CTcupcake

He doesn’t love me and I love him. Time to move on…has been for a long time. just can seem to do it. Not sure if it’s because I haven’t met anyone who interests me or if it’s that I am closed down. Emotionally dead in a way. I just don’t understand how people can be so “on again/off again”. My love is real. My love is forever. I just don’t hand it out to anyone. Having it thrown aside really hurts. It made me wonder what made me so valueless? What is wrong with me? If he doesn’t want me then who would? I am pass that way of thinking but the fact that he still lingers in my life breaks my heart. He now has a new GF but remains friends with me. He knows how I feel but still rejects me. Still all the while keeping me by a thread. I know I should write him off but a part of me wants to be with him so badly that I just can’t let go. instead I remain alone with my tears in love with a ghost in a home we once shared. God that was depressing. I guess I am technically grieving so that counts as a step to getting over my ex. Someone agree with me because I need to laugh and I can’t see through all these tears!

I have a quit date set for Jan 10. I have tried many methods for quitting. I hope this one does the trick. I am so tired of smoking but I feel locked into the act as well. I need a lifestyle change and I am working on it. I hate being a slave to my addictions. I want to control my life not be controlled by things in it. Can you tell I was giving myself a pep talk there at the end??

I went on line and found this cool show called a gazillion bubbles. I bought 2 of the best tickets and will pick them up at the box office. Now I HAVE to go!! I am excited to have some quality time with my daughter. Taking the train for the first time and walking around the city should be an adventure in itself. It’s funny that I think I played a trick on myself. If I went to plan something like this it would never happen so we now have an adventure to look forward to so I feel like I am working on one thing on my list!