

just respond to it

honestly

authentically

tell him how you feel about it

how you can live with it

what the boundaries of his dark look like for you

what is within the range of your normal

discover his

go from there.

see with both eyes…. you must.

you will.