DaisyFreebird

I’m so torn to have to move out but I know what I need to do. I think It’s very important people become independent by living on their own. I’m only 18 but it’s old enough. I come from a family that are “good” people, but they are very controlling. Since my boyfriend lives out of state, I like to visit him, or he visit me every so often, like every two months or so. He only lives a few states away so it’s not like I’m having to go across the country. My family just completely enables me. Anytime they feel like someone, or something is coming inbetween me living at home and that possibly I have to go somewhere for a little while, they completely FREAK. I just can’t live with this type of control. They make me feel worthless. I talked about moving away and going to college out of state, just because I would love to do that personally, even with all the family baggage aside, and she tells me absolutely not. She’ll go on and on about how I not doing anything with my life, but when I want to do something about it, it’s always a huge deal! I have dealt with depression and anxiety for 8 years. During that time, of course I was underage so i couldn’t just go to a therepist by myself. (Me and my sister BOTH were severely, mentally sick with anxiety and depression. ) I would fight with my mother endlessly about getting me help. Possibly trying medication. She completely resisted the idea. Telling me to get over my problems or pick up a hobby…she told me I had too much time on my hands. Mean while, I would work, do school, go out all the time, I was still severely depressed. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I would be at work just thinking about how I would kill myself. My mother just didn’t care enough to believe I am my own person. She told me that I was selfish because of my problems. So to this day, I’ve learned to be strong. To not be guilty of my problems. I’m so much better with my problems but everytime my parents say anything along the lines of my incompetence, or what I’m doing with my life—-with the will of my strength, I must accept, but now I will live MY LIFE.

I have been so stressed thinking about moving out soon. I live in florida with my family, but I’m gonna live in mississippi where my boyfriend lives with his mother for about a few months. Then he leaves to boot camp for six weeks which sucks that I will be alone in a new place for a lil bit, but I’m deep down quite excited. I’m just gonna go stay with some friends in Louisiana for a bit to occupy myself with something positive and fun. Once he comes back for boot camp, he and I are still making up our minds on where we want to live. We have the opportunity to live in any state in the US, so this second part of the moving process is bit challenging as I don’t want to be impulsive about where to live. Just gotta take it day by day.

Having a very covertly dysfunctional family, it’s difficult to do the things I want because everything has always been about their needs. So the past week I have been looking up with more hope in becoming aware that I am not responsible for my family’s unhappiness. Slowly changing my mind and environment for myself and what makes me happy. I have only one heart and life, and I need to live for myself.