Blessed_Beauty

For three years, I only had eyes for my first love. I had only been with the man for a week. The rest of the time, we were thousands of miles apart. Sometimes I wonder if I was only in love with my idea of what he was. Strong. Perfect. The embodiment of American ideals and the protector of them. There was never anything official between us, and there were others throughout the years. Until you came along though, I didn’t think it was possible to love anyone else. You are not him. You will never take his place in my heart. But you are so much on your own, and you give me hope. I adore you, and you say my feelings are requited. I’m sorry if I seem cold at times, but I am hurt, and only time will show me what is true and what is not. Thank you for your love and patience. Thank you for continuing to push back everytime I push you away. Thank you for everything.

I sent a postcard from http://www.letssaythanks.com/ this morning, but it just doesn’t seem like enough…

I will absolutely work on doing more.

I realized a few days ago that one of the reasons I was so deadly afraid of my first love was that we were too close. When he looked at me, it wasn’t even like he was looking at me. It was like he was looking through me, and I was too ashamed of myself to be comfortable with that. I was too afraid that he would see things that would hurt him. I find now that whenever I start to have a deep relationship I start to pull away from it, perhaps for the exact same reason.

I suppose I have to love myself before anyone can love me…