Ceslater

trying to hold onto the hope that the future can be better.



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Recover from my eating disorder
Seeing ED team

Wednesday I had my first proper meeting with someone from the ED team since 2008. It was hard and today has been really hard, it’s brought up way more stuff than I thought it would. I am going to have 6 more sessions with them based on the idea of ‘Guided self help’ and then we’ll review where we are. They want me to do the day program because they said the severity of my ED means their clinical recomendations would be no less than the level of IP or day patient. It was weird to hear someone say ‘you’re ED is severe’...you split. Part of you feels that you are in deep shit…the ED part tells you you’ve done well. She also said I am playing russian roulette, that I could drop dead or have a heart attack or brain hemmorrage. I know all these things, I’ve always known, so why the hell doesn’t it help me beat the ED, why does it push me further in?
I hate my ED compleatly, I hate all it’s done. I want it out of my head. It’s worse than it’s ever been and I’ve tried so hard to get it out of my head but failed every time. I’ve come so far in every other way but it’s got worse and worse and worse. I hate that I’ve failed.
My next appointment is next wednesday. I’ve done all the things I was asked to do before next meeting. I hope so much that this time I can beat it, I wish it would shut up in my head.



Go for my Asperger's syndrome diagnosis
in for the long haul

I will write more about this later, still waiting for the NHS to get back to me. I talked about it to my T on wednesday, I said I was scared to trust it until someone officially ‘diagnosis’ it. She said that some people self diagnose because they can’t afford the assessment. She said that I need to accept that it is very likely I will be diagnosed as having Asperger’s and to use that knowledge to help things now.
That made things feel a bit better.
I feel safe in my routine and rituals, I’m learning how to use those things to calm me when I meltdown. Finding out about ASD has been the biggest breakthrough I’ve ever had, nothing has ever made sense to me and it’s like someone has given me the key to myself. I am a hugely introspective person but I have suprisingly little insight into myself…I don’t recognise my characteristics until someone points it out…
For the first time I can work out why I am heading into meltdown and sometimes I can even work out how to calm myself or how to prevent it. For the first time I am actually learning how to slow myself down when i am getting over stimulated, I am also learning how to speed myself up when I am too slow. That’s amazing, that’s never happened ever before.
I am also learning a few social pointers I never knew before. My T used to work with people with Autism and she is helping me with unwritten social rules…in the last few weeks I’ve learnt things like:
- not to correct people’s grammer
- not to interfere with strangers in supermarkets…whilst I may think I am being helpful it’s actually none of my business
- that unless the circumstance is special I shouldn’t talk about my special interests for a very long time, that timing myself for 2 minutes on my phone is helpful and after that I change the subject.
- that even though I know someone is wrong, sometimes I need to just leave the subject and walk away from it because it’s not any of my business.
These are things I really didn’t get before.



recover from bulimia (read all 2 entries…)
Hard week...

It’s been a very hard week. On tuesday I went for a meeting with the man who runs the ED day centre in my county. He used to run the program at the hospital I was in numerous times between 2006 and 2008. Despite the horrific times in that hospital. he is one of only two people I remember wioth any fondness.
He said it was wonderful to see how much progress I have made in terms of where I am at even though the ED is as bad as it’s ever been. He kept of reaffirming that which was helpful and I was very greatful to him for that. It makes me know I have come far and that the hard work has been worth it, I know I have to hold onto that. However, the program cannot cater for the other problems I have (mainly the yet undiagnosed but very likely Asperger’s syndrome) and he associated problems that go with that such as the sensory problems and OCD related issues. If I refuse a single meal or vomit a single time whilst at the unit, I’ll be asked to leave. I will not be able to use any of the listed behaviours at the table. Everything other than a short once a week meeting with the nutritionist will have to be discussed infront of the group, you aren’t allowed any individual time with the group leaders. This isn’t going to be something that for me is conducive to recovery and the guy I had the meeting with didn’t think it would be for me either. He was very appologetic but did offer to meet with me again, as many times if that would help.
I feel very dissapointed. I ahd hoped I would be able to go and that they would be able to help me. I hate my bulimia so much and would love to recover from it. However, I need help to do that. I haven’t eaten meals other than hospital for almost a decade, I purge pretty much everything now and face immense physical discomfort when I try to retain meals.
I am also terrified of foods and even more terrified of digesting food. I’ve had feeding problems since birth and need help to come to terms with this.
The county I live in will only fund the day centre and the day centre can’t help me because they can’t deal with comorbidity which is the main problem for me.
I’ve not given up though, I am a fighter and I will find a way out of this.



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