CagedPromise

and it feels amazing!!!!! I spent what were supposed to be some of the most beautiful years of my life (my 30’s) as the invisible woman. Not either thin or obese enough to be noticed.

Well I’m back and I feel fantastic!! Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t about the superficial. It’s about being able to move again. About being able to walk up a flight of steps without having to stop at the top to catch my breath. About knowing I feel stronger every day. I love that strength! I always have. I love feeling muscles working under flesh; feeling in simpatico with my body. Knowing that if I need my body to respond at a moment’s notice it both can… and will.

I can dance again.

And I do. Oh, how I do!

I’ve created a journal for my journey. It’s listed under CagedPromise on LiveJoural.com if anyone cares to be grossed out ;) It’s private so far so anyone that did want to read it (although I can’t imagine why anyone would) would have to e-mail me here or there to ask for permission. I’m in no great hurry to put on display what a slovenly pig I am for all the world to see. Nope, not a maschocist. I have enough guilt and shame to start my own religion and don’t need more heaped into that already fetid pot. But I digress….

I’ve begun! YAY ME!

Please, Please, PRETTY PLEASE WITH A TECHNICOLOR NEON RED MARISCHINO F*CKING CHERRY ON TOP let this be the trip that takes!!!!!

...and that means it’s time to take stock of what I’m putting into my body. I weighed myself today and I’m up to 15 st. 6 lbs. That’s horrible and I feel awful!!! Not ashamed awful (although that is minorly a factor) so much as bodily/physically awful. I feel rotten all the time and I can feel my body dying around me.

So I’m going to give myself this week to keep a log of my food intake. I’m not going to overeat, I’m not going to under-eat; I’m going to eat as I do on a normal/usual basis and keep track of everything I take in. I think this will be a useful exercise for a couple of reasons. Firstly it will give me a window into what I overeat, as well as when, and why. That won’t be so much insight as full disclosure. I know I eat too much. I know when and (for the most part) why I eat too much; but when you have the cold hard stats on a page in front of you it’s a lot harder to ignore that what you’re doing isn’t ok.

Secondly it will give me a manual to refer to when I’m having a difficult time remembering how not to eat.

Number 2 on my list of things to do is to go on a 30 day raw food diet in 1 week. I need to detox. I need it desperately. Which is why these two items are above “Be a Good Mother to My Daughter”; I can’t be a good mother to her if I’m not healthy (it makes a horrible/hypocritical example) and I’d make an even worse mother if I were dead young from something so preventable as overeating. How disgusting a legacy that would be to leave her with.

So there it is. I have a week to say goodbye to my unhealthy frenimy. Not food mind you, but overeating. I’m certainly on no fast track to disordered eating (that’d make for just as bad an example for my daughter).

Fingers and toes crossed. This isn’t (even close to) the first time I’ve been on this path. Hopefully there will be a positive reason for it being my last.

I’m wishing myself luck!!!