CrashRhinoceros

Today I was traveling south over the Golden Gate Bridge in to San Francisco at about 5:50pm when I noticed a bunch of police cars with their lights flashing on the northbound side by the south tower. Someone had just jumped.

This one of several times I have been crossing the bridge just when someone was jumping or had just jumped. Another time, my family and I were crossing northbound just when someone jumped. The police shut down traffic both ways as they crossed the road and sought to find out where the person landed.

Today, the jumper didn’t do it right. He or she jumped out over the water. Usually, a person will survive for a little while, and suffer extreme pain as they drown. Not a pleasant death. Some years ago, a rather well-known radio talk show host jumped from the south side. His body landed square in the middle of the Fort Point parking lot. Smack. Dead on impact. No suffering. That’s the way to do it.

I have thought a lot about how I would want to go from the bridge. First, I would climb over the railing on the east side (because that’s the most pleasant side with the view – nobody ever jumps from the west side). Then with one hand I would hang on to the railing and lean back over the water as far as I could. With the other hand I would put my Smith & Wesson Model 29 .44 magnum revolver to my head. And then I would pull the trigger.

My lifeless body would immediately plummet in to the waves below. I would be dead long before ever hitting the water. I’d make sure to fill my pants pockets with lead weights or something. Maybe I’d tie a few ten-pounders around my waist for good measure. Wouldn’t want anyone to be troubled with my body, now would I?

Yep. If I was going to do it from the bridge, that’s how I’d do it. I’d even load a few special bullets just to make sure the job was done well.

When I got to the toll booth, I said to the toll taker, “Looks like you’ve got another jumper.” He seemed like a friendly guy. He replied, “Oh yes. I think you’re right sir.” And then I laughed. And not just a chuckle. I laughed loud and hard. I know he heard me laughing even as I revved the engine and sped away. Perhaps he thought I was some sort of sick-o.

I’m not a sick-o. I’m just the guy who sticks up for the ones who have the courage to do it. Once they’re gone, they can’t be self-advocates. Somebody has to do it.

And so I will. Until it’s my turn.

...I’d never know it. I get chest pains these days. I have for a few years now. Some say it’s acid reflux, and they may be right. But sometimes, the pains don’t go away for a while. It really hurts. And it gets me to thinking. What if I suffered a heart attack right there? What if those odd pains in my head (those pains of which I never, ever speak) are actually pre-aneurysm warnings? What if I suffered a fatal aneurysm? The answer? I’d never know it. One moment I’d be here and the next moment I’d be gone. Just like that.

People would miss me. My family, my friends, my wife. But they’d all get over it and move on. I love them all very much. But if I winked out, I wouldn’t miss them. For me, there is no after-life. Just nothing.

I suppose these days I am living only to meet the expectation of others. And I’m actually doing a good job. But I long for that day I leave this place.

I haven’t felt love in years. In truth, I haven’t felt much of anything.

I learned about death at the grand old age of three. My grandmother imparted just a smidge of information to me (that God takes us away some day). I left the room and eventually was put to bed. And then, some time later, all of the family members still in the house (upstairs, enjoying the after-dinner conversation) were shaken by an immense screaming from downstairs. When they all rushed down, they found me, in my bed, screaming at the top of my little lungs “I DON’T WANT TO DIE!” I eventually calmed down.

I have now had 33 years to work on this problem troubling me, and I have come to the following 2-part conclusion: 1) If we are all to die, and nothing exists for us there-after, then life is not worth the trouble living. 2) If we are all to die, and there exists an after-life, then we should just get right to the point. If we don’t, we are simply marionettes, dancing in pain for the joy of others.