I’ve been researching asexuality lately. I’m beginning to think I might identify as demisexual or graysexual. I do like sex, sortof. But I also seriously, deeply enjoy NOT having sex. I like the freedom I have in a world where I need not worry about anyone else’s sexual opinion or needs concerning me because I’m just not connected that way.
I have a lot of trouble defining my own sexuality to myself. I know it must be hella confusing for anyone who would ever want to be in a relationship with me. I used to be willing to do pretty much any sexual thing with anyone I was in a relationship with, and I thought that was fine. But often it seemed “not quite good enough” for them to know I was willing, but not actively pursuing sex. They wanted me to want them, not just “participate”. Personally, I thought that was plain greedy of them. If I’m giving you all the ACTIONS you request, why must you encroach on my FEELINGS/THOUGHTS as well?
I think guys have often been mad at me, feeling somehow like I had an unfair advantage since I had the thing they wanted, but they didn’t have an equivalent thing I wanted. I think they wanted to use my sexual desire to manipulate me, though I never used their sexual desires to manipulate them. The truth is, I just wanted love. I wanted affection, and cuddling, and protection, and friendship, and financial solidarity, and parenting help. But sex was just optional to me. I generally don’t feel deprived for not having it.
About once or twice a month I get a sexual urge that bothers me enough that I have to “deal with it”. It feels like a sort of maintenance, rather than like anything even vaguely relationshippy. I’m as likely during these moments to be thinking of nothing in particular, or thinking of a woman, or an alien, or a natural process like a river or something as I am to be thinking of a man. Yet I still consider myself basically straight… sort of. Mostly. Kind of.
I just found the online asexuality forum AVEN, and a documentary on Netflix called (A)Sexual, and a YouTuber named SwankIvy. These are helping me learn more about this brand-new movement to identify and help introduce language to people with different attitudes towards sexuality than others. Having no words to describe it, having no discussion about it, it makes me feel like my experience is not just not validated, but is erased from being a part of public reality. Adding these new concepts into the mix to raise awareness grants a certain hope of possible acceptance.
I do still want love. I need relationships. I need friends, and I want to have romance. I want someone to cuddle, and I have so much adoration I could shower on someone! But in my ideal scenario my “someone” would be someone who was rather like me, instead of someone so hyper-sexual that they could not appreciate or accept me for being different. I would not want to be put again into a position where I am somehow made to feel guilty for being who I am, wanting what I want, giving what I am able to give.
I don’t know whether it will be possible for me to get involved with the asexual community, though. It is estimated there might only be 1% of the population that might identify this way, and it isn’t like there are any “Asexual” bars out there. I would like to join a meetup or something, just to have a chance to feel the energy in a room full of people NOT all thinking on some level about trying to get each others’ pants. I would love to strike up close, intimate friendships with both men and women, and not have to worry that they are obviously going to lead to sex sooner or later and be blamed for being a tease if that’s not where I want to go.
I’m not sure what my next steps may be. More research, I suppose. There is a lot to think about here.