CI0001

i feel just so stuck. i keep going up and down and up and down. the cycle never ends. in the start of this year- aug/sept- i lost a good amount of weight. about 15 pounds. i was really happy with myslef. i was working out a lot and eating very little- not by choice i jsut have a sllowwww metabolism and really bad hypothyrodism so i have to be exact with my diet. however, i am suchhhh an extremist. im also a social eater. when im around people- i jsut constantly eat if they are. and by being an extremist- i go through serious ups and downs. if i eat a muffin in the morning-which is veryyyy rare and recent, ive already decided for myself that ive ruined my day n iw ill then proceed to eat a millllllion other terrible things for me bc i will designate it as a binge day. recently though, ive been having only binge days. sometimes i will allow myself certain days to binge and then the next week ill go back on my diet- switching to a different extreme. its so hard. food is a love and hate relationship for me. I either eat everything in site or nothing and it kills me because i want to be thin so badly. ive always been the chubbier one in my family. my brothers never really cared but my sisters both care about their weight as well as my mother which makes me care. plus, two of my good friends have eating disorders and are super thin. i jsut cant force myself to have a disorder as much as i would almost like to. i just cant do that to myself. every night though after i binge for the day, i jsut want to break down and cry bc im so upset with myself. i always proclaim that tomorrow wil be better but some how the cycle keeps going. in a couple weeks im going away somewhere warm and i just deicded that i need to be in shape. however, now that i actually realy need to, i jsut cant stick to it. i dont even know what to do. its become so hard…