CougarSpirit

I feel I should go towards the mountains tomorrow. I just have a feeling…

And my brain is wracking itself trying to find an excuse to go back. Extremely hard to not go back right now. I miss it. Or rather, I am trying to convince myself I miss it. It’s insane. I can’t believe two weeks after smoking my last cigarette I am actually starting to really feel psychological withdrawal. I guess I was really good at distracting myself. But lately I’ve been trying not to.<woah…”But lately I’ve been trying not to.” I wrote that without thinking. I wrote that subconsciously. So I guess I just figured out why I’m going through hell lately! I was really distracting myself with doing healthy things for the past week or so but then I tried to not distract myself anymore so I would get stressed and relapse. I know. It sounds nutty. But somehow it makes sense to me. So, I really need to figure this out before I DO relapse. It’s getting harder and harder to remind myself that I’m not thinking straight when I start to say “I miss smoking or I am stressed so I’m going to fail so I might as well smoke”. I mean, I’ve been able to just remind myself, “Cougar, you aren’t thinking. You’re making a very bad choice.” But it’s getting harder. So, why am I trying to not be good at distracting myself? Why? It’s like I make a big effort to sabotage myself. Maybe that’s it. Haha, then I think “see? You can’t quit smoking right now. You have to first stop sabotaging yourself before you can quit!” which is ofcourse ridiculous. It’s like Jekyll n Hyde. Behind every statement my Jekyll side makes lurks Hyde saying different. Example:
Jekyll says: ” then I think “see? You can’t quit smoking right now. You have to first stop sabotaging yourself before you can quit!” which is ofcourse ridiculous.”
Hyde says: ” then I think “see? You can’t quit smoking right now. You have to first stop sabotaging yourself before you can quit!” which is why I have to smoke.”
Utterly crazy, but utterly true!

It’s so hard to eat vegetarian! I’m such a carnivore. But I have managed to cook and eat as a herbivore… nearly. Except for cheese and milk. And eggs. And fish! You can’t take it all from me! So far I’ve made sauteed eggplant and butternut squash risotto. I’m going to make a tofu dish tomorrow.