Blue_Van_Meer

I haven’t hosted any couchsurfers this summer – been away a lot, been busy with my studies. To offer a warm welcome, a couch, a dinner together and info on the city, of course, somehow doesn’t seem sufficient – isn’t that like going to a hostel? I’d feel guilty of not being true to the real couchsurfing spirit, and therefore I’d like to “forget” this goal for a while – until we’ve left Neukoelln and moved to a bigger flat in another part of Berlin, maybe? On the other hand, Neukoelln is really hot right now, so people might appreciate finding hosts here. Hmm.

All of my experiences with couchsurfers have been good, sometimes excellent. A great way to meet new people, get fresh perspectives, an outlook on other lifestyles. For instance, hosting people who were smitten with Berlin has pushed me to reconsider love-hate-relationship with the city. It’s also, for me, always a chance to practice my English. And it pushes me out of my dreaded comfort zone.

So far I’ve only experienced couchsurfing from the host perspective, since I prefer our own holidays to be a bit romantic (which requires privacy and a real bed, methinks). But I’m looking forward to being a couchsurfer myself – that will be somewhat weird!

I did a little shopping, but more importantly, I reorganized my wardrobe / cupboard. I put all the flawless clothes, the classic pieces on one side, the indie rock things – just kidding, the more casual, funky or fasionable stuff on the other side. It makes it much easier to find things in the morning.

Coincidentally, this is also the week my boyfriend called when coming from the dentist and said, “I don’t like being a grownup”.

...

As for results, I felt better. No weird moments of, ouch, this pullover doesn’t really fit me, does it? And I ran into somebody I would rather have avoided, and sailed through our brief conversation without worring about my appearance.

(This will be even better when I have lost more weight and can wear some of things that still have the price tag on!)

Lovely quirks? I wish. Who would want a huge grey wall in their garden as substitute for a border fence? (Thanks go out to father and grandfather.) People are horrified by it – in fact, the latest person has offered to pay 20.000,- less than I want because of the WALL. At least the realtor told me so. Maybe the guy is just a cheapo?

In reaction to that I have addressed a written appeal to the building authority, pleading with them to take a look at the wall. I very much hope that they will order its demolition… (after another wait of 4-6 weeks).

Other than that, the cadastral register lists a right of way, from 1912. Yeah! That’s not a real problem, since it’s become baseless since then (the portion of the land is now a street) – but it’s still listed. Just another thing that makes people feel a bit queasy (and me too, in consequence).

I’m starting my “own” goal (changing it from “sell the house”) in order to be able to better define what this is about – not just a house sale…

Past entries

Aug 22, 11:05AM
the wait

Ok the realtor’s playing poker, and thankfully he’s aiming high. Nevertheless, if they are willing to buy at this price, I still get 16% less than originally asked for. And 9% less than I really wanted to. Actually, they were supposed to call him today, but I haven’t heard from him. Why do these things always take so much time! In order not to despair, I have already made plans for the next steps in case this doesn’t work out.

Aug 19, 08:40AM
poker

People have offered a price – a low price. Ouch. It’s not a surprise to me, but I’d like to get 15.000 more, at least, and we should not sell if they don’t pay at least 10.000 more… should we? For the time being, I know I’m good at poker – not the actual game, but psychologically, so to speak – and I very much hope that my realtor is too!

Aug 17, 06:03AM
action please!

There is another property for sale in my street, just two houses away, and the land looks neat. I understand that a vacant lot is more attractive for buyers – surely very convenient for building a house – but it hurts to see that there is not a single tree left… My only hope is that the other estate has a higher asking price. I’m nervous because autumn (and winter!) is near. And I want to be able to move on from this.

Aug 04, 02:07AM
another attempt?

My realtor called in an attempt to put my nerves at rest, I believe, because his message wasn’t really all that newsworthy. He has once again found some prospective buyers, and they’ll soon let him know how much they are willing to pay. The garden in the meantime looks WILD. Maybe I should go through there with a lawn-mower. How can people appreciate the size of the land, if there is high grass everywhere?

Jul 22, 08:08AM
4 months and going

Oh, man. The realtor has not had any success so far, not with the those who were REALLY interested, and therefore has asked some other estate agents he’s friends with to “help him” with this, well, job. Is this as weird as it sounds?

Can’t even imagine how we will feel when this is over. I hope, hope, hope this year.

Jul 03, 10:05AM
some people…

It’s frustrating that a prospective buyer is ready to go, but his client can’t decide whether she wants the house after all! So there we are, all stuck in motion because of this one person’s inability to make up her mind. But ok, it’s only been three months. Guess I should be a bit more patient.

I find it hard to come up with things this week. Don’t feel totally down, but sad, in a quiet way. And tired – of certain things.

- top of the list: sitting in a park/sports field on Sunday, enjoying the sun and the warmth, reading (Bryant Park)
- leaves have begun to change color, transported me back to indian summer in New England for a brief moment
- cycling through Berlin with my boyfriend on one of the last days of summer-almost-autumn
- glee when reading the Palin news on Monday (and I’m glad that stats show women voters of either party aren’t falling for her) (if this evil pair of people wins, something in my feeling for America will be permanently destroyed)
- my friend is back from her long vacation – I’m so glad
- I guess food
- running into somebody I didn’t want to see, and surviving
- organizing my stuff – the bureaucratic papers, filing and putting away or throwing out
- a Monday morning fight and then strong arms embracing me, the words “how can you be so cute sometimes” (even if, I know, so annoying some other times)
- feeling that running might be a goal of interest to me (my God, to run the New York marathon! or simply to run though Barcelona!)

I’m back to Milly Theale and Kate Croy and loving it. I don’t think I’ve ever been as much inside of a novel as with Wings. I get so immmersed in it, however, that I daily postpone my goal of writing an outline for my paper. Instead, I endlessly read essays and journal articles and the original text. I should probably take a step back from this, gain some distance, and decide what interests me most and what I’d like to write about. I already know that I’m most fascinated by the Venetian episode, sensuousness, treachery, the romantic imagination. Why do I feel that I will miss out on all the interesting questions, and not be able to show my professors how much I know, if I limit myself to one topic? This is just being silly and evading the real work.

- I’m glad that I’m the one making the decisions, and it’s a right I’m exercising even if it feels bad
- there’s a chance we’ll be better again, after all we’ve had phases like this before
- getting the credits for my sociology class n°1
- a romantic five minutes in the last week: he came home with nine roses, I had carefully selected nine different flowers for him, there we were
- going to the studio and working out after not having done so for 3 months
- weight loss (clothes bought last year and terribly neglected suddenly fit!)
- at the same: lust for food – or: enjoying food.
- shopping for clothes (and finding things I look good in)
- I guess I still love my hair, as before
- at least other people think we’re romantic (cf. roses above)

My professor has accepted the late paper. Without batting an eye. One sociology paper to go and then I can think about exam topics.

I know how awful this sounds, but I don’t trust her, I trust him. But not her and this is why I will say, no contact. I’m sorry I told him something else two weeks ago and he’s rightfully annoyed with me for changing my mind all of a sudden, but it was a mistake, I can’t take it, chances are that it’s not gonna work anyway, so: no. I know I need more time to heal, I know he can deal with it, and I don’t care about her. Basta.

I went to my professor’s office hour to inquire about his email, from which I couldn’t gather if his answer was positive or not. It was. He has accepted the paper. Thank my lucky star.

What ails me, pains me, is that he thinks I’m so smart (just because I was able to pretty much hold my own in an hour-long conversation about European politics) and that I will surely write my dissertation some day. He has not even read my paper yet! He will be horribly disappointed. And I – I will never get a Ph.D. Nobody would endorse me. Dear, I don’t know whether to laugh or to cry. Clench my teeth and take the next step.

Finally got back to the gym last night, after a pause of something like three months! My foot felt a bit a strange when running, but I think it will be fine. My boyfriend was running 18 km in preparation of the Berlin marathon. My results looked so pale in comparison. But nevermind, I had fun. Quite a muscle ache today, but that’s fine – after sitting on one’s butt for ages, it’s nice to realize one has muscles after all ;-)

That’s what I dream about. My parents went roadtripping through Sweden every year when my brother and I were kids, in an old Volkswagen bus, which instilled my love for roadtrips (and for catnapping while traveling, it has to be said). In the U.S. I took a roadtrip from Boston to Key West with my friend and an old Volvo – great expectations came true!

I hope that in the summer of 2009, I can finally reward myself for many hard years of university – American studies, no less – with a long roadtrip across the country. (Even my 65-year-old professor of American literature tells stories about his roadtripping experience. Only nowadays it’s less Kerouac-esque and more like “let’s do a tour of 1890s mansions” for him.) Oh, the joy of preparation (I love maps.) Lots of things to see – so many things to do. People to meet. Skies to photograph. Mixtapes for the way. And FREEDOM – for three weeks, at least. Hm, I better encourage my boyfriend to get his driving license soon ;-)

I got my MMR vaccination on Thursday. I hope I won’t come down with a fever in five or seven days, which happens in some cases. I also learned today that my health insurance company will refund 50% of the costs for protective inoculations (including cholera and yellow fever inoculation, hepatitis A and B, rabies inoculation or malaria prophylaxis) – but only if those vacciations are recommended by the Robert Koch Institute, the central federal institution responsible for disease control and prevention here in Germany. That’s nice.

We don’t need to get married in order to be happy with each other. But isn’t that exactly the beauty of the idea of marriage, in this society and culture and time: It is wholly unnecessary to get married, in spite of economic and legal considerations that certainly come up for some people (not us, so far). So if and when we do it, it should be for ROMANTIC reasons. I guess an “incentive” is missing right now – probably our relationship is not at its romantic best at the moment, our energies directed elsewhere. However, it is GOING WELL. In August, we had our 9th anniversary. But where is it going?

Incidentally, getting married has not regained the appeal it once had for me. Even a year ago (exactly one year ago, my first entry!) I felt very strongly about this… and now? I’m still keeping this goal. I want to regain that feeling.

At the office I usually wear jeans or slacks and sneakers or leather shoes, as everyone else does. We don’t have a dress code and only dress up for business meetings with clients, so most of the time it’s possible to wear whatever you’d also wear at home. But recently I’ve felt that my look has gotten too relaxed, and that I should put more thought into my appearance.

In part because I spend half of the day at university or the library, I sometimes get to the office with flipflops, jeans with frayed or rolled up ends, ill-fitting sweaters – and always, a ponytail. It’s very seldom that my clothes look crisp and “neat as a pin” (and when they are, my male colleague says, hey, that’s nice, is it new?, so I think people notice). So I’m thinking I should spend a bit of money and establish a ritual of putting together good outfits for my office days.

I need a new pair of pants, loafers and shoes with heels, new tights to go with my skirts, and some nice blouses. Oh, the word blouse alone brings to mind the eighties, but what I mean is something more modern. I guess I can still have fun with clothes and accessoires. And yes, about the unmessy hair there’s little I can do, as I want to let it grow.

As for the reason: I need to have more confidence! I would like to feel less like a student and more like a grownup. This is one way to get there – one of many. And it might even help my career if I project a more professional image.

memory making during holiday in Masuria:
- night swimming with my family, skinny-dipping, floating, rowing around on the lake
- witnessing an intense thunderstorm with relentless thunderbolts which lasted long into the night
- driving a highway in the most awful downpour, doing this for three hours, and never being afraid
- that my little nephews were so smitten with me (awww)
- the Masurian skies
- a road trip kind of thing with my mother, lots of fun!
- realizing that Europe is really so vast (which I sometimes forget) and that a 12-hour train journey takes one to places easily forgotten when back in the midst of everything)
back home:
- looking at my boyfriend and knowing he’s the one
- french kissing on a hectic Monday morning, on the way to work, on an ugly street corner – and getting weak knees
- “zuguterletzt” (this word IS untranslatable): a new person interested in buying the house!

A guy at work offered me a cigarette, asked if I would come along for a smoke. And I heard myself say “ah… no thanks”. (Ha!) I’m glad about that. On the other hand, just one week before I was out for dinner with a girl friend and was (for a minute) sorry that neither of us had cigarettes. It changes like that, from one week to the next. Is it always going to be like that?

Altogether I have smoked on two occasions in the past four weeks, and I wonder how many months, or rather years, will have to pass until smoking is not even an option anymore. What is the time frame I should aim for? Six months didn’t do it for me. A year? Three? At what point do people feel safe?

- diphtheria (ok)
- tetanus (ok)
- pertussis (ok)
- measles (?, get this week)
- mumps (?, get this week)
- rubella (immune, but have to get this again as part of MMR vaccination)
- hepatitis A and B (ask about price)

My small inheritance, which I had hoped would allow me to work less and devote more time to my studies, did not last very long – not long enough at least to get me through the final semester. I could have put the whole sum into a savings account, but a new notebook, the first real vacation since 2003 and some new clothes were in order and I’m glad I could afford them. By now I’m on my personal drawing credit again and it feels bad, but I still tell myself, virtually on a weekly basis: “DON’T earn money, it’s more important to finish university – go and study!” If only I had made the same decision six years ago.