CannedMan

I thought, or hoped, that I was through with this forever, after twenty-or-so years ending with two years getting out of hell.

Now my mindset is steadily getting worse. As I posted previously, it’s been going on for some time. I just want to feel happy all through the day again. I want to feel like things are going well. I want to feel joy.

The worst thing is that I know what it takes to get there, but I somehow cannot manage to do it. Is this something that will haunt me for the rest of my life?

I’ve chosen life. I did this some months ago, and things have been going the right way for me, steadily, since then.

These past days, however, I’ve been contemplating about life and death, and today, as part of my job, I saw a human skull for the first time (we were preparing a grave for a funeral the coming Thursday). It wasn’t horrifying or anything like that, but I must admit that it was a bit uncomfortable, and mostly because it got me thinking of where I’ve been and where I am mentally. I am afraid that I’ll once again loose myself in a horrible downfall towards suicidality. Have any of you experienced this thoughtpattern – being afraid that you’ll start thinking selfdestructive thoughts again. – after thinking all’s well?

I’ve gotten one, and I now know what my next one’ll be. It’ll be on my right forearm, and it’ll say “Taekwon-do: The Art of Life” in korean. I’d like it to be written vertically, even though korean usually is written horizontally today. Babelfish thinks it translates like this:
태궏도 (Taekwon-do)
생활의 예술 (saeng-hwar-wi ye-sul)

If there are anyone out there who speaks korean natively, I’d appreciate comments from you. As far as I’m able to tell, this means something like “The art of the comforts of life”, which is not exactly what I’m looking for.”