So I won’t be going to as many places as I thought I would. There were some unforseen expenses that ate a bit into my money but that’s OK. For four days I’ll be in Salem, MA and I’ll visit Boston as well. Then because of expenses for hotels and such I’ll be checking out Nov.1st.
Since I have almost a week before returning to work, my friend offered me the ability to have a ‘staycation’ at her house so I don’t have to go back home right away and be with my family (Did that sound bad? haha.). The plan right now is after Nov.1st I think I’ll take another day or two on the road sleeping in my car and just driving and visiting places. Perhaps Connecticut since it’s so close to Massacheusettes.
My car has all new tires and the transmission fluid and oils have all been replaced. New brake line after my old one blew out on the mechanic when he was taking it for a test drive to find out what exactly the noise the brakes were making was. Hotels are already booked and by the time it is ready for me to leave, I should have 1,000 dollars saved up which will be more than enough for 5 days.
I’m so excited and time trickles on just as slow as ever to make me wait even longer.
and I’m no closer then I was before. If anything I think I might believe less as time goes on.
It’s weird though. Part of me thinks there is still something out there but I can’t find it and I don’t know what to do. I think I’ll e-mail my cousin and my friend. My cousin is really close with me and is an atheist so it’ll be interesting to listen to how he came to that conclusion. My friend was pagan but became atheist and…for lack of better words, came out on the other side again as pagan. How the fuck did she do that? I just don’t see the point in it all anymore.
I almost never pray, some days I think I get an inkling of something and then most days I feel nothing at all. I want to take part in rituals and holidays but I don’t see the point and get so apathetic about it. Doesn’t help that the house I live in is almost oppressively Christian and the people I live with are assholes. I can’t wait to get out of this house.
Sometimes I feel like crying.
but there is a little yellow man by a house near a beach I sometimes visit at night. But he’s so big though, it’s one of those men that say slow. :p Poo!
Who the hell has a gnome anymore?
It’d be even funnier if I could find one, or something smallish and suitable in a different state and then mailed it back to them. XD
you continue to elude me. Everything else is caught up though. :p
Wanted to get more but my internet is being a douchebag. I’ll try again later.
Especially since i completed my goal of abstaining from sweets, soda and fast food for a year. But as healthy as my eating habits have become after that year, it could still use a lot more tweaking, so I think I’ll leave this up.
Also it would be good for a reminder to stay on track and pick healthy options whenever available. I also know that unless I move out of my mom’s house, it’s going to be hard sometimes to eat exactly how I want.
I think in a month or two I’ll re-evaluate how my eating habits are and think about if I want to put this as a goal achieved or not.
But then I was cleaning out my e-mails and thought I had deleted what few of his I have left. Almost felt like I was going to have a panic attack for a moment before I realized I didn’t. ...I don’t know if this is a step down or not.
On the plus side I think of him less and less as the days go by. And when I think of him I am not so angry anymore.
I was doing well for a while and now I’m crap at it again. I’ve been so late in such a short amount of time that tomorrow they have suspended me for the day for latenesses. At least I’m not fired.
So we start anew on Wednesday.
And this will be done. Feels weird for some reason. But awesome.
Salem, MA for Halloween, then to Boston, MA and then to Cleveland, OH before going back home. I think I’ll take a week and half off as well instead of just a week. Because fuck it that’s why, and I need to get the hell out of here.
I’m so happy, the window in the car is fixed and so is the flooring. My mechanic said there was a little hole in the floor that he sealed up and that’s where the water was coming from. Also by the first week of December I should have enough money and be able to replace my cars two front tires. So all the tires will be new. I still need to put a container of damp rid or whatever it’s called in the car though.
Now just to save up money, I’m so excited! I think I’ll book hotels about two or four months ahead of time, that way I’ll know for sure how much money I’ll have to deal with. So now I just have to save save save!
But I have started going to the gym regularly. Ok so it’s only been a week, but still, I’m doing it! :p
I have decided that Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays shall be my gym days since I have the most time off on those days. I love the fact that Planet Fitness is open 24 hours 5 days a week. It’s so awesome.
I’m also hoping that this will help me with becoming more self confidant, mainly because not to many of my friends are able to go with me and I sometimes get nervous and panicky in social or public situations where I have to do things by myself. But I really want to take a vacation next year….alone. I mean what am I going to do? Drive halfway to Ohio and then back home because I got scared of being alone?
My first trip to PF was very nerve wracking. I cried in my car for like five minutes in my parking spot because nobody could go with me and then had to take another ten minutes to calm myself down and make sure that it didn’t look like I was crying, lol. But when I actually got on the treadmill and got into the groove I realized nobody was actually paying attention to me and it was all in my head, and it felt OK and I was able to do the curcuit and concentrate on my workout.
I still have to calm myself down before going inside for a bit, but I’m getting better at it AND I’m still going in by myself and working out for about an hour…45 minutes, give or take. So yay for me and screw you to my social anxieties! lol.
I shall have only two more months to go! :D Woohoo!
however I’d have to keep it secret from my mom because she’d make me quit since I’m living under her roof…for now.
I might just become a sex phone operator. They’re making 12.50 per hour and I think I could totally do this. I find it hilarious and have no problem with getting people off for that amount of money (man that sounds bad!). Besides I’ve worked for Love Craft before so I don’t see it as a big deal. I think it’s a bit of a step up from porn peddling. _
But I do know one thing. I am surprisingly well on my way to doing it. I logged into aim a couple of nights ago for the first time in literal years and noticed that his sn was on my buddy list and I wasn’t blocked. I knew he didn’t recognize my sn since it had been so long since I had used aim.
I was going to cuss him out up one way and down another and this time make sure he got my messages. Ask him how he can work on trust issues with someone and know them for eight years and talk about marriage and kids and then just stop talking to them. Maybe it was my fault for getting in a long distance relationship to begin with, but oh well.
All I did was remind him who I was and ask if he had gotten rid of any …hmm…pictures I may have sent him. He ignored my questions and didn’t im back and I wrote a sentence or two more and that was it.
It finally hit me that I just didn’t care. I didn’t want to waste anymore precious energy of mine caring about him anymore, after all the shit he’s put me through.
I’m just going to take this as fuel for me to become even more successfull and fulfill my dreams of being a famous writer/artist. To quote the Dresden Dolls song ‘Good Day’- ‘I want to do more than just survive, I want to rub it in your faces.’
I feel like some of the hurt has been lifted from me. Gods it’s been a lovely day. _
I’m going to take a full week off work, Monday-Monday. I’m leaving Sunday night as soon as I get off of work at midnight. I love driving at night and am a night owl so this won’t bother me. Also I love how deserted the roads can get late at night too. No traffic, yay for me.
I’m just having a hard time deciding where I want to go. I know I want to go to at least two states. And I’m definately going to Cleveland, OH (Rock and Roll Hall Of Fame! Woot!). I was thinking Kentucky after that or maybe Vermont, but I’m not sure. If I went to Kentucky, it’d take me longer to get home than if I went to Vermont. Who knows I have a year to think this over.
Before I leave though I need to save up for work on my car.
I know I want to replace to two front tires and get new ones. I need my window fixed and to change the oil and stuff before I leave. Definately want the car detailed and cleaned if I can. I’ve been losing a battle with the rain and water and my car’s floorboards somehow constantly getting soaked with water when I drive over puddles. So now there is a faint smell of mildew in the car. >_<;;
I’m also going to have to try to save up as much money as possible until next year. So here’s to hoping that I do this right! :D
I cannot wait for next year!
Just, like, three more months. I cannot wait until the clock strikes midnight on December 31st. :p lol.
Although, after having gone through all this, I’m not sure I’ll change my habits that much after this is done. I’m definately not going to go back to drinking soda. And the thought of eating sweets like I used to is making my teeth ache. :p
I have no clue what I believe in anymore. I don’t know if I believe in God or Gods or if I don’t. I feel so abandoned by my faith. I just don’t feel that connection anymore with The All like I used to. I haven’t even done any type of rituals or spells either because I don’t know what the point is or if they’ll work. I don’t really pray anymore because I don’t know who to pray to and I don’t celebrate any of the Pagan holidays because it feels like it’s just lip service.
I don’t think I’m an atheist though, I just don’t know how to get that connection back, or what I really believe in and I don’t know where to start looking for it.
I feel so alone in the spiritual sense. It makes me really sad, I don’t feel like the Gods care about me anymore, everything’s just gone. I don’t really know what to do. I keep telling people I’m a Pagan still because the truth is just too complicated to explain.
It’s been like this for a while now. I was looking for signs to lead me in the correct direction to find my spirituality again, but….it just seems like they’ve stopped and I don’t know where to go from here.
Has anyone ever had a crisis of faith before? What the hell did you do?
I can’t help but think that if I was a Christian this might be easier, haha.
I have others but this is the only one I took a pic of so far. You can tell I haven’t drawn in a while, but I like the look of it.
But I have a movie idea. It’s a stoner movie….I just have no clue how to write scripts. :p Oy vay.
it’s called Wendy Roase.
here’s linkage to it, I posted it on my blog.
I’m now working on another one, I’ve been trying to think of a theme or subject and all I can think of is snails. This should be interesting. :p
I think what I’m going to do is have a small jar of slips of paper with a bunch of different words on them and am going to pick them at random and try to create a story based on what’s on them. I think it’ll be good for practicing.