Buggheart

I’m feeling the need for a trim but I’m trying to resist it. Since I’ve been using henna to color my hair it is in MUCH better shape and I can’t see a single split end or any damage but it really could use a trim to shape it up a little. Still, I’m going to try to hold out until September when I go on vacation. I can’t believe how long it’s getting! Today it has been exactly 5 months since my last trim and I intend to wait 4 more until trimming again. I love my stylist but she always cuts too much off. I think letting it air dry and not using heated appliances much anymore has helped a lot too.

Just got word that they have a liver for my dad. God bless organ donors. The transplant will take place tonight at 6pm. See you in a few days!

Today he went for more blood tests so that when a liver becomes available, they can do tissue type matches to determine if he is a match for it. He is #1 on the list for his type so he gets the next one that matches as long as his body is strong enough. They could call any time now or they could never call. It all just depends. It feels so weird to sit here and hope for a liver but to know that in order for that to happen someone has to die. It’s a real crossroads kind of state of mind. So now we just wait for the call….

I can hardly believe it. After all these months of testing and almost dying several times, my dad is officially on the liver transplant list. I can’t believe this day has come. Of course someone has to die in order for him to get a liver and that’s horrible and adds to my conflicted feelings about the whole thing. How can I hope that he gets a liver when it means someone else has to die? Someone who maybe took good care of his or her body. Or if he will get a liver before someone else that needs it just because they have liver disease that wasn’t brought on by their own stupidity and that person will die waiting? He may never get one but he’s on the list. It’s weird to even think about the whole thing and that we’re “that” close. And it’s weird to think of the many times he’s been at death’s door but somehow held on and rose like a phoenix from his own ashes. An old, sick phoenix, but a phoenix nonetheless.

Today on my day off my brother and I helped our mom clean out her storage room for my dad. They live in a very old house that was built in the mid 1800s so it doesn’t have a basement. There is a room on the main level that my mom uses as her room for storing all the crap that people normally store in their basement or attic. Well today we cleaned 32 years of crap out of there so we can move my dad’s hospital bed in. He can no longer do the stairs to sleep up there in his own bed so we ordered a hospital bed. Sigh. This sucks.

OK so I actually started learning archery about 2 months ago when I attended the Becoming an Outdoors Woman (BOW) event but that’s when I got hooked. Archery was one of the events I did that weekend and I did so well that the instructor gave me an award. I contacted him the next week and bought my own bow, arrows, and complete set of stuff to shoot in my basement.

Well tonight I started his official class and it turns out I’m the only one on the class! He said no one else signed up so basically I’m getting private lessons. It’s so much fun! Can’t wait til next week. :)

I took a class in Indian cooking about 3 years ago and it was so worth it. In fact, I’m cooking Indian for dinner on Tuesday. The dish I’m making is kind of labor intensive so I started it tonite and will eat it on Tuesday. Try it, you’ll love it! A good way to try Indian food is to find a restaurant in your area that does a buffet. Most of the ones here in the Detroit area have a lunch buffet for about eight bucks during the week and a little more on weekends. It’s a great way to try lots of different things so you can find out what you like.

My mom tells me this nearly every day. One day she’s positive about my dad’s health situation, the next she’s not. Yesterday she was positive, today she is not. I understand that he is getting weaker by the day and things change by the hour. That sucks and I can hardly stand it. We still don’t know if he’s even eligible to be on the list. He had the cardiac cath on Friday and his pulmonary artery pressure was high. That may keep him off the list until he can get to yet another specialist and get medication to bring the pressure down. They may put him on the list regardless. Who knows. He may die waiting for a liver. Tomorrow I’m going to help my mom clean out the room on the main floor of their house that they use for storage. She wants to put a hospital bed in there for him as he can’t take the stairs anymore. Part of me wants to scream. Part of me wants to roll myself up into a ball and cry. Most of me just wants to sleep for a really long time and wake up when it’s all over. Every step forward results in two steps back and much stress and exhaustion. There’s really nothing I can do about any of this and it’s such a hopeless feeling.

But I’m still angry.

I did it about 2 years ago and it was one of the best things I ever did for myself. I am SOOO happy with the results.

My dad was always a fairly heavy drinker from as far back as I can remember but it didn’t really become a problem until 1991 when he had a seizure while riding in the car with my brother. He had gone on a huge bender while my mom was away on business then abruptly stopped drinking heavily when she came back home. I was about 20 at the time and doing a lot of partying of my own so I didn’t even notice what he was doing as I had not been close with my parents for years because they were total jerks to me. I just wanted to do everything I could to be as far away from the as possible. Anyway, luckily he was riding in the car and not driving and my brother got him to the hospital where they took care of him. We were all shocked and surprised that his drinking had gotten so out of control but we dealt with it as best as possible. Which meant that my mom was in total denial and invented health problems to cover up the real cause of his illnesses. I’ve always been pretty wide open and honest about it. It’s an addiction, it sucks, he’s very ill because of it and people need to know that it’s a really sucky thing.

So now over 15 years later my dad is dying. For the last 3 years he’s had issues with his blood. Then last summer the blood problem got worse and he started going wacky in the head. Turns out he’s been drinking all this time and lying about it. My mom, as usual, was completely shocked. My brother and I, not so much. We could tell that he’d been drinking and lying but mom was in denial and dad was not interested in getting healthy so brother and I just stopped dealing with it. Last summer his doctor finally told him that he needed to admit that he’s an alcoholic and go to rehab. Mom of course freaked out and coddled him and basically did everything she could to avoid him going to rehab. She’s 30% of the problem, IMHO. He did ultimately agree to go and was there for 3 weeks but mom would not participate. Her attitude is absolutely maddening. But he needed to get thru it to get clean and eventually apply to get on the liver transplant list. He almost died twice last June and I literally had all my black clothes dry cleaned as I was sure I’d need them for the funeral within a matter of weeks.

So he made it thru rehab. It was a rough start but he improved within just a few days and has been sober since July of last year. And not a moment too soon. His health has been steadily declining since last summer and I’m shocked that he is still alive. In addition to that, I got my dad back. The man who I had grown so far from, the man I remember from when I was a little kid, is back. The man who had been nothing but the lump of grump that lived with my mother for the last 10 years changed back into the man I remember 25 years ago. It was absolutely amazing.

But he is dying. His health changes by the hour. He desperately needs a new liver and has been going thru the process of testing and counseling that is needed to determine if he is a candidate. He had the last test on Friday and we’ll find out on Tuesday if he is officially on the list. His scores indicate that he is in dire need and is likely to rocket right up to the top, but his health is so fragile that he may not live thru the surgery. It’s a very delicate situation.

So why do I need to make peace with his health? Because my feelings are so conflicted. Yes, he’s my dad and deep down inside I love him and want him to get a new liver and live out the rest of his life in better condition than he is now. But the other side of me is just pissed. He saw the warning signs over 15 years ago but chose to lie, and deny and do nothing about it. And now here he is during the time when he and my mom should be traveling and enjoying their grandson but they cannot because every waking moment is spent medicating or taking him to doctors and all he does is sleep. Someone has to die in order for my dad to get an organ and then I think to myself does he deserve it? He didn’t take care of the one he had, why should he just get a new one when someone who has liver disease for no apparent reason may get bumped down because my dad’s scores are so high. I’m just so confused right now.

Well I made it thru the first 2 episodes that first night and haven’t watched any more since. I think I just don’t really give a damn anymore. Or maybe the idea of sitting thru 355 episodes of something is just too daunting. Not sure, but I don’t think I’m going to accomplish this goal.

I started using LUSH caca marron and rouge about 3 months ago and I’m truly amazed at how good it looks and how amazing my hair feels! It is so freaking shiny and healthy that I can hardly believe this hair is growing out of MY head. I’ll never go back to chemical hair dyes again. It takes a long time and is messy but it’s totally worth it.

It’s probably totally cheating to state this as a goal now that I’m reading the last book, but it’s still a goal. I started reading the series in 1999 and got to The Fiery Cross finally last year before I realized that I had forgotten sooo much of the previous books and had no idea what was going on. So I started over last summer with book one and am finally reading the last book. The series is awesome but there are so many twists and characters that it’s hard to keep them straight.

In September of 2005 my hair was pretty long. Like about 2 inches from my bra strap. I went on a cruise to new england and the whole time my hair whipped around and got stuck in my lipstick and just generally drove me nuts. Then when I got home and returned to work a bunch of crazy crap was happening there and I just went nuts and chopped it all off. It looked cute but I immediately regretted it and started to grow it back out again but about 5 months later I went for a trim and the freaking hosebeast stylist hacked it so bad that it took 3 more cuts and nearly a year to get any decent shape back.

It’s not pretty long again but I haven’t cut it since November of 2006 and do not intend to until at least August. I am determined to grow it out long, like almost down to my waist, with layers for movement. I. Am. Determined.

Got the first disc from Netflix today and we’re watching the first episode as I type. One down, 355 to go.

Saw them in June of 2005 at the House of Blues in Cleveland and it was AMAZING! The great thing about that small venue is that I was able to get there early and stake out a spot right in front of the stage and I was able to meet and greet with the band afterwards. Not only was the concert completely incredible, they are all super nice guys. My friend and I talked with Wil Dog for about 20 minutes before the show.