...to this kind of goal. You fear that people will judge you for it, even if you are the most caring person in the world. Such a paradox (caring yet lying) but a liar doesn’t have to be a mean, selfish or bad person. They are most likely to be full of insecurities that they desperately need addressing.
I felt so conscious when I posted this entry more than a week ago but how good was that I did, because I need to be conscious of how I am feeling and what it is making me do (i.e. be secretive).
I’ve been working hard on sorting this problem out and this is an example. My boyfriend did not get a job interview where I work. When back at home that evening, my first, most immediate thought was that “I can’t tell him. It’ll be too painful. I physically cannot ‘give’ him that discomfort”. I was stunned to be aware of my thinking – this is what could have led me to lie, or say nothing at all to avoid telling the difficult truth. Ok, it is a trivial example, considering there can be worse lies, but I was glad I was suddenly aware of the thought process.
As I try to deal with this problem, I am working on being conscious of where and what the triggers are. It follows that I am seeing what the consequences are too.
Now, more than a week on since I posted this entry, I have already learnt a few things. 1. I need to grow myself a sturdier spine (stand up and trust your feelings!); 2. I can TRUST the people I love with my ‘secrets’ and feelings; 3. Truth will never let you down. Lies will always alienate you; 4. By lying, you will NOT protect the people you love or even yourself; they will only hurt even more.
It’s a long way to go still but I’m happier, and happy that I seem to have switched the light on at last.