Christinelove10

I have O positive blood. It is hard for them to find my veins for one. I also get squeemish. If I could do it just once, I would feel accomplished~!

I want to fall in love more then anything in the world. I have experienced childlike enthusiasm though heartbreak looking for it. I am burnt out. I know I am worthy of it, but I am convinced that “I” am not going to find it. It is out there for me but so long as “I” amd looking and focusing on this particular goal it is not comming. I also know that if you want something bad enough then you need to make room for it in your lives. I am in a good place for it but it could be better. I like to think of it soart of the same way I would look at pregnancy. There is no doubt in my mind that something huge is on it’ts way. I am excided and blessed and know that for better or worse this is going to affect my life in a way more huge then I can imagine. freating over it like I have done is about as productive as watching paint dry. Instead, I am going to prepare my life for this huge wonderful change. I am going to start nesting, while making sure I am healthy enough to welcome the wonderful change to my life so I am well enough to keep it thriving and happy. I am getting rid of vices that are not adding to my vision of my wonderful new addition. I often think about how greatful I will be, and I can feel that in every part of me, especially when I see it in other people. I also notice now how much I am learnining in contrast what I truly wnat and dont want. I realize also that though good relationships I have had, bad ones, through friends and people at work, I am provided constant examples of what I want. I do believe I deserve it, and I believe there is someone out there who is looking for me too. I am greatful that I have come to this place. I will let it come to me now. It feels nice to let go. the love I was looking for was more heavy then I think it should be. Holding on to it as hard as I had has made me bitter at times too, and that should not be any part of the process. no, I relese it. I am letting go and letting God.

When you crochet you are making something with a piece of yourself. It is a great relese. I like to meditate and think of the end result and how this peice will be in someones life years from now. When I started I learned the basic chain, and 3 stiches. From there I have made pillows, blankets, hats, botties, dolls. I love that I can touch peoples lives with something I have made.

I may not believe in the things most people do when they think of Tarot Cards, but that doesn’t mean they can’t be useful. I recently bought a deck of cards and following the instructions I found that it basicly gives me the oppertunity to focus on a specific issue. It is like reading your horoscope. You just need alittle direction some times. I think also it is a good conversation topic. I like that if I needed to I could just whip out a deck and read someones fortune.

I fear I am so focused on the concept of being married agiain. It is important to note that I knew nothing other then marriage so, yes I would say I am trying to fill a void. While this is still on my list….I think I need to focus on other things. What I do need to do is accept that I am worthy of love. I need to understand that someone worthwile is out there for me. I do not need to change myself or settle for anything less. There is enough for me to have what is right for me. I don’t need to obsess about it, I just need to be ready to recieve it.

I know it may not be my time yet or that I may not be in the right place, but I wish so badly that I could be in love. I fear that the love I had before was not what it is supposed to be. I am terrified to give my self without obligation but I thirst for it so badly. I know I will be ready some day…I just hope that day is comming soon. I will be greatfull for it and blessed every day. it will come when it is time to I am sure.

I have decided to get a lawyer. For the most part this will not be a contested divorce but every time i look at that paperwork it makes me sick! So here is my Step 1-Get a lawyer. To do this I will on monday make a list of divorce lawyers and on Tuesday and Wednesday I am going to call and make appointments. I have found some places charge just to meet with you and talk it over, and some dont. I will set appointments with those who dont. I know what I want I just need someone to lead the way though this forest of paperwork i have never been though before. someone who does not have any sort of emotional attachment who can help me get this over with, like ripping a bandaid off. I am so excided that soon this will be done with. I have a treat for myself when I am done. a cd I am dying to listen to. I am not letting myself listen to it untill I have a lawyer. It will be done with soon and I will be greatfull for my endurance. I will be stronger when all is said and done! Yay!!

I belong to curves but because of all the personal garbage going on i havent been going. I am committed to going after work on monday. I will make sure I have my water and my shoes with me so there is no excuse!. It is up to me to take control. no one is going to make me but myself. its all for the better. Also I am going to be eating more fiber and protein for breakfast as opposed to just a quick apple out the door. eating healthy is part of loosing weight. 130 Lbs Here I come!

It is time for me to start taking controle. I know what needs to be done and I need to now step up to the plate and do it. If not for me but for my boys. It is more then just looking good(although i totally intend on being seriously hot once this is accomplished) I need to be able to run a mile without stopping, i need to be able to keep up with my boys. If i am at 130 i will be healthy and it will keep me here for my boys and me. I will be happier, i will love life more if i have the ablility to live it the way God intended me to. I was not put here to be overweight. Weight is not who i am it is what i have become. I have to get back to me. Back to the person who matters and be able to live the life i was ment to, weighing 130 lbs