Brinse

At the momment I am a size 9. Back in October I was a size 11. I’m a whopping 5lbs lighter but I never really cared about how much I weighed because I won’t allow anyone to pick me up : ). So as long as I maintain this size 9 until Saturday, there will be no hamburgers waiting for me. I’m actually treating the family challenge like its going on all year. I want a lifestyle change, not just a dress size.

I’ve been working on this physically. I’m kind of combining the fitness with this one. Not because I think getting thinner will be revenge, because I don’t. I’m doing the fitness thing to get healthy physically and emotionally. How lucky am I to be able to dance a couple of nights a week? It makes me feel so much better after I finish a class. I’m trying to sort things out at work and at home because I think they both deserve my attention. What I went through over the past few months was nothing. It impacted me because I let it. After feeling like the walking dead for a few years, I finally felt alive and with that feeling came a few misguided ones. Things are a little clearer now. So this revenge is against the fool in me.

Maybe I’m not quite over the getting even part. I think that’s a roadblock. I always end up where I started on this roller coaster. I wish it would slow down enough for me to make a safe jump but maybe there is no safe jump. Everytime I think I’m done and I’m ready to start moving on with my life, I slip. I find it hard to get revenge by living well. I guess its because I care enough to get revenge. I don’t want to care. Caring makes me think t’s ok to hang on when it clearly isnt. You don’t get over a cold by hanging out with lots of germy people. You isolate yourself and take good care. I think I need to do that.